Morning Pinks

(Please note, this was written before the incident logs began, over a week ago.)

Sorry this isn't my usual fun gif roundup. I'll get back to that next week, promise.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my work-related anxiety issues. I'd originally planned to go Friday, as my last blog stated, but Monday morning came, and so did an anxiety attack. My doctor was able to work me in. I told him about my feelings and physical symptoms. He was very kind, and it eased my mind.

I've been prescribed medication, and I'm talking it in half does, one before work, one the night before a work day (no Friday night doses, no Saturday dose at all, etc).

Even though I stayed home from work yesterday (Monday) I took my two half doses, so I could check the effects/calm down. I took a 2 hour nap with my husband (very unusual for me, I've been a crappy napper since childhood), and felt a little calmer, but that was about it. Today it's much of the same. I'm alert, but not rushing through my work.

I also haven't thrown up, wanted to cry, or otherwise freaked out.

This started almost the day I came to my new location, and it's gotten steadily worse. I can lay the blame squarely on my bosses shoulders (The Wiz). I need another job. I'm looking, but I will not quit this one until I have another position.

This is the only job I've ever has such issues at. I get along with everyone here, and I'm good at my job. I don't want to have to start again, but I can't stay on these pills forever. That idea scares me.

I feel calm. I don't know if that's the lingering effect of the pill (half dose should only equal 4 hours of relief, since a full dose is 8, right?) or just because I'm having an okay day.  I really don't know.

Here's a gif for your trouble. Back to the funny stuff soon. Promise.

Morning Blues

I've developed a troubling pattern. I wake up at 7:00, an hour before I actually get up for work. I either lay in bed stressing about work and trying to think about anything else, or manager to fall asleep and have stress dreams. It only happens on days I have work, so I know that has to be why.

Today was a weird one. Not a nightmare per say, but not pleasant. I was at work, and it was Oscar night. And somehow, the Kodak theater (where the Oscars take place) was attached to the funeral home. Everyone else was leaving the office, and I was running around trying not to get caught watching the show on a TV from inside the funeral home.

My husband was working there too, and the funeral home turned into our home. I looked out the window and saw a huge procession of police cars go by: it had to be a funeral accompaniment. Mack pointed out how a young officer had been killed in a fireworks explosion, hadn't I known? I said no, and we watched the footage on TV. It was graphic.

To be fair, that bit about the cop is almost identical to something that happened in a book I'm reading. So I know its genesis at least.

While we watched the cars go by, someone started stomping around on the roof. Earth-shaking stomps. I watched the skylight, eventually seeing a friend of the family that often does handiwork and gets on our roof unexpectedly. I told Mack, and he calmed down.

Then the friend was in the house, explaining to me about how death wasn't so bad. With a random southern accent that he doesn't have in real life.

 Then I woke up.

I'm going to make a doctor's appointment for next Friday. He's only a general practitioner, but maybe I can get some anti-anxiety meds or what I actually want, a recommendation to visit another doctor who can actually help me. I'm sick of feeling/being sick every work day.

Incident Log 9/17

Time for an exciting horrifying new feature: a daily incident log of the hell that is my job. This is not meant for humor. This is an outlet, and a record for my own personal sanity. This log details incidents with my manager. Nobody else is listed as I LITERALLY HAVE NO FUCKING PROBLEMS WITH ANY OTHER COWORKER.

