"My Haunted House", or the pleasures of pet sitting

Last weekend I pet/house sat for a couple of friends. I've sat at their house before with little issue: they have two dogs (who I love!) and several birds (which I despise but didn't have to deal with aside from noise).

As they have Netflix and Cable TV, my viewing options while I whiled away the hours were endless. However, I have an aversion to trying to learn people's entertainment setups. Or, as I so often cry out "I can't work your fricken moon technology!"

                                         

I opted to stick to cable.

Funny thing about cable on Friday and Saturday nights: there's sports, bad movies, The Golden Girls, and paranormal shows. That's it. Granted I love the Golden Girls (I marathoned it TWICE during my stay), but I can only take so much laugh track.

Being a geek, paranormal was where it's at. After the Girls went off the air I settled in with the dogs and watched show after show of ghost hunting, monster spotting, badly reenacted weirdness.

 When it comes to normal TV you're lucky to find a UFO special at 2AM. Back in the day we had 'Beyond Belief, Fact or Fiction' and John Edwards. Ugh.

                                                            Never have South Park and I agreed so much.

So I should be overjoyed by the abundance of choices. Ghost stories. Ghost hunters. Ghost Busters. Celebrity encounters.

The problem is it all blends together. By the time the new show 'My Haunted House' premiered, I was jaded. The chick on The Dead Files has crazy eyes. The reenacter from Monsters and Mysteries in America was so vapid I fell asleep.

The real draw of these shows is the feeling you get when you're all alone in an unfamiliar house and the darkness is closing in. During the day the cheesy Danny Elfman style music and slick graphics are laughably bad.

                                         You are now playing the theme in your head. You're Welcome!

At night, it becomes REAL. Or it did for me, for a few minutes at a time. Usually a commercial break broke me out of my fright as soon as it happened. Hard to be scared when a Cyalis ad comes along.

So, to these shows overall, do I give a yea or nay? Well, it all depends. If you're with friends and want something to laugh at (with a small chance of actually being horrified), it's a good time. If it's the middle of a lovely summer day and you're all alone, SKIP IT. The value will be lost on you, I promise.

                                                              Mmm, that's cheap graphics!

And, on the off chance you're actually experiencing something paranormal and want some advice from these people: STOP. Read a book. Post on Facebook. Call a local team (legit ones won't change for their services). Chances are you know somebody who has experienced something similar and can give you tips.

And whatever you do, DON'T call the Dead Files. Those people will find out what's haunting you, but they won't offer advice besides "Call the Church." I can do that myself, thank you.

                                                                         So legit!

Iron Man 3: Spoilers!

I saw Iron Man 3 at midnight on Thursday. Not that I'm the biggest Iron Man fan (they were next door in the 3D show), but it was my friend's birthday, and I usually go without sleep at least once a week, so what the hell. 

The biggest change from the previous movies is that John Favreau is no longer the director. He keeps a hand in as Happy Hogan, but his role is minimal, especially after Iron Man 2. New director Shane Black definitely has a style all his own. He's directed such classics as Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and written the Lethal Weapon series and Last Action Hero. Of these I've only seen Last Action Hero, so I don't have anything to compare him to.

The narration threw me off, but having it end in a delicious cameo joke was worth the oddness. Definite flashes of the Tobey McGuire Spiderman. I liked the device there, but it feels a little weird from Tony Stark.

What I miss most is the unscripted dialogue. In the first two films very little was scripted, letting the actors conversations flow naturally, creating a better chemistry. Here, every line seems to be solid, so we lose the intimacy between Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, and Don Cheadle. It's not a major issue, but it affects the tone. 

This movie is a departure from the other Iron Men in tone. It's far darker, with Tony killing mooks left and right. No electrostatic bursts to paralyze an enemy, no tying them up, just straight killing. It's jarring. These aren't the Chitau'ri: they're mostly human goons that have guns. He does let some get away, when the mood suits and the joke is funny.

The plot is a lot more complex than it looks, although I called the twist with The Mandarin. Mack (my fiancee) hoped there would be a double twist and that Sir Ben Kingsley would be the big bad after all, but alas, no such luck. Not that Guy Pearce is a bad villain or a bad actor. He's compelling as both. Of course, the die-hards will complain that The Mandarin is supposed to use magic, be Chinese, and any other number of things, but I as a causal reader was able to let it go.

Tony hanging out with Harley was reminiscent of an episode of Batman The Animated Series where a sick Batman...hides in a kid's basement. At least the actor wasn't annoying, and it wen't by quick with some good jokes and a lot of Stark-ness. We do NOT need another Iron Lad.

I feel like there were miss opportunities with Pepper: she's in the suit, but doesn't do anything. She gets super powers, but they're gone (well, we THINK) by the end of the movie. This would have been a great way to get her more involved in the next Avengers flick. Super Pepper! She became a super-hero in the comics. It'd be nice to have another chick besides the Black Widow. Someone with ACTUAL POWERS. Ah well, at least we'll have The Wasp soon. I hope.

