Friday, May 2, 2014

Five horrifying gifs

These are scary/gory/creepy/weird/unsettling/bloody/violent/NSFW. You have been warned.

5. What is this, I don't even--



4. Tina, NO!



3. I got nothing.




2. What the actual F***?!




1. WHAT IS THIS ABOMINATION?!




Here's some stuff to ease your brain after all that horror. Good job!




Thursday, May 1, 2014

Five hilarious product review videos.

      Ever wondered: does the product in the infomercial really work? Well, the good folks of the internet are one step ahead of you. And the results may surprise you (IE, not everything is a dud). Check out these hilarious product reviews.

5. Rotato Express
Cut time from your tedious potato peeling: or at least watch Mario and Fafa play with the thing.


4. The Pocket Chair
     We all know carrying around a real chair can be a hassle. But does this chair stand up to MikeJ's 200+ lb frame?


3. The Rollie
     How hard is it to cook an egg? Well, if you're one of the egg-deprived masses, The Rollie might be for you. Just let Glove and Boots take a stab at it first.

2. The Super Smart Mop
     MikeJ is back again, but things are going downhill rapidly, with this not-so-smart mop.

1. The X-Hose

Advertised as a durable expanding hose, it's supposed to be easier to use and store than conventional hoses. MikeJ puts it to the test. 



Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Five Websites you need to Bookmark

     A few super cool websites to help you in your daily life.

5. Supercook
   
     This website lets you put in whatever ingredients you have on hand, and spits out recipes.  With as little as flour and eggs, you can be on your way to food. Perfect for the college student, or those of us who need to go shopping.


4. LifeHacker

     This site covers a multitude of tips and has great articles: How to make your office greener, Money saving habits that can backfire, Eating Seasonally and Locally, and about a million others. Just type in a search term, or browse whats popular. Learn stuff today


3. DuoLingo

     Want to learn the basics of French, Spanish, German, or Portuguese? This is the place to do it. There are easy lessons to take at your own pace, to get to basic conversational levels. I'm done with the first lesson in German already. Ich bin eine Frau!



2. Tickld

          Tickld is a funny picture website. That's really it. It gets content from all over the web, so it's a one-stop-shop for internet trends. Check out these gems:


     There are hits and misses, but it's a pretty good ratio.

1. Click to give

     Nothing flashy. Click on this site once a day, click the button, and help save animals. It takes literally a second. Do it. Doooo it.




Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Five books to stay away from.

     You want bad mamma-jammas? These babies are atrocious.

5. Communion: A True Story by Whitley Striber

     You may remember the 1989 film adaptation, starring Christopher Walken. Striber probably wishes he didn't. He told Walken that he might be portraying him as a little too crazy. Reportedly Walken replied, "If the shoe fits."
     The book doesn't make much more sense. The SENSATIONAL TRUE STORY of Whitley Striber and his alien abductions. If you're curious, the movie at least has Walken, and is good for a laugh. The book is boring, weird, and near incomprehensible. Just skip it.

4. The Polar Express: Trip to the North by Ellen Weiss


     I refuse to explain why the novelization of a movie already based on a book made this list.

3. Congo by Michael Crichton.

     This, like Communion, was turned into a movie. Like Communion, both the movie and the source material were bad. I'm a fan of Michael Crichton, but the plot was pointless, the characters wooden, and it lacked the usual flair found in Jurassic Park, or even Sphere (also fine movie adaptations).
    Even if you're a fan, skip it.


2.Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austin and Seth Grahame-Smith

     Want to read someone's tedious self-insert fanfic, except the self is zombies? Then this is the book for you. Readable only to the most die-hard Austin/zombie aficionados, which is a bigger market than I anticipated: the book sold quite well.
"Meanwhile, Kustophenia sits on the shelf!"



1. MEG by Steve Alten

     This was the first book I ever read where realized I could/was doing better. I don't mean that in a prose way: I mean basic grammar and description skills. There are exclamation points all over the place. "Then the shark jumped out of the water! Then the T-rex got eaten!" Things like that.
    As for prose, I don't care for it. It gets beyond silly. There's a part when a man in a sinking sub see the Megalodon swimming at him, jaws open, and frantically breathes in the water to try and drown himself before the shark eats him. The level of stupid there is beyond comprehension. The fact that he thinks this is possible, let alone making that poor character try and kill himself by drowning in under ten seconds...urg.

     This may be a movie, someday. It can't be much worse...Right?

Friday, April 25, 2014

Geek Grub: Simple BBQ chicken

Perfect for chicken sandwiches, salads, or just picking at while you maul opponents.

