Five things nobody tells you about acting.

5. Good local theater exists.

I’m in several community theaters, and at least 75 of my nearly 100 shows have been good. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of crappy theater, local and professional. Sometimes it’s a bad cast, sometimes the show itself is faulty. But most theaters are good. A community theater will implode on itself if they can’t get butts in seats, so you’ll usually be safe.

Shameless plug is shameless. Yes, that is me as Morticia.

4. You will do shit and not even know.

I was in a small (indie) film a few years ago. Elder Growth. The best thing I can say about it is I tried hard. Three people, found footage, evil trees, and some of the most pretentious writing of all time.

But at the time, I thought it wasn’t bad. I knew it wasn’t shakespeare, but it wasn’t that bad. Then I watched it a month ago. It’s baaaaad. See it here, if you’re interested.

3. What goes around stays around.

Fiddler on the Roof. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The Producers. The Wizard of Oz. Even people who have never seen a show will know at least a couple of these from the movie versions.

What you don’t know is that local theaters LOVE these shows. Why? They’re big names, and guarenteed to get butts in seats. Most of them have large kid choruses, which means grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everybody coming to see lil’ Suzie on stage.

I know people who are sick of these shows, they’ve done them so much. I like all of ‘em, but I’ve only done these at the most twice. I’ve played my favorite parts already in Joseph and Fiddler. Looks like it’s all downhill from here!

2. People get hurt.

You all know the stories of Hollywood stars dying because of a role (or at least the urban legends). What you don’t hear about is the small things. For instance: guess which one of these things happened to me on stage, during a show:

A. Thumb in the eye during a musical number.

B. Falling on my foot and breaking it.

C. Getting burned by embers from an explosion.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a little.

That’s right, ALL OF THEM. The burnination was just last Sunday. To be fair, the explosion was a planned effect, but it still hurt. I’ve had people burned on dry ice, fall and break their noses, fall down stairs, faint in the light booth, and a dozen other things. Theater is HARD CORE.

I’m not saying it’s a vast wasteland of injured and dying actors.

All I’m saying is that accidents can and do happen. But the show must go on. Even if you’re blind in one eye and limping. Ow.

1. There’s a LOT of illegality.

It’s common practice to tape a night or two of a show and sell it to cast members so they can have a keepsake. It’s also incredibly illegal. But most rights companies look the other way, as long as you don’t sell to the public. It’s not worth their time to come after literally EVERY theater in existence.

What about plagiarized shows? It does happen. I was in a production of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory YEARS before the rights were issued. How? They literally took the script from the movie, and tossed in a few lines from the book. Voila. It was Standing Room Only. I still have no idea how we got away with it.

Five things nobody tells you about working at a funeral home

A few months ago, I landed my current job at a local funeral home. I'm an office manager, not somebody who touches the dead people. That is the first question I get after the 'eww' reaction. Here are a few things I've learned working here.

5. Dead people liven things up.

     I work in a small funeral home owned and operated by a larger corporation. No big deal. Most funeral homes aren't Mom and Pop organizations, what with the heavy regulations and fierce competition. But since my location is smaller and not as fancy, we don't get as many funerals. Consequently, things are dead in here. Figuratively. 

At least two days a week, I never see another employee. And most days, people just stop by to grab something real quick and head out again. I have to record everything I do on a log to prove that I'm actually working, since most of my forerunners just goofed off.

Funerals make all the difference.There's extra cleaning, chairs to be dragged out, and families to deal with. It's a lot like a out of town visit when you're a kid: new food comes in, you have to look your best, and crawl out of your bedroom in order to greet people.

4. We're not all dour undertakers.

No, not even close.

     

     One of the Funeral Directors (the guys in suits who take you money and empty dead people's fluids, among other things) I work with is in his mid twenties. This guy is constantly grinning and joking around. And he's not alone. We don't make jokes about the bodies, or play Weekend at Bernies, but it's not by any means all business all the time. 

One example: once my HR manager and said director spent a few hours figuring out their employees 'catchphrases.' Mine was 'I gotcha'.

Could be worse.

3. There is so much freaking paperwork.

     "But Rebecca" you say (because most of you don't know my real name, and I'm not dumb enough to attach it to this), "of COURSE there's paperwork. The government and doctors need to make sure everybody's dead, otherwise we get an Edgar Allen Poe sequel."