All that being said, I enjoyed Iron Man 3. Seeing the fallout of the ultimate science guy dealing with being almost killed by magic aliens was neat. Granted, the panic-attacks were a bit painful to watch (not in the good way), aside from the nightmare scene with Pepper. THAT was gold.

Overall, I'd say it measures up to Iron Man 2. Iron Man 1 is still my fav of the trilogy. It doesn't suffer from Sequelitis, and I'm looking forward to the next appearance of Tony Stark.

That being said, Marvel Studios better give RDJ whatever he wants when they renegotiate his contract. Another guy coming in to play the part at this point would be sooooooo screwed. 

Comic Con: Sex it up?

I'm going to The Motor City Comic Con in a few weeks, and I have a dilemma. I have a stock costume from last Halloween that I'm planning on wearing: A Female Dr. Horrible with her Horrible Gender Bender Ray (a re-purposed Zurg ray gun). I got a few compliments last year and people got the idea.

My problem is this: most of the time if women are dressed up at Comic Con, they are sexy. Low cut tops, high boots, fishnets, the whole McGilla. My costume is in NO WAY sexy. A lab coat (ok, a modded chef's coat), rubber rain boots, welders goggles, etc. In my brain, M to F Doc Horrible is VERY uncomfortable in her new body. See for yourself:

So, do I go to Con in-character, not sexy (or at least, not low-cut overtly sexy), or try to sex it up so I don't feel bad after seeing the zillion hot girl in a bad Harley Quinn costume?

Prompt #2 Dim

The light faded from Rico’s eyes. Ed let himself drink in the sight. He had a little time. The warm air would keep the body limber for a while longer: those cop TV shows had a bit of truth.

He shifted his weight and started his work. The body would barely be moved: all the evidence would rot with him. Less risk than dragging it all over creation. No bloodstains in the car, no fibers of dead skin under his nails. Burn everything, spread the ashes, and bury the body so deep even the maggots would have to get pickaxes.

Dilbert

With the advent of Netflix, many older shows that only lasted a season or two are coming back into the public eye. One of my favorite programs in this category is the Dilbert animated series.

I own several of Scott Adams books, including The Dilbert Principal, The Dilbert Future, and assorted cartoon collections. All of them are funny and insightful: some scarily so now that I work in an office (And a manger! At least I'm not a Pointy-Haired Boss. Yet). The animated series is just as much fun, if a bit lighter on the actual science stuff.

You've gotta love the voice actors: Dilbert is grown-up Kevin Arnold, Dogbert is Lily's Dad,  The PHB is Mr. Poole ESQ, and a whole host of others. Even over ten years later, Ratbert still sounds like Sponge Bob. Then again, I have an uncanny knack for determining who a voice actor is. For example, did you know The World's Smartest Garbage Man, Egon, Morbo, The Brain, and Kiff Kroker are the same man? But I digress.

The animation looks like it jumped right off Scott Adams notebook. Simplistic, but colorful and fun. No beauty there, but the idea of Art is somewhat foreign to engineers.

The writing is fine. If you like the 3 panel cartoons, you'll like the show. Millions of readers can't be wrong! Well...I suppose they could be wrong...I'd have to find some data on amount of people inverse to quality of whatever it is they adore...Aw, damnit Jim, I'm a writer not an engineer!

Anyway, if you missed this series in the early 2000s, I encourage you to check it out. People are still dumb, lazy, and stupid. Business still tries to suck every last dollar out of our pockets. Work still sucks. Might as well have a laugh about it before you head back to your cubical.

Prompt #1 "Crash"

Loki wasn’t sure exactly what hit him. But it was big. Very very big.

The gray image solidified slightly. Mjölnir was a half-inch in front of his face.

Ah.

“Do not test me, Brother.” Thor yanked him onto his feet.

The idiot honestly expected him to try something after that? He could feel his teeth loosening behind his metal muzzle, and Thor thought he was dangerous?
Maybe the idiot was learning after all.

It was more than he could say of Odin. The Allfather stood, glaring with his single eye.

He’d fallen for far too long. Time for the crash.

My newest project

Gonna try to hit all of these. May be original stuff, fanfic shorts, limericks, I have no idea. Each will be 100 words long, as Brevity is the soul of wit. Let the creativity begin!

