Five Skeletons and Skulls

Why? Because I can. Happy Friday!

My husband woke me from a nightmare this morning

I don’t remember much, aside from being upset. Sherlock (the new BBC one with Benedict Funnyname) and Halloween (again, the new one that Rob Zombie directed).

John was dead. I was John. I wasn’t John. It was confusing. John was on the slab, about to be cremated. I/John watched, in horror. Sherlock was emotionless and indifferent, pretending he didn’t see my/living John’s pain. The horror as I/he asked Sherlock what was wrong with John, why we were burNing him, he was moving on the slab, oh God, Sherlock, he was moving!

Dead John burned. I/living John put on a mask, eyes peering out of a blank face, hiding upstairs in a confusing mansion I’ve never seen. 

This mask. There may have been horns.

Sherlock was worried. He hid his emotions. That was Sherlock does.

Visitors came. Harry, John’s alcoholic lesbian sister (unseen but mentioned in the new show). John hid. I wasn’t John anymore. I wasn’t part of things anymore. Sherlock ignored the masked silent man creeping around the mansion, despite Harry asking what was wrong, what was going on.

John was going to kill him. He was going to stab Sherlock to death. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t stop it. I was a nonentity.

Then I was at a theater, a cross between Fenton Village Players and Clarkston Village players. Small. Narrow. A production of Beauty and the Beast falling apart.

John was there, masked. I was John. Someone was going to die. The play was dying on stange.

Then my husband woke me up, saying we had an hour before we had to leave.

I have no idea what any of it meant. But I am disturbed by it.

Five awesome celebrity trivia facts

As my friends know, I'm very in to trivia and pointless knowledge.  Here are some recent fun facts I happened across in my internet wandering.

5. Dave Bautista, Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy, wept when he was told he got the part. It was a long-standing dream to play a Marvel character.

This guy. 

4. Seth MacFarlane had vocal training from the 90 year old couple that trained Frank Sinatra.

And it shows. DAMN.

3. During the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation Sir Patrick Stewart was convinced that he was going to be fired from the series that he did not unpack his bags for six weeks.

Remember, he's been knighted for acting.

2. Giovanni Ribisi owned a dachshund named Low-Rider.

Enjoy.

1. Max Payne was Mark Wahlberg's favorite role.

Wonderful photo of him.

Hotel Hell, the Applegate River Lodge

I'm watching Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell for the first time. I'm a big fan of Kitchen Nightmares (British and American versions), and this is more of the same. Right now Ramsay is dealing with a hotel run by a hippie, his fighting sons, and his beleaguered ex-wife. It's in Oregon, so they're openly smoking pot. Giant mason jars FULL of pot.

So this is a damn entertaining episode.

I'm just waiting for the moment when Ramsay snaps and yells at the father (nickname "Pa Butt") to "be a man for fuck's sake!" I know it's coming, as is the inevitable 'black-light in the bedroom revealing the filth' scene. So far it's been just dillying around, watching the family fight. Interesting, but not the seared earth screaming I expect from Ramsay.

Ah, the guests are arriving. AND this hotel has a big restaurant! The sons run the restaurant, and one of them is "scared" of dealing with Ramsay in there. As he should be.

No TV in the rooms, but there is a big-ass bear rug. Fantastic.

And now there's a jam session with Pa Butt and a HUGE hippie coven right next to check in. One of the sons is in the band, of course. A MAN IS WEARING A DOG. There are giant mushroom costumes hopping around around the room.

To quote Ramsay "These people are weird...Is this a dream? Is this really happening?"

Ahh, the black light. Stains all over everything. "It's like a mosaic of semen." Poor Ramsay. He's sleeping over an ongoing jam session, inside a giant sleeping bag so as to not touch anything.

I feel bad for the poor cameraman standing in the dark, watching Gordon sleep in pitch-black dark. Oooh, he's going to yell at Pa Butt!

So far, no yelling. He called the whole family together. It's 'I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed' sort of speech at first. C'mon Ramsay, don't leave me hanging.

Oh, Pa Butt's trying to argue with Ramsay. The pain is coming. This place is a million in debt, and Pa Butt refuses to acknowledge there's an issue with money. This guy is a jackass.

Lots of shots of the family dog. He's a cutie.

Ramsay's shaming the sons while Pa Butt has a smoke. Seems to be working. One son is crying. At least, his eyes are red...

