Five things that shouldn't have been musicals

5. 'Tarzan' based on the Disney movie 'Tarzan'.

     With musical adaptations of Disney's 'The Lion King' and 'Beauty and the Beast' raking in dough, it's no wonder the mouse has tried others. 'Aladdin' is on Broadway right now, with 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' hot on it's heels. But who thought this was a good idea?

          Mixing traditional Broadway structure with Cirque du Soleil style high-flying effects was a recipe for disaster. The original movie wasn't even a box-office smash, and the play's regional US tour was canceled. A major issue was the lyrics were derided by critics as weak and bland. One example: "My heart is beating faster, I must know more about her. ... She makes me feel so alive." Well, Tarzan only just learned English. Give him some time, maybe it'll perk up.

4. 'Spiderman: Turn off the Dark' based on the comic book 'Spiderman.'

     This is a pretty famous example. Combine the crazy high-flying effects of Tarzan with a terrifying amount of accidents, and you get a train wreck people pay through the nose to see. It's one of those 'You have to see this, it's so bad' experiences.  I know several people who have returned just to see the accidents.

Basically this for the music lover.

     

     The reviews have been mixed, but most critics weren't impressed with Bono's score. Yes, that Bono. One reviewer said "...if I knew a less-than-precocious child of 10 or so, and had several hundred dollars to throw away, I would consider taking him or her to...Spider-Man." Yikes. Glad that hero won't be saving us anytime soon.

Yes, I like Nickleback. Do your worst, internet.

3. 'Carrie', based on Stephen King's novel 'Carrie.'

      Often regarded as one of the worst musicals of all time, this show was so bad it had a book written about it. I'm a big fan of Stephen King, but whatever possessed him to let them do this is beyond me.

Damnit Pennywise, wasn't killing and eating children evil enough?!

     It does have one good song. That is literally the only positive thing I've ever heard about this show. The writing is bad, the other music is bad, and the actors cannot save it. Even King fans have shunned it, yours truly included. Horror and musicals don't mix very well.

Except this time.

2. 'High Spirits', based on the straight show 'Blithe Spirit.'

     Blithe Spirit is one of my all-time favorite straight (or non-musical) plays. A man's dead wife comes back to him after a seance and wreaks havoc with his life, including his new wife. It's a stitch, and has become a classic comedy show.

     High Spirits takes that joy and rams it where the sun doesn't shine. 

     

     I did this show at the behest of a friend of mine when one actress had to drop out. I didn't sing, thank God. The show, unlike EVERY OTHER MUSICAL ADAPTATION EVER, does not turn dialogue into songs that moves the plot, or replaces scenes. It takes the straight show and crams in bad songs that don't move the show forward, and takes out none of the dialogue. It makes the show an HOUR LONGER and less funny. By A LOT. There's two songs devoted to objects (a bike and an ouija board respectively). Both sung by one character. Both utterly pointless.

I cannot express my dislike of this show strongly enough. But it doesn't hold a candle to my number one spot.

1. 'Lil' Abner', based on the comic strip 'Lil' Abner.'

     This is known as 'The Show that Must Not be Named' among my few friends that did it with me. Again, I was only in this production at the behest of the director. And I sang. Dear God, did I sing.

     Lil Abner was a comic strip back in 1909, and is still re-run occasionally today. But in the early 2000's, nobody knew what it was, or why anyone would do a musical based on it that premiered in 1956. But do it we did. And boy, did it suck.

     The 'plot' is that Abner is big and strong. And that's about it. There's some stuff about the town he lives in being a nuclear test site as it's useless, an arranged marriage, and some guys losing interest in sex due to fruit from a tree. There's also an assassin named "Appassionata Von Climax" and the main character is ordered to commit suicide. 

     I wish I was kidding. If you ever hear about this play, STAY AWAY. You have been warned. This isn't even so bad it's good. It's just bad.

Five Jokes You Need to See

5. Dr. Suess as a Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

4. Eating Right
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

3. Lucky Driver
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

2. Mountain  Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

1. Big Family
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''
The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

Five Things that piss me off about ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’ Franchise

I’m a big fan of The Chronicles of Narnia, be it the amazing books by C.S. Lewis, the BBC movies, or the modern movies. Each has something to offer, and its high points. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues with the franchise.

