Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
How to survive a modern horror movie
There are plenty of guides on how to survive vampires and ghosts and swamp monsters. But what about the demons and driller killers of today? I've put together a handy reference guide on how to survive a James Wan-esq modern horror flick. Enjoy and stay alive!
5. Listen to the expert
This seems like a no-brainer. Not listening to the expert is what kills most extras in these movies. Jaws to Deep Shock and all the older women James Wan can throw at us, people need to listen when someone knowledgeable (or harmlessly crazy) says 'Do/Don't do a thing or you'll die.' Simple.
4. Never move
Moving was enough to stop ghosts in then 70s, but no longer. 90% of ghosts live in new houses nowadays. Ghosts in your current home? They're coming if you move, so save yourself the time and hassle. Fight on your home turf. ONLY move if an expert advises it; that rule supersedes most of these.
3. Be religious
Doesn't matter what religion, any will help (unless its satanic cult). Your father/priest/pastor/rabbi/monk will be more than happy to help with supernatural phenomena and emotional turmoil resulting from it. A cross/star of David/statue may even help keep your home safe! Just remember to avoid dibbuk boxes and the like.
2. Don’t have domestic strife
Good rule in general. Take the time to talk out issues with your SO instead of fighting or avoidance: long boring character pieces will scare away the most persistent killer.
1. Don’t engage
Don't get a Ouija board. Don't call local legends stupid. Don't say "It's only a story!" Don't try to get the attention of the bloody hobo wandering down the street. DON'T. JUST DON'T.
DON'T.
5. Listen to the expert
This seems like a no-brainer. Not listening to the expert is what kills most extras in these movies. Jaws to Deep Shock and all the older women James Wan can throw at us, people need to listen when someone knowledgeable (or harmlessly crazy) says 'Do/Don't do a thing or you'll die.' Simple.
4. Never move
Moving was enough to stop ghosts in then 70s, but no longer. 90% of ghosts live in new houses nowadays. Ghosts in your current home? They're coming if you move, so save yourself the time and hassle. Fight on your home turf. ONLY move if an expert advises it; that rule supersedes most of these.
3. Be religious
Doesn't matter what religion, any will help (unless its satanic cult). Your father/priest/pastor/rabbi/monk will be more than happy to help with supernatural phenomena and emotional turmoil resulting from it. A cross/star of David/statue may even help keep your home safe! Just remember to avoid dibbuk boxes and the like.
2. Don’t have domestic strife
Good rule in general. Take the time to talk out issues with your SO instead of fighting or avoidance: long boring character pieces will scare away the most persistent killer.
1. Don’t engage
Don't get a Ouija board. Don't call local legends stupid. Don't say "It's only a story!" Don't try to get the attention of the bloody hobo wandering down the street. DON'T. JUST DON'T.
DON'T.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
What's the deal with Dead Silence?
Dead Silence is a movie by horror maestro James Wan. He's given us the following classics (or at least well known franchises):
And of course, the project I most recently saw, Dead Silence.
If you can't tell, Mr. Wan seems to have issues with dolls. Nowhere is this more obvious than in Dead Silence, where 101 evil ventriloquist dummies are featured.
There are spoilers ahead, so be warned!
Essentially the plot boils down to this: Mary Shaw was a ventriloquist in the olden days obsessed with making the perfect doll. Her attempts included her abducting and murdering a child who heckled her performance. So the townsfolk murdered her and ripped out her tongue. All these years later she's killing the members of the family that the heckler belonged to, including THE UNBORN. She rips out your tongue if you scream, and then you die. Simple. Ish.
What put most people off was the unnecessary and confusing twist at the end: the protagonist's step-mother had turned his father into a ventriloquist dummy AND WAS HERSELF a perfect doll possessed by Mary Shaw.
Oh, and the ghost murders everyone. The end.
The twist, while well hidden (the second viewing shows the stepmother's hand is ALWAYS behind her husband's back, etc), was just pointless. Originally Stepmommy was a real woman who the husband pushed downstairs to force her to miscarry, and then she became obsessed with/possessed by Mary Shaw. It made a LOT more sense, and I have no idea why it was changed. Maybe James Wan got cold feet. Maybe the studio did. Either way, we still have 90% of a good James Wan film, and I recommend it.
And of course, the project I most recently saw, Dead Silence.
If you can't tell, Mr. Wan seems to have issues with dolls. Nowhere is this more obvious than in Dead Silence, where 101 evil ventriloquist dummies are featured.
There are spoilers ahead, so be warned!
Essentially the plot boils down to this: Mary Shaw was a ventriloquist in the olden days obsessed with making the perfect doll. Her attempts included her abducting and murdering a child who heckled her performance. So the townsfolk murdered her and ripped out her tongue. All these years later she's killing the members of the family that the heckler belonged to, including THE UNBORN. She rips out your tongue if you scream, and then you die. Simple. Ish.