True, a lot of the paperwork is about making sure the decedent is who we think, they're where we think, and that all permits and regulations are followed. What you don't think about is the massive amounts of printing, billing, checklists, more checklists, and enough mail to choke a horse. I filled a notepad just dealing with the paperwork aspects. Never mind customer service: they assumed I could do that, no problem. But filing an order for a casket? We spent a DAY on that, and I'm still not fully trained.

2. Dead people can be anywhere.

     The office supply room is in the basement. The casket display is also in the basement. So is the embalming room. On two separate occasions I've gone for post-its and been faced with an un-embalmed body in the office supply area. Both times I fled back upstairs, totally freaked. It's not against regulations, unsanitary, unsafe, or a violation of the decedent in any way.

It's just creepy as fuck.

I've stumbled across embalming photos on computers, people with plastic wrap on their faces waiting for the makeup and hair lady (an amazing woman who was a funeral director in the sixties when women were just barely getting past the MRS. degree), and a host of other freaky things. Once they're casketed and on display, my issues fade. But that doesn't hold a candle to the last surprise.

1. Haunting are no big deal.

Booo or whatever.

     At least, to me. I hear phantom footsteps and voices all day when I'm alone. I figured it was my imagination, until another director heard them too. We went down to investigate, and nobody was there. 

The weirdest thing that's happened is one day, I kept getting urges to check the window, when I'd either just checked, or wasn't due for a while. Each time I saw a delivery van, or my boss coming in. I was able to greet them and looked like a model employee. 

"So what?" You ask. So a little later I was downstairs after hearing another voice. Three feet in front of me, I heard a distinctly male voice say "Muuuuhhhh."

It ain't Shakespeare, but who am I to judge? I went to the door, and yep, a delivery AND my boss. 

The ghost seems to be the former owner of this place, who lived here when it was a house. He stays downstairs, make little noise (I've been tricked down a few times when nobody's there), and seems benign to benevolent. Hell, I have worse living neighbors.

The rest of the staff is disturbed by my encounters, so I've learned to keep mum unless asked directly. As for me, the bodies freak me out much more than a ghost. Ghosts I deal with pretty well.

But that's another story.

Five books/book series that deserve a fandom

Five wonderful worlds that deserve the fandoms attached to  (also good!) things like Game of Thones and The Walking Dead.

5. Temeraire: His Majesty's Dragon (series) by Naomi Novik.

     A series set in the Napoleonic wars where everything is the same as ever was...EXCEPT dragons exists, they're as smart as people (mostly), can talk, and the army uses them for kick ass aerial battles.

Temeraireby sandara
This drawing is TOTALLY ACCURATE. That is the aforementioned Temeraire. Just one of a hundred different types of dragons, and dragon characters. He and his captain travel the world, learning about other cultures and how they treat dragons, all while fighting a freaking war. It's written amazingly well, and the last book is set to come out soon. Out of eight.

What do we have so far? Well, Peter Jackson is supposed to be making a mini-series about it...someday...There's also some really cool art online.

4. The Myth Adventures series, by Robert Lynn Asprin.

     This follows a young magician/thief Skeeve and his powerless (formerly powerful) demon mentor Aahz. Instead of being the chosen one or anything like that they use Aahz's knowledge and Skeeve's growing power to form an inter dimensional powerbase and near mafia. And they're the GOOD GUYS.

What do we have so far? A nice comic adaptation. Really, this needs to be an animated movie. But the comic is quite good.

3. 20th Century Ghosts, by Joe Hill.

     This is a bizarre collection of stories, that I loosely classify as horror, but that's not a wide enough spectrum.

Just a peek at what's inside: a kid turns into a giant bug, and happily goes on a rampage. Two friends growing up, but one is an inflatable boy made of plastic. The museum of silence, where last breathes are housed. Amazing, weird, horrifying, wonderful tales.

What do we have so far? It was a best seller, but no art or fans or adaptations that I can find. Joe Hill's novels are very popular (also quite good), so there's hope.

2. Small World, by Tabitha King.

A book where what has science done hits political intrigue. The short of it ( heh heh) scientist invents shrink ray and a crazy, but powerful, woman who loves dollhouses seduces him. Then this happens:

Yeah. It's a nail biter, sexy, and thrilling.