Guests are registering complaints with the mom, who knows there are tons of problems. It's like Fawlty Towers in here, without the comedy. Some of the guests were offered pot and got offended.That's a strong reaction. Just say 'no', end of story.

"Don't be a cheeeee-kin..."

More crying family. This is more Dr. Phil and less Chef Ramsay. I think yelling at Pa Butt is coming because he's an asshole that Ramsay's written off. It's gotta happen.

Few shots of Ramsay swimming in the river. He's got a good body for a man his age.

Ramsay's STILL not yelling at Pa Butt. "I would ask you to disappear." He wants the man to step aside so the rest of the family can function. Pa Butt agrees. I have been left hanging. I can't be too mad, this is healthier than screaming. Pointless drama isn't going to do any good. Besides, I can see Ramsay yell at cooks all day.

The end of the episode is guests coming, happy with the new lodge, yadda-yadda. The interesting stuff has already happened (or not). My takeways? I like it, but it's not what I expected. Namely, not so much yelling, more touchy-feeley. It's tonally similar to the British version of Kitchen Nightmares.

Will I watch again? Yes, but maybe not for a while. Kitchen Nightmares I can binge on. This is more like a full meal. Satisfying in one go.

I give it thee and a half screaming chefs out of five.

Scary or Die Review, PART 1

Scary or Die is one of the many low to no budget horror flicks accessible on Netflix. It's about a man attacked by a flesh-eating clown that then transforms into a clown monster himself, according to the summary. Points for originality? Hardly.

We open on racist rednecks driving through the desert and drinking moonshine out of peanut butter jars. Sex and poop jokes abound less than two minutes in. I'm not going to enjoy this.

The rednecks stop for traditional redneck junk food (beef jerky, Marlboro cigs, etc)  and annoy the Mexican clerk (wearing an honest to god Sombrero) and two have sex in the bathroom. These guys better not be the protagonists. They're all awful. And the clerk dies somehow off screen. He might have been murdered by redneck #3, but I can't tell. It's not edited very well.

The point of the drive is finally announced: killing Mexicans as they cross the border. The girl thinks they're there for the 'scare' factor.There are literal graves everywhere. Plus there are two live men in the bed of the truck. They were there the whole time. The older man is about to get killed, no doubt. The younger will swear revenge and...I don't know.

Ooh, turns out the younger guy is a citizen. Whelp, that makes this soooo much more evil. The rednecks were only right about old dude! By the way, he fled and got shot. Young citizen begs for his life, but Redneck #3 slaughters him anyway. 

So far this is not scary or about clowns. I'm very disappointed. 

Desert shots, in case you weren't sure where we were from all the other establishing shots. IT'S FILMMAKING 101! Unless they're contrasting the peace of the desert with the violence that just happened. And I am not giving this movie that kinda credit.

AAAAANNNNNND Netflixs just stopped working because we got a phone call. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe I should stop now.

Nah.

Okay, got things working again. Blood on the sand. The two male rednecks jabber about the corpses and getting them buried and idly wondering where the girl went. Maybe to get the cops since you never told her you were coming to kill people and she freaked when you shot the old guy?

And then #3 pisses on the grave. I won't miss you when girl redneck comes back and shoots you. Hey, she's back with a gun!

Aaaannnd a hand comes out of the grave and grabs #3 and the girl. Also, the piss is smoking. Also #3's eye got gouged out. What the hell movie?! Slow down a bit!

Okay, dead young guy is a zombie. Fair enough, that's how Freddy Krueger was brought back in Nightmare on Elm Street #4. And now the girl, who was unaware of what was happening and tired to help, is getting attacked first. That's fair. 

#3 Is screaming about being blind even though one of his eyes is obviously fine.

Okay, they're all getting eaten now. Even the gore looks shitty. WHERE THE HELL IS MY KILLER CLOWN?!

Mexican zombies, far more than there were graves, lurch for the american border. Oooooh, scary. A few hapless guards see the girl, declare 'another goddamn zombie' and shoot her. WaIt, they knew about zombies? Who else knows? The Government? Why aren't they more worried, or more staffed? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

What...a computer screen? YouTube videos? What am I...

Oh. OH.

THIS IS A GODDAMN ANTHOLOGY MOVIE. WHAT THE HELL. NOBODY SAID THIS WAS AN ANTHOLOGY FILM. ARGH!

I'm out. That first film was really shitty, even by my standards. Screw you, misleading Netflix summary. I might come back to this some other time...