9/17/14

• Told I had a ‘know it all’ attitude and wasn’t gelling with other employees. No examples were provided on how I was acting like a know it all. Told I “have to change the way you speak because you sound like a know it all.”
• Tried to explain a problem with a task B.W. gave me, and got flustered as he was in a hurry. Was verbally reprimanded for repeating myself. Later when I was able to group my thoughts and explain why I was repeated myself and what the issue was I was told I needed to work on communication.
• Given task to find out who posted a contract. When I said “I might not be able to get an answer by the end of the day, as B.C. and K.O. (coworkers) are out of the office for the rest of the week.” I was reprimanded for not giving a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response.
• When I announced I was leaving at 5, as is standard since I transfered to this location (I worked until 4:00 previously) B.W. told me I should have offered to stay and help as we were busy. I said “You just complained to Tim that you had to pay people to stay after five because he didn’t ask us for help earlier, so I assumed you wouldn’t want me to stay.” B.W responded by stating “You should have offered. I’m calling you on this, every time you pull this ‘Shayna Shit.’ It’s going to be unpleasant working with me for the next few weeks because I’m calling you on your ‘Shayna Shit’ every time.”
• I said I’d offer to stay late when I could, but that wasn’t alway an option. He then told me “This isn’t a 9-5 job. I’ve never had an office manager scurry [my emphasis] out of here at five every day like you do. The others would offer to stay and help. I know you have rides arranged and plays, but you’ve got to prioritize.” I told him it was usually my disabled mother picking me up and I didn’t want her to wait in the car. I also said that I could often stay late, if I was able to plan it in advance.  He again dismissed this reasoning as ‘Shayna Shit.’  I told him I’d offer to stay late days I could, and got out.

This is my fucking day. And only after I started logging events. This barely scrapes the surface.

Five Favorite Grownup Animations

I was going to call these ‘adult animations’, but this isn’t Fritz the Cat. Just programs and movies either intended for adults or lost on kids.

5. The Critic

From part of the creative team that brought you Futurama and The Simpsons comes The Critic: a show about Jay Sherman, a fat cranky film critic trying to find love and be a decent dad.

This isn’t anything special on its face. There’s dozens of like-minded sitcom premises. What sets The Critic apart are its characters and voice actors. The guy whose face gets torn off in Silence of the Lambs? He’s Jay’s crazy-fit boss. The stepdad Chucky hangs in Child’s Play 2? He’s a nonsense spouting father figure. The Brain? He’s Jay’s best friend.

These are your stars, folks.

Jay himself is of course voiced by the incomparable Jon Lovitz. This is by far my favorite thing he’s been in, including SNL. He’s perfect as an angry film reviewer, but also as a caring dad, a good boss, an adopted son, and every other emotion he has to play. Fine work.

Sadly, to see The Critic, you’ll have to shell out some dough (or borrow it from my brother in law Grizz). It would be a great addition to Netflix, but we can’t have everything.

4. Soul Eater

Soul Eater is my latest anime obsession. It follows a group of students who go to a school where they learn to fight with/turn into weapons and harvest demon souls. And it’s run by Death. Who is a stich!

It’s got some classic anime ‘adult’ humor (nosebleeds when confronted with busty women, etc), but the themes of friendship and teamwork at very deep. This ain’t no Mighty Ducks or Big Green: if these kids fail, they will die.

The cast of characters is too big to recount, but the seven main kids are great. Three dimensional, and well acted. I’m especially a fan of Patty and Liz, sisters who become twin pistols wielded by Lord Death’s son, Death the Kid.

It’s hard to explain.

The animation is like Beetlejuice meets Spirited Away. It’s colorful and weird. The sun and moon both have faces. They’re…well.

That.

I haven’t read the manga, but I’ve heard nothing but good things. This is another one on Netflix, so it’s easy to find. Enjoy!

3. Bob’s Burgers

I did not want to like this show.

I saw the previews on Fox alongside The Simpsons and American Dad, and I was appalled. The animation was bizarre, the characters formulaic (ooh, a fat kid, a nerd, and a baby, hiya Griffen family!), and it just looked crappy.

I have never been so wrong.

Bob’s Burgers follows Bob Belcher and family as they try to make a go of their struggling family restaurant. The characters are complex and HYSTERICAL. Tina, the awkward teenage daughter, is one of the most realistic portrayals of a girl her age I’ve ever seen. In many ways I was that girl. It was crazy to see it onscreen.

Not in this way, though.

