Happy Friday!
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Friday, July 18, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Five Insane Modern Creature Features
The classic creature feature movie has never really gone away. And with CGI becoming cheaper and easier to make, they're only getting more "popular". These are some of the weirdest ones I've seen.
This film is one of the worst produced I've ever seen. And I don't just mean it's badly written (it is) or badly acted (Hooo boy). The basic errors in filming make me wince.
For example, the victims motorboat to a deserted island that's clearly a resort due to well-marked paths, pruned foliage, and a GUY RIDING A BIKE in the background of one scene.
There are plenty of other tings to bitch about, from the terrible CGI to the terrible practical effects, but I've touched on the worst stuff. If you want to see hot(ish) young(ish) people get slaughtered, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen.
For example, the victims motorboat to a deserted island that's clearly a resort due to well-marked paths, pruned foliage, and a GUY RIDING A BIKE in the background of one scene.
Our observant heroes, ladies and gentlemen!
There are plenty of other tings to bitch about, from the terrible CGI to the terrible practical effects, but I've touched on the worst stuff. If you want to see hot(ish) young(ish) people get slaughtered, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen.
Two out of five heads!
Unlike the other movies, I didn't include the trailer. The above scene includes everything you need to know about the movie. Giant shark, terrible acting, 'exposition' shoved in willy nilly ("I'm getting married in two days!" WHY?! WHY TELL HER THAT?!). The worst things? THIS IS THE FIRST MOVIE IN A SERIES.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN CHANGE THE POSTERS! WHY?! WHY? WHYYYYY?!
Craig T. Nelson, give me strength.
3. Ice Spiders
In case ice spiders killing people weren't bad enough, they had to be Olympic Hopefuls with Everything to Live For! Tragic!
I'm quite scared of spiders. It's a hard task to get me to watch a spider-themed movie and not freak out. But this trailer is NOT doing it for me. When a creature feature can't even scare someone who has a phobia of the creature in question, that's sad.
Frankly, I like the looks of this flick better:
I'm quite scared of spiders. It's a hard task to get me to watch a spider-themed movie and not freak out. But this trailer is NOT doing it for me. When a creature feature can't even scare someone who has a phobia of the creature in question, that's sad.
Frankly, I like the looks of this flick better:
Why aren't you real?!
2. Dinoshark
Sharks are basically dinosaurs already. Slapping a T-Rex head onto a shark does not make them scarier. SHARKS LOOK LIKE THEY LOOKED THEN ALREADY!
I'm so pissed. Let's move on.
1. Fire Serpent
Per usual government policies.
You know why I even found this movie? I thought 'Lava Shark' was a thing, and wanted it to top the list. Apparently it's not. I'm almost disappointed. At least we can get some diversity points for not having another Shark flick. You go, movie studio!
Go.
Go away.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Five weird island-nation foods
I think living on an island must do something to a culture. England, Japan, and Australia all have some...peculiarities. This is the tip of the iceburg lettuce.
5. Beans on toast (England)
I like baked beans. I like toast. But the combination baffles me. I'd rather have a slice of regular toast on the side of the beans. It wouldn't be a good sandwich because the beans would go everywhere. What am I missing?
4. Fairy Bread (Australia)
White bread with butter, and covered in nonpareils (sprinkles). It's served at kids parties. As someone who used to eat white bread and butter as a kid at my Grandma's house, this actually sounds like a nice snack for kids. Weird, but not bad.
3. Shiokara (Japan)
A fish dish that consists of "mashed-up salted insides of various sea creatures that is left to ferment" that is an "acquired taste". It's been compared to anchovies, with a different texture. Hungry yet? It's also served in bars like a shot, followed by a shot of whiskey. Mm-mm.
2. Laver Bread (Wales/England)
Boiled Laver sewweed minced into gelatin. It can be fried and served with bacon, rolled in oats to form a patty or used as a side dish for lamb or mutton. It's purportedly very good for you.
Frankly, I think it looks like a melted gremlin.
1. Marmite (England)
Another entry from across the pond, Marmite is a salty semi-beef flavored toast spread. It is polarizing to say the least. Not having tried it, I can't judge, but it doesn't seem popular even in its home country.
5. Beans on toast (England)
I like baked beans. I like toast. But the combination baffles me. I'd rather have a slice of regular toast on the side of the beans. It wouldn't be a good sandwich because the beans would go everywhere. What am I missing?