What put most people off was the unnecessary and confusing twist at the end: the protagonist's step-mother had turned his father into a ventriloquist dummy AND WAS HERSELF a perfect doll possessed by Mary Shaw.
A couple of dummies.
Oh, and the ghost murders everyone. The end.
The twist, while well hidden (the second viewing shows the stepmother's hand is ALWAYS behind her husband's back, etc), was just pointless. Originally Stepmommy was a real woman who the husband pushed downstairs to force her to miscarry, and then she became obsessed with/possessed by Mary Shaw. It made a LOT more sense, and I have no idea why it was changed. Maybe James Wan got cold feet. Maybe the studio did. Either way, we still have 90% of a good James Wan film, and I recommend it.
Geek tested. Slappy approved.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Five Personal Paranormal Experiences
I'm no stranger to weird happenings. These are five of the weirdest. Make of them what you will.
5. Footsteps/Voices, Pixley Funeral Home
My former job was that of a funeral home office manager. One of the two locations I worked was the Pixley Funeral Home. Most days I was by myself for 6 hours. And on these days I would hear an almost-constant murmur of voices from downstairs, and phantom footsteps rushing up and down.
I checked downstairs many times, but 90% of the time there was nothing. Occasionally there was a delivery guy, so I know it wasn't just my imagination. I always got the sense that when I was tricked downstairs after hearing a shout something was enjoying a joke.
Whatever. As long as they didn't bother my upstairs, I didn't mind. Now I work at an animal hospital, so farewell voices and thumps of Pixley.
4. Face, Friend's Cabin
A friend of mine (who will recognize himself from this story, IF he reads this rag) has a cabin in the woods.
My first time at the cabin I was with several friends, some of who had little kids. We piled out of the cars and vans long after dark, the small cabin the only thing dotting the slight hill. As people unpacked I edged closer, wanting to get some light.
Under a tiny flight of stairs was a face.
My first thought wasn't 'ghost' it was 'Oh, one of the kids got under the stairs.'
But the kids were still in their car seats. And the face was glowing. And there was NO light.
"H-hello?" I stammered.
The face vanished, and I heard a small pop. I raced over, but there was nothing under the stairs for any light to reflect off, no kid running away, nothing.
The rest of the stay was incident-free.
3. Future dreams (lifelong)
All my life I've had dreams that show the future. Oh, it's never anything like lotto numbers or a Challenger explosion, but little things like places I've never been, or information I'd have no way of knowing. More a bit of trivia than a degree in something.
My earliest memory of this was as a child driving somewhere I'd never been before with my parents and insisting I'd been there. They denied it over and over until I said "Yes I have! See, there's the man with the balloons!"
We then drove by a random guy with balloons. My parents didn't ask me about it again. It wasn't until years later I realized what had actually happened. I still get snippets of conversations, and I've avoided biting my tongue or spraining my ankle more times than I can count. Small, but useful talent!
2. Ghost Animals
At least, I think that's what it was. Many's the time I felt a dog or cat crawl into my waterbed (when I had no such pets, due to them dying), making the bed ripple and rock. If it's not the ghost of Haylee that was getting into my bed, I DON'T want to know what it was...
1. The Bruise
Rather than re-type this story, please enjoy my *cough* cinematic rendition of my weirdest paranormal encounter.
5. Footsteps/Voices, Pixley Funeral Home
My former job was that of a funeral home office manager. One of the two locations I worked was the Pixley Funeral Home. Most days I was by myself for 6 hours. And on these days I would hear an almost-constant murmur of voices from downstairs, and phantom footsteps rushing up and down.
But with sneakers.
I checked downstairs many times, but 90% of the time there was nothing. Occasionally there was a delivery guy, so I know it wasn't just my imagination. I always got the sense that when I was tricked downstairs after hearing a shout something was enjoying a joke.
Whatever. As long as they didn't bother my upstairs, I didn't mind. Now I work at an animal hospital, so farewell voices and thumps of Pixley.
4. Face, Friend's Cabin
A friend of mine (who will recognize himself from this story, IF he reads this rag) has a cabin in the woods.
Try again.
My first time at the cabin I was with several friends, some of who had little kids. We piled out of the cars and vans long after dark, the small cabin the only thing dotting the slight hill. As people unpacked I edged closer, wanting to get some light.
Under a tiny flight of stairs was a face.
But with pupils.
My first thought wasn't 'ghost' it was 'Oh, one of the kids got under the stairs.'
But the kids were still in their car seats. And the face was glowing. And there was NO light.
"H-hello?" I stammered.
The face vanished, and I heard a small pop. I raced over, but there was nothing under the stairs for any light to reflect off, no kid running away, nothing.