You'll need:
6-12 boneless skinless chicken breasts (or chicken tenders, or whatever).
1 bottle of BBQ sauce.
A crock pot.
A frying pan.
Various spices.
A little olive oil.
Buns.



  1. Wash the chicken.
  2. Kill is first, if necessary. 
  3. Cut up the chicken into small strips.
  4. Put the chopped up chicken into the frying pan with a little oil and the spices of your choice (salt, pepper, and poultry seasoning are all good bets). Cook until the pink vanishes.
  5. Put the chicken into the Crockpot.
  6. COVER it with BBQ sauce. Seriously. You CANNOT use too much. 
  7.  That's more like it!
  8. Set crockpot to low.
  9. Cook for 8 hours, stirring occasionally. You can cook it on high and cut the time significantly, but low tastes better.
  10. Slap it on a bun, bowl, or salad and enjoy!
Works well with my Easy Cheesy Potatoes.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Five micro horror stories that creeped me out

Culled from the already short horror fiction known as Creepypasta, these shorties will leave you shivering.

5. Denial

I waved goodbye to my friends as I stepped off the bus and headed to my house. I was super excited to get home and see my parents. They hadn’t talked much at all yesterday. As a matter of fact they just stayed in their bedroom all day. They haven’t been feeling well. I ran up the stairs of the front porch and swung the front door open with a big, cheesy grin on my face; However, when I opened the door there was no one in the den. The television was off and the house seemed to be abnormally quiet. I took a step in and started calling out.

“Mom? Dad?” I called. I knew they were supposed to be here. Dad had the day off and mom didn’t have any plans with her girlfriend’s until next week, right? I placed my backpack on the ground next to the couch and walked into the kitchen to check the calendar. October fifth. I was right. Dad took this day off so him, mom, and I could go see a movie together. “They’ve got to be here somewhere”, I thought myself.  Then it hit me. School let out early today because of a busted water pipe. I looked at the watch on my wrist. “It’s only twelve o’ clock. They may still be sleeping.” I headed back through the den and slowly opened their bedroom door. Surely enough, there they lie. A sigh of relief escaped my mouth and my grin returned. I tiptoed over to my mom’s side of the bed and pulled the covers back.

I was greeted with the same sight as the day before. She lay there motionless, eyes glazed over, mouth agate. Her skin was a pale white and her hair was beginning to thin. The soup I gave her yesterday sat on the bedside table. It was stale now and she hadn’t even touched it. I’m beginning to think they don’t want to feel better. I placed the cover back over her head, grabbed the old soup and left the room slowly closing the door behind me. I decided not to wake either of them considering they must need their sleep. I’m sure they will be up for it tomorrow. Until then, I have a ton of Psychology homework to be done. We’re doing this paper on people who have some type of disorder causing them to live in denial of even some of the most obvious things. I couldn’t imagine living like that.

4. A trip to the cemetery

On an early dim morning an elderly woman rested her hand atop a gravestone.

“Henry Blackwood-1938-2004.”

She rested flowers on it and wept, something she didn’t usually do. She always made sure to bring something of Henry’s when she made her annual visit to his grave. Her memory wasn’t what it used to be and her brain needed help to get it jogged. She brought something he hated: his hearing aids. She remembered wistfully how he never used them, always insisting he had excellent hearing despite keeping the television’s volume up so high.

Now all she wanted was his return to her loving embrace. “Oh Henry,” she fell to her knees and looked to the sky, “How I wish you’d come back to me.”

Up in the sky and through her blurred teary vision she saw a red star. It was faint but she heard a malignant chuckle and the star flashed to match it. Then it disappeared with the raising sun.

She wiped away her tears. Strange. Was it a product of her imagination? She stood up and surveyed the area but saw nothing. It seemed like the moment was merely nothing but old, senile, womanly mood swings. As she smiled at her silly old self, a question came to her that felt like part of a dark realization. Could the battery in the hearing aid still work? She attached it to her best ear and turned it on. She could hear the rustling of crow feathers in a nearby tree. It probably still worked due to her husband’s lack of commitment to use it. Then, swallowing hard, she rested her ear on the ground above his grave. Her mouth dropped in horror as she heard scratching, shuffling, and a familiar voice bellowing a horrified scream.