The voice talent is another draw. Bob (the dad) is Archer, his youngest daughter (Louise) is Cheryl Wassername, and who cares about the rest, ARCHER! There’s even a crossover episode of with Archer (sorta).

Give it a chance. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

2. BoJack Horseman

BoJack Horseman is the story of the titular man-horse: a washed up 90s sitcom star who has sunk into the depths of Hollywood’s vacuous void. His possible salvation comes in the form of Diane, a ghostwriter working on his autobiography.

What starts as a so-so comedy quickly becomes dark and serious. One episode had me in tears as BoJack comes to a painful realization: he is not a good person, and there may be no hope for him. It’s harsh and brilliant.

Other characters include his houseguest/moocher Todd (human), ex-girlfriend/current agent Princess Carolyn, (a pink cat), and Mr. Peanutbutter (Golden Retriever), another 90s star who is “too dumb to realize how miserable he should be” to quote BoJack.

So BoJack.

It’s one of the best shows I’ve seen in a long time, and has the voice talents of Will Arnett as BoJack, Aaron Paul as Todd, Patton Oswald as EVERYTHING and many other comedy alums. If you have Netflix, check it out: this baby’s exclusive!

1. Watership Down

Watership down is a book, a movie, and a Saturday morning cartoon. The cartoon is the closest thing to being kid friendly, but it’s still graphic.

The animated movie is a whole other animal. There’s blood, death, fighting, all graphic and very realistic. These rabbits suffer. It is an amazing journey. It’s like ‘Homeward Bound’ without the whiskey-voiced golden retrievers.

The voice talent is lacking in spots (not all actors are cut out for it), but I enjoy John Hurt as Fiver, a psychic rabbit who saves his brother and a few other members of his warren from death. His prophesies lead the rabbits to a new home, but the journey is fraught with danger. A lot of bunnies get killed.

This is slightly less bleak than the movie. Slightly.

This book is a favorite of mine, and the movie adaptation is very faithful. I love the art, especially in the opening segment where the rabbit’s mythology is explained. They have their own language, gods, and folklore. It’s a rich world. If you can stand blood and animal death (usually at the paws of other animals, no inhumane humans or anything), give it a go.

It's not so bad

I was going to post some stories about my family. Mostly my Mother, but some about my extended family. Stories that are not normal, or healthy. Stories about a parent making fun of their child, lying to them about their health, mocking them, and a family that goes along.

But the idea of writing these stories down and the information getting back to a member of said family is keeping me from doing so.

My family is mostly internet illiterate, but not totally. I'll post this on my Facebook as usual, but screened from kin. I can't risk it. I won't go home and get slapped around (the few times that was attempted I easily evaded the blows), but I cannot stomach the berating that could follow.

I'll tell stories in person, when the perpetrators aren't around. I'll put them online in places that can't be traced back to me. But I cannot recount them here. Not now.

Don't go thinking I was sexually molested or anything. Nothing like that. Just emotional abuse. Past and present. I was never starved or smacked or drugged or given anything that was a physical blow, like so many people I've known. My wounds are all inside.

Isolated. Berated. Lied to. Lied about. Trying the hardest to be the least favorite. Trained to lie to get little rewards. Trained not to complain because they had it worse than I did.

I do not doubt that (for the most part) my family loves me. I love them. That remains.

But when I tell a story and my husband gives me a look of horror, or my friends laugh until they realize I'm telling the truth, or random commentators on the internet are shocked, I still am flabbergasted. It all seems so normal to me. For me. That's just my life.

Realizing what happened to me was not normal or okay is still hard. I tell and re-tell the stories, to see if people are shocked or if it was a one-time reaction. It's hard to wrap my head around.

Maybe some day I'll write something down here, share it with those who know me. Not today. Today I'll write this vague little note and hide my Facebook status from most of my contact list.

I'll close with a list of signs of emotional abuse. I urge anyone out there who recognizes these items, get help. Get out.

Abusive Expectations - Makes impossible demands, requires constant attention, and constantly criticizes.