The rest of the stay was incident-free.
3. Future dreams (lifelong)
All my life I've had dreams that show the future. Oh, it's never anything like lotto numbers or a Challenger explosion, but little things like places I've never been, or information I'd have no way of knowing. More a bit of trivia than a degree in something.
My earliest memory of this was as a child driving somewhere I'd never been before with my parents and insisting I'd been there. They denied it over and over until I said "Yes I have! See, there's the man with the balloons!"
No, not him.
We then drove by a random guy with balloons. My parents didn't ask me about it again. It wasn't until years later I realized what had actually happened. I still get snippets of conversations, and I've avoided biting my tongue or spraining my ankle more times than I can count. Small, but useful talent!
2. Ghost Animals
At least, I think that's what it was. Many's the time I felt a dog or cat crawl into my waterbed (when I had no such pets, due to them dying), making the bed ripple and rock. If it's not the ghost of Haylee that was getting into my bed, I DON'T want to know what it was...
1. The Bruise
Rather than re-type this story, please enjoy my *cough* cinematic rendition of my weirdest paranormal encounter.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Five dumb Horror Protagonist quotes
Even the best and brightest horror movie heroes and heroines have an off moment. These are some of the dumbest things ever said in horror films.
5. “You’re not even scary!” (Freddy vs. Jason)
Freddy vs. Jason is chock-full of idiot teenagers, and Kia (played by Kelly Rowland) is no exception. She attempts to distract Freddy Krueger from slaughtering her friends with the aforementioned taunt. Taunting a teenager-slaughtering maniac is never a good idea, but this takes the cake.
Frankly, after that faggot remark, I'm not sad to see her go.
4. “It’s just a bunch of Hocus Pocus.” (Hocus Pocus)
When Max title drops, you know shit is about to get serious. And that's saying something, considering how wacky this film looks.
For anyone living under a rock, Max says this line right before lighting the black flame candle and bringing the youth-eating witches back to life. Winnifred (the boss witch) echoes the line mockingly just before they catch the little brat in the finale. Lesson here: never mock the supernatural on Halloween while lighting a candle made from the fat if a hanged man.
3. “This is battery acid. And now you disappear.” (It)
Dear sweet Eddy. He really thought the belief of childhood could carry over to being an adult. Sadly, the same tricks don't work. Eddy was...dead wrong.
2. “It’ll work this time.” (Pet Sematary)
During Pet Sematary, a man loses his daughter's cat to a car, brings it back with an evil Pet Sematary, and then tries it on his son. When that doesn't work and his son kills his wife, he decides one more go is the best option. Against the advice of even a ghost, he just repeats "It'll work this time."
Spoilers: it does not.
1. “It’s only a ___ (toy, dream, story, etc)!”
SO many movies do this. The dismissive quote just before Chucky springs to life, or the demon grabs your girl, or Freddy stabs you. Declaring something is ONLY fiction is the surest ticket to death in ANY horror movie.
So the next time you say 'It's only a bad dream!' ...don't.
5. “You’re not even scary!” (Freddy vs. Jason)
Freddy vs. Jason is chock-full of idiot teenagers, and Kia (played by Kelly Rowland) is no exception. She attempts to distract Freddy Krueger from slaughtering her friends with the aforementioned taunt. Taunting a teenager-slaughtering maniac is never a good idea, but this takes the cake.
Frankly, after that faggot remark, I'm not sad to see her go.
4. “It’s just a bunch of Hocus Pocus.” (Hocus Pocus)
When Max title drops, you know shit is about to get serious. And that's saying something, considering how wacky this film looks.
For anyone living under a rock, Max says this line right before lighting the black flame candle and bringing the youth-eating witches back to life. Winnifred (the boss witch) echoes the line mockingly just before they catch the little brat in the finale. Lesson here: never mock the supernatural on Halloween while lighting a candle made from the fat if a hanged man.
3. “This is battery acid. And now you disappear.” (It)
Dear sweet Eddy. He really thought the belief of childhood could carry over to being an adult. Sadly, the same tricks don't work. Eddy was...dead wrong.
"Thar pun wasn't even good enough for me, boys and ghouls!"
2. “It’ll work this time.” (Pet Sematary)
During Pet Sematary, a man loses his daughter's cat to a car, brings it back with an evil Pet Sematary, and then tries it on his son. When that doesn't work and his son kills his wife, he decides one more go is the best option. Against the advice of even a ghost, he just repeats "It'll work this time."
Spoilers: it does not.
1. “It’s only a ___ (toy, dream, story, etc)!”
SO many movies do this. The dismissive quote just before Chucky springs to life, or the demon grabs your girl, or Freddy stabs you. Declaring something is ONLY fiction is the surest ticket to death in ANY horror movie.
So the next time you say 'It's only a bad dream!' ...don't.
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