5. So, they’re kids with the minds of adults?

    For those of you who have only seen the newer Prince Caspian movie, you won’t even know this is a problem. But until that movie, the fact that the four Pevensive children grew into adults and ruled a country, only to be thrust back into mundane childhood, was never really addressed.

Like this, but they were Kings and Queens, not the star of a crappy sitcom.

    C.S. Lewis had them take it in stride, along with everyone they ever knew from their reign (except Aslan) being dead. It’s just a fact that’s noted, but not addressed. Frankly, the new movie having some angst over it was pretty appropriate. But for the many years we only had the original books and BBC movies, this was a pain in the ass.

4. Change for change’s sake in the new movies.

    The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe added a LOT of material to the movie. Some is good (Tumnus and Edmund in the witch’s ice-dungeon was especially nice), but much of it was unnecessary. Like the chase over the ice-floes. Ugh.

At least unnecessary car chases are fast.

    The movies got better with this as time went by, or perhaps I just got used to it. A quest for magic swords when you’re already questing for lost lords? Sure, why not. The magic nightmare island is taking sacrifices and kind of the White Witch? Who gives a crap. Just give me Aslan ripping of Eustace’s scales and I’m with you.

3. Not changing enough in the BBC version.

    The BBC Chronicles of Narnia series is...special. It’s a near word-for-word telling of the story. Sadly, what works so well in the books comes across a little dull. A lottle dull. Mostly dull. Frankly, the series only picks up when Eustace, easily the best child actor, comes in.

We can't all be as appealing as  these snappy bastards.

    The best of these is ‘The Silver Chair’, which is the most like a traditional quest movie of the original books. This one needed little change. But trimming a bit in the first two movies would been nice.

2. The racism.

    So, Narnia isn’t the name of the whole world. It’s just one country among many. And the main antagonish country is Carmalorn: a very thin expy of the middle east. Everyone is brown, wears turbans, smells of garlic, carries scimitars, and are, with the exception of one girl and one boy, evil slavers.

    C.S. Lewis’s racism is casual and understandable for the time he lived in. That doesn’t make it okay, and it’s pretty distracting. Especially when the evil vulture-headed god Tash (Aslan’s opposite) shows up, smelling like garbage and eating his followers. 

Yeah. Not okay.

1. The Nightmare Fuel

    Imagine how horrible you’d feel if you were told you’d eaten a baby. That is the literal feeling one character has after find out they’ve eaten a talking stag. Just one of the many moments, implied or realized, of sheer terror. Here’s a small checklist of things in the books:

• Slavery.

• Being turned to stone, then smashed or frozen forever.

• Violent sacrifice.

• The fact that literally every human character in Narnia in the last book died in a violent railway crash, leaving Susan alone.

Enjoy your fairytale, kids.

Five Things that Piss me off about The Wizard of Oz franchise

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite movie. I own the L. Frank Baum books, I love Tin Man, Wicked, The Wiz, and even Return to Oz. So, what do I absolutly LOATHE about Oz?

5. Over 40+ books in the official cannon.

This is a case of archive panic. I haven’t even finished the Baum books, and there’s nearly thirty more in the official Oz cannon. Not to mention the literal HUNDREDS of unauthorized books. I will probably never be able to read them all. And it makes me sad. And by sad, I also mean just a bit angry.

4. Dorothy and the Witches of Oz.

Billy Boyd, what the hell? You were so good as Pippin, and now it’s all crap. ‘Seed of Chucky’ has been the high point of your post LOTR career. What happened?

This movie makes me so mad, I care barely even talk about it. But here’s a few of the worst things, just to give you an idea:

• Nick Chopper ISN’T the tinman. The tinman is a random robot that is never explained.
• The evil witch is a publisher, and could have killed Dorothy at any time.
• The effects are atrocious. Just in general.
• “I’m the scarecrow? I always knew I was different...I just thought I might be gay.”
• The fact that the idea of the Oz characters coming to our world and losing their memories could have been AMAZING.

3. Re-releases.

I own the 70th anniversary edition of The Wizard of Oz. It’s fantastic, packed with features, silent films, and memoriobilia.

Then the 75th anniversary edition came out. I can’t even tell what’s different, but it says there’s a new documentary. ‘What if there’s something you don’t know about Oz? What if it’s really new?’ The little voice niggles. ‘Just buuuuuuuy ittttt...’

And in a few more years we’ll get 80, 85, 90, 95, and 100. GAWWWWWWD.

2. ‘Sexy’ Wizard of Oz costumes.