Aggressing - Name calling, accusing, blames, threatens or gives orders, and often disguised as a judgmental “I know best” or “helping” attitude.

Constant Chaos - Deliberately starts arguments with you or others. May treat you well in front of others, but changes when you’re alone.

Rejecting - Refusing to acknowledge a person’s value, worth or presence. Communicating that he or she is useless or inferior or devaluing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Denying - Denies personal needs (especially when need is greatest) with the intent of causing hurt or as punishment. Uses silent treatment as punishment. Denies certain events happened or things that were said. Denies your perceptions, memory and sanity by disallowing any viewpoints other than their own which causes self-doubt, confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

Degrading - Any behavior that diminishes the identity, worth or dignity of the person such as: name-calling, mocking, teasing, insulting, ridiculing,

Emotional Blackmail - Uses guilt, compassion, or fear to get what he or she wants.

Terrorizing - Inducing intense fear or terror in a person, by threats or coercion.

Invalidation - Attempts to distort your perception of the world by refusing to acknowledge your personal reality. Says that your emotions and perceptions aren’t real and shouldn’t be trusted.

Isolating - Reducing or restricting freedom and normal contact with others.

Corrupting - Convincing a person to accept and engage in illegal activities.

Exploiting - Using a person for advantage or profit.

Minimizing - A less extreme form of denial that trivializes something you’ve expressed as unimportant or inconsequential.

Unpredictable Responses - Gets angry and upset in a situation that would normally not warrant a response. You walk around on eggshells to avoid any unnecessary drama over innocent comments you make. Drastic mood swings and outbursts.

Gaslighting -A form of psychological abuse involving the manipulation of situations or events that cause a person to be confused or to doubt his perceptions and memories. Gaslighting causes victims to constantly second-guess themselves and wonder if they’re losing their minds.

Service

I'm having issues.

My long time readers know that I recently moved to a new location in the same company. Same position, same pay, waaay more stress. I went from 6 hours a day five days a week mere minutes from my home to 8 hours a day four days a week, a bit further away.

I had to stop writing this entry to help an apprentice director, take a death call, and get told how to do that better by my boss. My stomach is cramping just thinking about it.

I saw one person for a few minutes a day, on average. Now I'm surrounded by people. My main boss (let's call him The Wiz), the one who stresses me the most, shares a wall with me. The others I get along with fine. He's a good funeral director, but a terrible manager. Terrible just business-wise: The Wiz does everything wrong, according to all the 'how to be a good manager' classes I had to take online.

So I've been stressed. Stress dreams, physical complains, psychological issues: It's been a helluva time.

Today was the first day back from a long, much needed vacation in Ohio with the family. This morning my Mother recounted some woes and the fact that she's taken herself off her own medication since medication is 'bad for you.' I was stressed before I even got out the door. First day back, last week was terrible. I was not looking for a good day.

I got in, and things looked better: I only had a small pile of new work, far below was I feared. The Wiz wasn't in yet and I buzzed through my few assignments. I felt a little better, but not much.

Then someone brought in their puppy.

The Wiz cooed and petted the puppy, as did I and the rest of the office. My stomach ache evaporated. My head cleared. My heart lightened. In a few moments, I was at peace and feeling great.

I know very little about mental health service dogs. I do know that being around a dog or a cat can cheer me up and de-stress me. Petting Harley before or after a long day of work helps keep me together. Petting and snuggling that puppy gave me a boost I didn't know I needed.

I feel like a new person after going to the bark park, even sans dog. Being around dogs is good for my mind, body, and soul. I've known that for years. I moonlight as a pet-sitter at least once a month. I'd love to do that full time, but I'm not confident that it could support my family.

My mental health issues are self diagnosed. I think I may need to seek a professional and get an expert to declare me...whatever I am. I don't know if a service animal is right for me, but I'd sure prefer that to a handful of pills. If I even need that. For now, I'll plan a trip to the park.

My stomach hurts.