3. 4:03

It was 4:03 in the morning and I woke up screaming. It was my dream. In my dream, I watched everyone I ever knew or loved be killed by the creature. It had a short fat body, and long slender arms, which ended with claws that looked more like swords than claws. Its eyes were slits that glowed red in the darkness, and its teeth were long like horns, and sharp like steak knives. It looked at me before it killed them, and laughed each time before it ripped apart my loved ones with its sharp claws. How had it found us? It tricked me into letting it into my home, by mimicking the voice of my father; it couldn’t come in without permission it told me after it ripped out my Mother’s heart. The dream ended with the creature laughing its evil cackle and slowly walking towards me, dragging its claws on the floor, I screamed, and sat up. I was in my room, in my bed, safe again. 4:03, I hear a knock at the door, I froze up instantly.

“Tommy, I heard you screaming, are you alright?” I heard my mother say. What a relief, Mom’s here.
“I’m fine Mom, just a bad dream” I replied, the relief washing over me
“Okay honey, I got you a glass of water, do you want it? Mom said back to me
“Sure, come in” I said. And as those words left my mouth, I remembered that it was September, and I had moved back into my college dorm 3 weeks ago.

2.  Evening Routine

You know how that always goes. They look up at the mirror and it’s right there behind them. Just stare down and turn the sink handle. Reach over for the towel. No, whatever you just felt isn’t there, bring your hand back, you don’t need to dry them anyway, you’re going to bed. Keep your head down, keep your hair over your face like a visor, look at your feet when you turn around. Now pull open the door, don’t look ahead down the hall, of course it’ll be standing right there watching you, just keep looking down, act like you’re half awake, maybe you can fool it. Turn left and go straight ahead, don’t look down the left or right halls as you reach your door, don’t even indulge your peripheral vision, just get there. Go to your computer and turn off the screen, you know exactly where the switch is, don’t look at what’s flashing on the screen, you know that whatever is on there isn’t what you left it on. Just kneel and hold the power button, should only take five seconds or so. Come on. Now turn and walk to your dresser just like before. No, don’t look its feet, look at yours, keep looking down and walking. Don’t walk too slow, don’t walk too fast. Pull off your shirt. Don’t take forever getting the thing off, do it quickly, same with your pants. Careful, don’t trip yourself. Open the drawer, and just put them both in, who cares if it’s just the one for shirts, don’t look at what else is in there, just close it. Some of the shirt got caught at the top, open it again, shove it in, close it. Ok, now turn again, look down. Don’t stand too close to the bottom of the bed, don’t let it grab your ankles, just get on the bed. Now, move the pillows and lie on your side with your back to the wall, keep your eyes closed, ignore the freezing wall. Grip the covers from the inside tightly, in case it tries to pull them off. Keep your eyes shut.

Don’t listen to it.

1.  The Bad Dream

“Daddy, I had a bad dream.” You blink your eyes and pull up on your elbows. Your clock glows red in the darkness—it’s 3:23.

“Do you want to climb into bed and tell me about it?”

“No, Daddy.”

The oddness of the situation wakes you up more fully. You can barely make out your daughter’s pale form in the darkness of your room.

“Why not sweetie?”

“Because in my dream, when I told you about the dream, the thing wearing Mommy’s skin sat up.” For a moment, you feel paralyzed; you can’t take your eyes off of your daughter. The covers behind you begin to shift.


Questions geeks care about

  • Do they have classes in Vulcan, like they do for Klingon?
  • How did Fred and George Weasley know Krum would get the snitch, but still lose the cup? Did they divine the secret magically, or was it just a strong hunch? If a hunch, why bet all their money?  
  • Why did Gollum teach his Grandmother to suck eggs?
Especially when this little guy exists.

  • Do you care if Jareth was a pedophile?
  • Because seriously, it was fantasy olden times. Like Game of Thrones. So it's okay.

  • Really.
  • Seriously.
  • I've lost my train of thought.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Five reasons you should adopt a pet from a foster home.

     I own one cat, adopted several years ago from a foster home I found on Petfinder. I recommend the site, or others like it to find their new companions. So, animal lovers, why adopt from a home/shelter instead of buy your furry friends?


5. It's cheaper.

     No small concern in these times, money spent on pets can be extravagant. So, why pay top dollar for a pooch when you can adopt for a fraction of the cost? Sometimes, it can even be free!

Quick example: a Dalmatian puppy costs at least $300 up to $1500.  Here's Shae, who will only cost you shelter fees (usually less than $100). Who needs a breeder? That girl is gorgeous!


4. You know what you're getting.

     When I wanted a cat, we still had a dog in the house. After a little research, I determined an adult short-haired cat would suit my needs, wants, and lifestyle best. So, I plugged those terms into Petfinder, and voila:


Harley. Named for a psychopath, and the sweetest, bitchiest, lick-y-ist, most talkative, wonderful cat ever. You can put in a number of parameters, such as age, housetrained, declawed, kids, other pets, breed, etc. Why take a chance on your new dog hating your kids, or your new cat wetting the rug?