What do we have so far? NADA. ZIP. ZILCH. No fanart, no fandom, nada. And Mrs. King deserves all of it! Let's get the ball rolling people: find a copy online (it's super easy), buy it in a used bookstore, ANYTHING. Just read this kickass book.

1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial: the Novelization.

     The book is from E.T.'s point of view, explains SO MUCH (like live didn't bring him back, his alien friends did, also he's a space botanist, also HIS REAL NAME). It's well written, and just different enough from the movie to be weird as hell.

What do we have so far? I could barely find a copy of the cover in Google images, but there are copies of this thing all over the place. Find one. Buy it. Read it. Discuss. Also, a sort of sequel, but it's by someone else, I haven't read it, and have no opinion.

Five things nobody tells you about the paranormal

    I’ve had many experiences in my life, from seeing a phantom face, hearing voices and footsteps, and being grabbed so hard by something that it left a bruise. But for all the ghost hunters and mediums on TV, there are still a lot of things nobody’s ever brought up. For instance...

5. Not everything is a ghost.

    I don’t mean in the ‘Oh, it was just a creaking door’ or ‘you were drunk’ kind of way. But not everything is a ghost. There are less definable things out there, from ‘spirits’ to ‘shadow people’ or just plain creepiness.

    Do I believe in lizard folk and world wide conspiracy? Not at all. I’m just saying the label of ‘ghost’ is used a bit more than necessary. We understand the concept of a ghost, even if we don’t believe. But a shadow person? There’s a lot of theories, but it comes down to ‘living shadows that come from nowhere, and we have no idea why, or what they’re doing.’ Brr. Give me great aunt Ethel any day.

4. Most women are psychic

    Call it Mother’s intuition, precognitive abilities, or latent PMS, but most women are to some degree psychic. When I’ve brought up my abilities (limited to an occasional precognitive dream) in a group of women EVERYONE will have a story to tell. Often a lifetime worth.

    I’ve met one man who has a similar ability, and again, only brought it up when a group of women were with him and already discussing it. If men also have this ability, they’re being tight lipped for fear of ridicule.

    Try it, ladies (and open minded men). Even if you’ve never had an experience that you remember, start the conversation. You’ll be surprised.

3. Being psychic is useless

    TV psychics are Bullshit. Psychics you pay are Bullshit. I have had personal experiences, and I still know these people are bullshit. Psychic ability varies in strength and talent, but there is no way in hell Sylvia Brown could look at a person and tell them how their loved one died. A psychic impression from a personal item? Maybe, but that’s one hell of a maybe.

    Your garden-variety psychic will be limited to gut instinct that may be a little stronger than most peoples, and an occasional precognitive dream or vision. That’s it. And even those are useless little snippets from everyday life. The best I’ve had? I’ve avoided pointless arguments with my husband, and stopped myself from biting my tongue. Woo-hoo! America’s Got Talent here I come!

2. Research doesn’t fix everything.

    In a TV show or movie, even a ‘reality’ show, an investigator will dig up something to explain what’s happening. In real life, this isn’t the case. My house has weird stuff going on the whole time I’ve lived there (AKA my whole life), but I have no idea why. There’s no deaths that I can find, no satanists, nothing. The place was built in the fifties, changed hands two or three times, and now my family owns it. End of story.

    Which doesn’t come close to explaining my last issue...

1. You can get used to anything.

    My bedroom is shaped like a shoebox. My bed was positioned lengthwise inside. I slept on the left side since I got out of the crib. 29 days out of 30 I had a nightmare that would keep me awake for at least an hour.

    It wasn’t until I mentioned this offhand to my brother in law that it struck me as odd. I never considered that other people didn’t get terrible nightmares every night of their lives.

    Why do I say this is paranormal and not just my wounded psyche? The nightmares abruptly stopped at age fifteen, when I switched sides of the bed. I didn’t notice they were gone, aside from vague relief. I figured it had to do with growing up.

    Then a friend mentioned whenever she slept over (on the left side, of course), she had the most awful nightmares.

    When I rolled to that side in my sleep? Nightmares. When other friends stayed over? Nightmares.

    I have no explanation for this. My bed is situated differently now, and when I sleep on the left I have no issues. Something about that corner of my room, not the bed itself, is the problem.

    The dreams were scary enough. The idea that I never knew anything was wrong for fifteen years is infinitely more terrifying.