4. Fairy Bread (Australia)
White bread with butter, and covered in nonpareils (sprinkles). It's served at kids parties. As someone who used to eat white bread and butter as a kid at my Grandma's house, this actually sounds like a nice snack for kids. Weird, but not bad.
3. Shiokara (Japan)
A fish dish that consists of "mashed-up salted insides of various sea creatures that is left to ferment" that is an "acquired taste". It's been compared to anchovies, with a different texture. Hungry yet? It's also served in bars like a shot, followed by a shot of whiskey. Mm-mm.
2. Laver Bread (Wales/England)
Boiled Laver sewweed minced into gelatin. It can be fried and served with bacon, rolled in oats to form a patty or used as a side dish for lamb or mutton. It's purportedly very good for you.
1. Marmite (England)
Another entry from across the pond, Marmite is a salty semi-beef flavored toast spread. It is polarizing to say the least. Not having tried it, I can't judge, but it doesn't seem popular even in its home country.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Huh
Tomorrow is Saturday (No, you're not time traveling, I write in advance. We've been over this). I will be at my job, helping a family grieve over a wife and mother not quite one year older than me, with several young kids.
I'd dealt with a lot in my life. I lost my father five years ago last Monday, after an unexpected illness. The only thing I can say is that I got twenty two years with him. I wouldn't trade a moment of it, and I'd give a lot to get him back.
Still too young to die, but at least he'd lived quite a few decades.
This is the second time I've worked on a funeral for someone my age. The first was the first funeral I ever worked, a young man who took his life. We would have gone to high school and graduated together if I hadn't changed school systems. We may have gone to sixth grade together, but his name didn't ring any bells. I wasn't really phased: he'd been sick, and into a lot of drugs.
I don't want to be at work tomorrow.
Aside from the personal tragedy, the crying children, the relatives...No.
No aside. No complaining about how tired I am from this hellish week. No bitching about work.
I'm not always happy about what I do. But 90% of the time, it's an older person with a long life and kids, grandkids, etc. It feels better.
This feels rotten.
I'd dealt with a lot in my life. I lost my father five years ago last Monday, after an unexpected illness. The only thing I can say is that I got twenty two years with him. I wouldn't trade a moment of it, and I'd give a lot to get him back.
Still too young to die, but at least he'd lived quite a few decades.
This is the second time I've worked on a funeral for someone my age. The first was the first funeral I ever worked, a young man who took his life. We would have gone to high school and graduated together if I hadn't changed school systems. We may have gone to sixth grade together, but his name didn't ring any bells. I wasn't really phased: he'd been sick, and into a lot of drugs.
I don't want to be at work tomorrow.
Aside from the personal tragedy, the crying children, the relatives...No.
No aside. No complaining about how tired I am from this hellish week. No bitching about work.
I'm not always happy about what I do. But 90% of the time, it's an older person with a long life and kids, grandkids, etc. It feels better.
This feels rotten.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Five comics with bad movie adaptations
There are comic book movies at all levels of quality. That's understandable, translation from a static medium to a fluid one isn't easy. There are plenty of fine movies with crappy parts, and a few vice versas. It happens.
But these are unforgivably bad.
5. Dragonball Evolution
Oh, this was a heartbreaker. The epic saga of the monkey prince of China was already filled with space aliens, androids, and magic slug people. How much more off base could the plot get?
They got things intentionally wrong. A major plot point is Goku going to high school. 90% of the first jokes about Goku in the manga are predicated on the fact that he hasn't been to school and doesn't know what basic things like coffee are. And that's just the tip of the iceburg
NO Goku is not Piccolo's (that green guy) slave. NO Yamcha is not comic relief. NO Goku doesn't have any sort of crush on his future wife!
Okay, out of context, that last one doesn't sound so hot. But these points are ESSENTIAL to the plot, and they messed up even more. This is a shoddy slapdash excuse to hold onto the rights of something they had no real interest in making. For shame, Hollywood.
4. Catwoman
Halle Berry in a cut-up Catsuit. This had to be a success, at least from the male demograph--wait, what's that? A huge financial flop since people can see free porn on the internet? Huh.
The writers went out of their way to make sure this movie wasn't related to the Batman franchise. It has as much to do with Catwoman as this movie does:
Unlike Cat-Women of the moon, there isn't a Rifftrax for the Halle Berry mess to soften the pain. Awful, awful movie.