3. You'll be getting a healthy pet.

     There are extremely graphic descriptions of the inhumane conditions at puppy mills. Backyard breeders are (usually) just in it to make a quick buck. Purebred animals have a lot of health issues, due to their backgrounds. So why not get a perfectly healthy pet from a shelter? They're usually spayed or neutered, and get free or discounted checkups from vets. Not to mention keeping any pets/family you already have healthy!


2. Skip to your favorite part.

     Kittens and puppies are great: if you have the time to spend with them. With adoption you can get an older animal that's ready to go. No house training, no need to spay or neuter, nada. If you want a younger animal, by all means, adopt one. But for those of us on the go, an adult is the way to go.

Not what I pictured when I typed in 'adult animal.'


1. It'll save a life.

     3-4 million pets are put down each year because they can't find a home. Most of these are from shelters, not breeders or pet stores. I'm not gonna play 'In the arms of the angels' for you. I'm just telling you the truth.

Remember that.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Five College Humor Videos You Need to See

     College Humor, for those not in the know, is a satirical website aimed at 20-somethings (and anyone with a sense of humor). Below are five of my favorite videos, in no particular order. Enjoy!

5. Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends

     Perfect for anyone who believes people should be treated with basic human dignity and rights, this video explores the consequences of denying homosexual unions. Granted, it's a few years old now, but the message is timeless.

4. The Adventures of Kim Jong Un

     True Korea's honorable leader writes this magnificent cartoon himself. With the Robot Minister at his side, Kim Jong Un defends True Korea, the most prosperous and well-fed nation, from the decadent West. Enjoy! It's mandatory.

3. The Problem with Jeggings

     Chicken Soup for the adult's soul (or anyone who doesn't dress like they need help), this series of videos explores youth fashion trends, as seen by old fogies. Side note: the red-haired guy is my favorite College Humor actor. He's hysterical.

2. If Google was a Guy

     College humor and Google coming together in glorious parody. Ever asked an online question that was far too embarrassing to ask a doctor or librarian? Well, you can live-out the hypothetical awkwardness here. Part two is great as well.

1. How to Tie a Tie (a Beginner's Guide).

     Being a woman, I have no need of ties. But the man-child in your life will appreciate this step by step guide explaining how society is disappointed with him. Perfect for first timers and people who never get invited anywhere.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Five Things I love about Sailor Moon

     With the Sailor Moon manga being re-released and re-translated, and the new anime coming out soon, my interest in Sailor Moon has perked. I remember watching some episodes of the anime back in the 90's, but that was it for a long time. Now, I own/have read the entire library of manga. So, here's five of my favorite things about everyone's favorite pretty guardian.



5. The costumes.

     I am not a girly girl. I don't give a rats ass about fashion, as my friends will attest. But...SHE'S SO PRETTY!

     All of the Senshi have such cool outfits and wants and tiaras and boots and frilly things and GOOD GOD, LOOK AT THIS!

Do you have wings? No? Then shut up.


4. Girl Power

     In the manga more than the anime, Sailor Moon and the other Senshi save themselves: Tuxedo Mask helps, but usually the girls do fine by themselves. And that was a big deal to pre-teen me, when girl characters were boring, damsels, or at best Dot Warner.
 "I think this uniform needs something; something that says "I'm here to destroy you", but with a sense of fun."
   
Not that Dot wasn't amazing as well.  But that's another story.

3. Toon Maker's Sailor Moon

     You may have seen the infamous almost-was american remake clip of Sailor Moon. If not, check this out.


     Including space-sailboards, a sailor scout in a wheelchair, and the leftover fashion from Blossom, this never saw the light of day. But thankfully, some wag posted it on the internet, and we get a glimpse into a terrible alternative universe.

2. The massive cast of characters


     My personal fav is Sailor Jupiter, a big-boobed but kicker in green, with boots and a pony tail.
She's also a great cook.

     Don't like her? There's literally a sailor Senshi for every star in the sky, as well as a bunch of moons. And it's nit just chicks! Like a man's man? Tuxedo Mask. Like a gay man's man? Zoisite.  Nobody fit? Hell, make your own! Everyone else on the internet has done it...



1. The fact that a normal screwup kid is given the time and scope to blossom into a leader and have a character arc.

     Sailor Moon undergoes very complex persoanl growth thru the series. So do many of the other characters, but none as much as Usagi. It's wonderful to read along as she becomes what is essentially the guardian of the whole galaxy. Bravo, Naoko Takeuchi. Bravo.

Not to mention one of the few romances I actually give a crap about.