Okay, this isn’t just an Oz problem, but it pisses me off a lot. No explanations, just look at these pictures of real, actual costumes FOR SALE. Why not a sexy Smurf?

Oh God, I take it back! I TAKE IT BACK!

1. There is an anus joke in a Wizard of Oz movie(trailer).

Please, play in the Oz sandbox. We’ve had wonderful things happen when people do. But this….just no. No for so very many reasons. The lazy animation style. The trendy adult jokes. The alluring cast that makes me want to see it in spite of how obviously awful it is. Just fuck off, people who made this.

Five things nobody tells you about working at a funeral home

A few months ago, I landed my current job at a local funeral home. I'm an office manager, not somebody who touches the dead people. That is the first question I get after the 'eww' reaction. Here are a few things I've learned working here.

5. Dead people liven things up.

     I work in a small funeral home owned and operated by a larger corporation. No big deal. Most funeral homes aren't Mom and Pop organizations, what with the heavy regulations and fierce competition. But since my location is smaller and not as fancy, we don't get as many funerals. Consequently, things are dead in here. Figuratively. 

At least two days a week, I never see another employee. And most days, people just stop by to grab something real quick and head out again. I have to record everything I do on a log to prove that I'm actually working, since most of my forerunners just goofed off.

Funerals make all the difference.There's extra cleaning, chairs to be dragged out, and families to deal with. It's a lot like a out of town visit when you're a kid: new food comes in, you have to look your best, and crawl out of your bedroom in order to greet people.

4. We're not all dour undertakers.

No, not even close.

     

     One of the Funeral Directors (the guys in suits who take you money and empty dead people's fluids, among other things) I work with is in his mid twenties. This guy is constantly grinning and joking around. And he's not alone. We don't make jokes about the bodies, or play Weekend at Bernies, but it's not by any means all business all the time. 

One example: once my HR manager and said director spent a few hours figuring out their employees 'catchphrases.' Mine was 'I gotcha'.

Could be worse.

3. There is so much freaking paperwork.

     "But Rebecca" you say (because most of you don't know my real name, and I'm not dumb enough to attach it to this), "of COURSE there's paperwork. The government and doctors need to make sure everybody's dead, otherwise we get an Edgar Allen Poe sequel."

True, a lot of the paperwork is about making sure the decedent is who we think, they're where we think, and that all permits and regulations are followed. What you don't think about is the massive amounts of printing, billing, checklists, more checklists, and enough mail to choke a horse. I filled a notepad just dealing with the paperwork aspects. Never mind customer service: they assumed I could do that, no problem. But filing an order for a casket? We spent a DAY on that, and I'm still not fully trained.

2. Dead people can be anywhere.

     The office supply room is in the basement. The casket display is also in the basement. So is the embalming room. On two separate occasions I've gone for post-its and been faced with an un-embalmed body in the office supply area. Both times I fled back upstairs, totally freaked. It's not against regulations, unsanitary, unsafe, or a violation of the decedent in any way.

It's just creepy as fuck.

I've stumbled across embalming photos on computers, people with plastic wrap on their faces waiting for the makeup and hair lady (an amazing woman who was a funeral director in the sixties when women were just barely getting past the MRS. degree), and a host of other freaky things. Once they're casketed and on display, my issues fade. But that doesn't hold a candle to the last surprise.

1. Haunting are no big deal.

Booo or whatever.

     At least, to me. I hear phantom footsteps and voices all day when I'm alone. I figured it was my imagination, until another director heard them too. We went down to investigate, and nobody was there. 

The weirdest thing that's happened is one day, I kept getting urges to check the window, when I'd either just checked, or wasn't due for a while. Each time I saw a delivery van, or my boss coming in. I was able to greet them and looked like a model employee. 

"So what?" You ask. So a little later I was downstairs after hearing another voice. Three feet in front of me, I heard a distinctly male voice say "Muuuuhhhh."

It ain't Shakespeare, but who am I to judge? I went to the door, and yep, a delivery AND my boss. 

The ghost seems to be the former owner of this place, who lived here when it was a house. He stays downstairs, make little noise (I've been tricked down a few times when nobody's there), and seems benign to benevolent. Hell, I have worse living neighbors.

The rest of the staff is disturbed by my encounters, so I've learned to keep mum unless asked directly. As for me, the bodies freak me out much more than a ghost. Ghosts I deal with pretty well.

But that's another story.