001.	Crash	002.	Dim	003.	Futile	004.	Erratic	005.	Loved
006.	Soft	007.	Hold	008.	Shackles	009.	Broken	010.	Precious
011.	Odds and Ends	012.	Tea	013.	Twisted	014.	Echo	015.	Soothe
016.	Fight	017.	Naked	018.	Push	019.	Alive	020.	New
021.	Born	022.	Murmur	023.	Devious	024.	Isolation	025.	Starve
026.	Breakable	027.	Winter	028.	Ignore	029.	Colour	030.	Grace
031.	Belong	032.	Choke	033.	Reach	034.	Difficult	035.	Heat
036.	Veneer	037.	Fall	038.	Nightmare	039.	Contagious	040.	Good riddance
041.	Goodbye	042.	Scarred	043.	Last dance	044.	Burn	045.	Steady
046.	Monster	047.	Voodoo	048.	Shine	049.	Intent	050.	Camping
051.	Grave	052.	Machine	053.	Destination	054.	Nowhere	055.	Garden
056.	I know	057.	Dust	058.	Dream	059.	Destiny	060.	Spring
061.	Sigh	062.	Fingertips	063.	Waiting	064.	Playboy	065.	Revenge
066.	July	067.	Desire	068.	Free	069.	Celebration	070.	Stars
071.	Morgue	072.	Space	073.	Whitewash	074.	Alone	075.	Coma
076.	Letters	077.	Phone call	078.	Music	079.	Silence	080.	Cards
081.	Emblem	082.	Elephant	083.	Monopoly	084.	Reality	085.	Serenity
086.	Bone	087.	Chalk dust	088.	Manuscript	089.	Ink	090.	Perfection
091.	Ring	092.	Drive	093.	Missing	094.	Full moon	095.	New direction
096.	Writer's Choice	097.	Writer's Choice	098.	Writer's Choice	099.	Writer's Choice	100.	Writer's Choice

2/100

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, offensive

The only reaction to my poem (I posted it on FB) so far is that one of my best friends realizes it's joking but 'is deeply bothered by it.' Huh? His wife, on the other hand (who is my assistant and was with us last night when we saw Iron Man 3 at 12:05) thought it was hilarious.

I've never been told anything I've written was offensive or bothered anyone. So...milestone? Also, do I even need to say that I'm not trying to shame adults who go out to movies? It's Satire, for God's sake. Like 'Go the F*ck to sleep.'

That's the only thing I can think of that's remotely off. But, if you have a dissenting opinion please critique me or refer to my good friend Ted:

OR: An Ode to Self-Induced Insomnia.

What with all the new movie releases and the ageing geek generation, I think it’s high time for a kid-friendly way of addressing these important issues. Thus I give you:

Why Mommy is Sleepy Today

Today is a free day

No school to be had.

But Mommy’s in bed.

Why? Was I bad?

No, little child,

You were not bad

There’s a very good reason

Your Mommy seems sad.

Last night, she went out

With lots of her friends

To see a new movie

That was given all tens.

She was watching a hero

Do good deeds and fight.

She clapped and she laughed

Well into the night.

So Mommy is tired.

Mommy needs sleep.

You want to help Mommy?

Then don’t make a peep.

Keep quiet, keep still

Keep your mouth shut real tight.

Because Mommy went out

And watched movies all night.

Tomorrow, she’ll laugh.

Tomorrow she’ll sing.

Tomorrow she’ll talk.

Today: not a thing.

Sometimes your parents

Just want a night out.

And sometimes a movie

Has just enough clout:

They need it right now.

They just cannot wait.

They go out in the dark

With their soul mate.

They love their big heroes

And monsters so scary

They stay up too late.

The next day: they are wary.

It’s a special party.

It’s kind of a treat.

To stay up so late

And see something so neat.

So, when you are bigger

and have your own car

You too can go out

And see the film star.

But for now, you will wait.

You’ll see a day show.

Though the hours seem long

And the time oh so slow.

You’ll soon get a turn.

Until then, please be quiet.

You see, child violence

Will insight a riot.

So goodnight Mommy

Please have a good sleep.

I’ll be quiet today

I won’t make a peep.

But when I am older

And have my own way.

I too will stay out

Until break of day.

I’ll see the new movies

I will laugh, I will cry.

But for now, peace and quiet.

I don’t want to die.

And so, on this moral

I’ll let you chew:

Please; be kind to the sleepy

Or we’ll kill all of you.

The end

My latest query letter!

As submitted to Query Shark. Whatta great site!

Dear Query Shark,

When Eve’s boyfriend came out of the bloodsucker closet, she decided they could make it work. Her friends were what shook her: vampire hunters, targets of Faerie malevolence, and ghosts.   

Some days it just doesn’t pay to have an open mind.

            Eve is a 20-something English major trying to work her way through college when the supernatural world falls into her lap. Armed with years of supposedly fictional supernatural reading, she tries to find out who turned her boyfriend Jake into a vampire and why. It doesn’t help when her friends reveal they are in hiding after killing Vampires. Or that one is being pursued by a psychotic Faerie who was once a close friend abducted and replaced by the Fae. She lies to save the unknowing and seemingly innocent Faerie clone left in his place, knowing her friends will turn on her if it’s found out.

            Jake’s brother’s murder blows the lid off her lies and destroys what remains of her friendships. Now Eve has to find the answers while trying to hold a group together who hate her guts. Jake has gone AWOL with a batty mentor to find his brother’s killer. She’s on her own.

Too bad her immortal soul isn’t the only one that rides on the answers. If she doesn’t find the real killer, fend off the Fae, and get the group working together, she’s damned to limbo along with Jake's brother and anyone else who get's in the killer's way.

None of her books explained how to get out of being dead.

            NEVERWORLD, 62,000 words, is a supernatural mystery novel. I am currently working on the sequel, and have plans for a third concluding novel.  I have included (whatever the agent asks for) below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

(contact info redacted)