3. X-Men: The Last Stand
This one is a hard one to add to the list. On one hand, I applaud Kelsey Grammer's casting as Beast, the arc of Magneto's character, and the death of Cyclops, because screw Cyclops.
The problem is all the other stuff. I'm a big fan of the X-Men comics, and I've read the entirety of the original Phoenix saga this was SUPPOSED to cover. Not only did they change the origin from awesome outer-space force to Jean having a split personality, they changed...well, everything else. Jean was literally a dead-eyed lackey. The Phoenix re-shapes the universe to her mighty will, sometimes good, usually evil. This...THIS...
And as much as I hate Cyclops, his death was rushed, unnecessary, and unsatisfying. At least let him die fighting, guys. ONSCREEN.
Thankfully, a lot of these issues have been rendered moot.
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
For the uninitiated, this movie was from a time when we didn't have no fancy motion-capture CGI. Just incredibly simple CGI.
Sadly, the non-Muppet studio made Turtles costumes were the least of this movie's issues. Instead of fighting any one of the Turtles other villains besides Shredder, they're sent back in time to ancient Japan. Where Casey Jones' incredibly white identical ancestor just happens to be.
It goes downhill from there.
1. Fantastic Four
This one doesn't even have a good comic to smear. Frankly, I feel worst for Michael Chiklis. He does GREAT as The Thing. Far better than this poor movie deserved.
And its getting rebooted. Yaaay.
But these are unforgivably bad.
5. Dragonball Evolution
Oh, this was a heartbreaker. The epic saga of the monkey prince of China was already filled with space aliens, androids, and magic slug people. How much more off base could the plot get?
On a scale of Super Mario Bros. to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
They got things intentionally wrong. A major plot point is Goku going to high school. 90% of the first jokes about Goku in the manga are predicated on the fact that he hasn't been to school and doesn't know what basic things like coffee are. And that's just the tip of the iceburg
The shitty green iceburg.
NO Goku is not Piccolo's (that green guy) slave. NO Yamcha is not comic relief. NO Goku doesn't have any sort of crush on his future wife!
Okay, out of context, that last one doesn't sound so hot. But these points are ESSENTIAL to the plot, and they messed up even more. This is a shoddy slapdash excuse to hold onto the rights of something they had no real interest in making. For shame, Hollywood.
This video is 22 minutes long. They're usually about 8. Take from that what you will.
4. Catwoman
Halle Berry in a cut-up Catsuit. This had to be a success, at least from the male demograph--wait, what's that? A huge financial flop since people can see free porn on the internet? Huh.
THIS image could not save the movie.
The writers went out of their way to make sure this movie wasn't related to the Batman franchise. It has as much to do with Catwoman as this movie does:
Unlike Cat-Women of the moon, there isn't a Rifftrax for the Halle Berry mess to soften the pain. Awful, awful movie.
3. X-Men: The Last Stand
This one is a hard one to add to the list. On one hand, I applaud Kelsey Grammer's casting as Beast, the arc of Magneto's character, and the death of Cyclops, because screw Cyclops.
I hate you.
The problem is all the other stuff. I'm a big fan of the X-Men comics, and I've read the entirety of the original Phoenix saga this was SUPPOSED to cover. Not only did they change the origin from awesome outer-space force to Jean having a split personality, they changed...well, everything else. Jean was literally a dead-eyed lackey. The Phoenix re-shapes the universe to her mighty will, sometimes good, usually evil. This...THIS...
I also hate you.
And as much as I hate Cyclops, his death was rushed, unnecessary, and unsatisfying. At least let him die fighting, guys. ONSCREEN.
Thankfully, a lot of these issues have been rendered moot.
Awww yissss.
2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!
For the uninitiated, this movie was from a time when we didn't have no fancy motion-capture CGI. Just incredibly simple CGI.
In my day owls were made of David Bowie and we liked it!
Sadly, the non-Muppet studio made Turtles costumes were the least of this movie's issues. Instead of fighting any one of the Turtles other villains besides Shredder, they're sent back in time to ancient Japan. Where Casey Jones' incredibly white identical ancestor just happens to be.
At least we still have the same April.
It goes downhill from there.
1. Fantastic Four
This one doesn't even have a good comic to smear. Frankly, I feel worst for Michael Chiklis. He does GREAT as The Thing. Far better than this poor movie deserved.
And its getting rebooted. Yaaay.
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