...Urgh.

Happy post-holiday recovery.

Merry Christmas!

Harley enjoying her Christmas Present (2013)

A visit from the modern St. Nick

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the place
Every creature was stirring, from toe-tips to face
The stockings were hung, lopsided and dull
(And I'd snuck in one printed with bones and a skull)

The cat was nestled all snug in a box
That held my clean jeans, shirts and socks.
Hubby in PJ pants, I in my robe
Settled in to watch Freakazoid episode 'The Lobe'

When up on my Chromebook there arose such a clatter
I clicked on the link to see what was the matter
Away a new window opened with Flash
Blasted my speakers and it nearly crashed.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear
But a harried newscaster (who needed a beer).
With a red-suited guest star so typecast and slick
I knew it a minute it was supposed to be St. Nick

More rapid than eagles his comebacks came
To each jibe and sarcasm the newscaster could name.
"It's Christmas! I'm magic! What more do you need?
Now tell me all of your hopes (and your greed)."

As comments that before the wild video fly
A story from nothing they made (or would try).
So onward the newscaster and the man flew
With talk of greed and corruption and holiday blues.

And then, with eyes twinkling, the Dems and the 'Pubs
Whined of past year failures and snubs.
As I clicked off the site, I turned around
And then my husband said, with a frown:

"It's Christmas! Why whine about laws and such now?
They'll be on vacation soon anyhow."
I nodded and touched his cheek with a kiss.
"Forget these idiots, I'm happy with this.

"I'm happy with you and I'm happy with life.
I'm happy to be in a home, and your wife.
The world sucks a lot, we know that that's true
But it's Christmas, I'm happy because I have you.

Greed and corruption will always be here
It's Jesus's birthday, so the date is still dear.
We'll sing and we'll eat and we'll be very merry
and maybe that'll make the world less scary."

And he smiled at me and gave me a kiss.
"All I need for Christmas is this."
I prayed for love, many years ago
and thanks to our Lord I have that, I know.

I have friends and family and love that abounds.
And even the talent to sing pleasing sounds.
So back to the TV we turned, life unmarred.
To finish our Christmas movies: Gremlins and Die Hard.

So from my home to yours, let me say unto you
I hope all your holiday wishes come true.
Even with this year vanishing from sight,
I hope your Christmas Eve is merry: have a good night!

Hanukkah

On the night I'm writing this, it's the first night of Hanukkah. For anyone who doesn't know, my father was Jewish. I'm a Baptist, but I have strong ties to my father's side of the family and my Jewish heritage. Tonight, for the first time in my life, I lit the Hanukkah candles and said the prayers.

In years past my (gentile) mother has lit the menorah, but it's not the same. I know she's trying to keep my father's memory alive, but it feels a little insulting when she lights the candles without saying the prayers, or trying to understand at all. So tonight, while she was out and my husband was at work, I lit the candles and said the prayers myself.

I know 'You're not really Jewish either, it's no better when you do it.' It feels better. This is my heritage, my history. My people who fought so we could worship in our temple and purify it. And God's grace that let the purification last eight days/

So here I sit, candles burning in the dark, Christmas tree glowing in the background. A visual remind of the duality I fight to keep alive. 

I miss my father, but he was never very religious. The fact that we have a menorah at all is kind of amazing. If we celebrated any holiday it was always at a relative's house, never at home. I've never hosted a Passover Sedar or even said the evening prayers outside of Fiddler on the Roof. But this makes me feel closer to him than I have in a long time. And I have eight more nights to enjoy that closeness and light.

I leave you with one of the few songs that encapsulates the beauty of the holiday. Happy Hanukkah.

Five Terrible Christmast Specials

5. Pinocchio's Christmas

This special is by the good people who brought you the classic animated specials, Rankin-Bass. So if you're assuming it's not a cash-in on Disney's Pinocchio, but with terrible songs and a totally nonsensical plot, you'd be wrong. The clip above should prove that beyond a reasonable doubt but for the truly hearty, the whole movie is available below. You've been warned.

4. Christmas Story 2

Another terrible cash-in on a classic. It has none of the original cast, humor, warmth, or Christmas spirit. It does have Daniel Stern though.

3. Grandma got run over by a Reindeer

What if annoying Christmas-novelty songs got their own special? Wonder no more, this exists! Not only does Grandma get run over, but a big business, lawsuits, and amnesia play a crucial element. Just like the great stories of Christmas past.

2. The Star Wars Holiday Special

The special so bad that George Lucas, creator of Jar Jar Binks, has disavowed all knowledge of it, and has attempted to buy every existing copy so it can never be seen again. Thankfully (?), the internet exists so it's not gonna vanish.

1. The Christmas Tree

Just...watch. Or watch the Nostalgia Critic destroy it, because DAMN this is the worst in every way. The animation, the acting, the plot, the terrible tacked on 'message'. Jesus, we're sorry for having this have anything to do with your birthday. Forgive us.