Zombies and Dice: 2018-10-28

Days after getting this teaser, it's been announced the filming is done. Woohoo!

Well, this certainly...exists.

Bill Hader, adult Richie said “It’s really great. It’s very emotional. The cast is amazing… It’s really scary obviously, but I was surprised at how emotional it was. It’s really a story about these people and this kind of trauma that they all went through.”

The book is very emotional, what with all the trauma being remembered, so that's a plus. I think something will be lost in the telling, though, since the inter-cutting of adults without memory flashing back to childhood and revealing things to the reader is lost. We already know (most) of what happened, so the mystery for the adults loses it's punch. But only time will tell.

According to Wikipedia, the 2011 horror movie Creature "...was the lowest grossing first weekend ever for a film appearing on over 1500 screens, and the second worst per location average ever.”

More work went into this than the rest of the movie, combined.

It is one of the worse movies I've ever seen. Even Sid Haig of Rob Zombie fame can't save it.

Lord help him, he tried.

I liveblogged my one and only watch of it. Here are a few choice tidbits. It should give you the viewing experience, sans the pain. YOU'RE WELCOME

A minute in, and we have tits. Classic shitty horror movie hallmark.
A young naked woman going for a swim. Ah, Jaws rip offs. Eases the pain.
For a crocodile attack, there was little blood. And by little, i mean none initially, despite her legs getting BITTEN OFF AT THE THIGH.
Asshole-ish teen/twenty something protagonists played by thirty year olds, check.
That town is way too nice looking to be a ghost town like they’re saying. Pontiac looks shittier than that.
Why is the store clerk chopping onions at the cash register? Ah, to show off missing fingers, of course!
Tons of semi-expository newspaper articles about creature attacks, check.
Gator’s head mounted on a shitty manikin to approximate ‘Lockjaw’. So if the thing has a name, why isn’t the movie named 'Lockjaw’?
Hillbilly ire at sophisticated city protagonists, check.
“[Lockjaw] Ate my ma in '71.” “That’s fuckin’ awesome.”
They’re not racist hillbillies, that’s different. Black protagonist is being treated exactly as others. Refreshing!
Tits shown to the clerk because we have to establish who’s the whore.
Asshole stole an antique flyer from the store. Fuck him, can’t wait until he gets eaten.
Isolated swamp family, blah blah blah, old ways and incest, blah blah blah, pregnant sister-wife eaten by 'ancient white’ gator, grief stricken father-brother goes to gator’s larder (real things gators do, props for science), sees gator eating wife’s stomach, fights it, kills it and…
Eats the body of the gator and the sister-wife, because why the fuck not.
That inbred swamp family has some real industrial looking clothes.
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever hear.” The movie has become self aware.
Hillbillies argue about sending the kids to their death, since it’s supposed to be ‘kin.’
Is this scene implying that by feeding Lockjaw their kin, it keeps the town prosperous? How the Fuck is that supposed to work? The legend wasn’t supernatural until the very end, and that was iffy at best, so how is that supposed to work?
Gator footage with totally different quality than the rest of the film, check.
So, if Lockjaw eats this hillbilly (and he does), then doesn’t that count as 'kin’ getting eaten? Shouldn’t the vague prophecy the hillbillies alluded to be fulfilled now?
Random tarantulas on one guy’s back are random. That was pointless. Is he poisoned now? Is that important at all? One person’s like 'hospital!’ and everyone else is all 'naahhh.’
Blurred monster unseen by anyone even though it’s in broad daylight, check.
The spiders were on his back, why is his arm bitten?
Take him to a hospital, you asshole whore! Asswhore. Hole whore. Hmm.
Ugh, badly-done romance to enhance sadness later when one of them dies. Gag.
Pretty nice curtains for being an abandoned cabin owned by a half-gator monster.
Lockjaw shot from the back. Clearly, does NOT have a gator head. Effects fail.
Pot and drinking and artsy photography round the campfire.Like ya do.
Discount Captain America is about to be the first to die. Yeah, go get your beer, you dumbass.
Discount Cap legit just called the black guy ‘Iron Man’. Movie really is self aware.
Lockjaw ignores easily-attackable protagonists to go spy on hillbillies in a trailer. Who are cleaning their guns. This is a stupid-ass monster.
Oh shit, that one hillbillies IS supposed to have a french accent. I thought I imagined it until now.
They’re in the woods to make sure the kids don’t leave. Is Lockjaw that shitty at killing victims?
I think Frenchie is about to bite it. Lesson learned: never stop to pee.
Lockjaw has fucking moss on his back. WHY?
Frenchie lives, other dude dies. I was wrong.
Holy shit, one of the girls actually wears a bra. For a microsecond.
Surprise lesbians!
Also surprise snake that can’t be indigenous to america.
Discount cap just chopped a snake’s head off and splattered whore with it’s blood and NEITHER PARTY ADDRESSED IT. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK, ADDRESS THAT!
If I don’t get a good look at Lockjaw soon I'ma be real pissed. This is fucking dull.
Oh yay. Sex. And one guy is about to take pictures from afar. What the fuck dude.
Jerkin’ it to the extremely unsexy stuff happening. Like ya do.
Picture, jerk, picture, jerk, and now his sister is coming to watch with the photographer, JESUS SHE’S JERKING HOW BROTHER OFF AND NOW THEY’RE MAKING OUT, FUCK FUCK FUCK, ABORT ABORT!
Why does this movie love incest? WHY?
Hillbilly shows up and punches incest sis out of nowhere.
Hm. Apparently, that hilbilly store clerk is the dad of incest chick and ‘thief’ guy. So this was all a setup. That’s not the shittiest twist ever. Points.
Father and son murder pep talk. Awww.
Discount Cap saw the whole thing. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNnnnddd.
And there’s Lockjaw. Still far away. Still shitty looking.
Post coital couple about to get et.
Incest bro now claiming Discount Cap cut him up. Why bother? Lockjaw is gonna eat them all soon. They didn’t even know anything was wrong. Why not let them hang around until Lockjaw comes? This is unnecessarily complicated.
Lockjaw looks like a Koopa from the Super Mario Bros movie. PATHETIC.
Incest sis and Pop have a nice talk. Well, he talks, she’s gagged. Family tradition apparently. I don’t care.
Pop just took her feet off with a machete. Not nearly enough blood. Booooo.
Bro sees sis, does nothing. Surely you two knew this was coming. Stop acting so surprised.
Now Discount Cap and black guy are fighting on a highway they accidentally stumbled on. FUCKING WHY.
Bitch better get eaten. SOMEBODY better get eaten.
Lockjaw dragged her and the whole tent underground. Okay, whatever.
Next look at Lockjaw, first in full light. SHITTY MAKEUP.
Girl presumable gets eaten. We see nothing. Booooooo.
Incest sis, still tied up, still not dead from bleeding out. Bullshit. At least Lockjaw is gonna eat her.
No wonder we never see him, that makeup is abysmal.
Ahh, she’s gonna be his bride. Now it all makes the exact same amount of no sense as earlier.
The stupid thing can’t even open or shut it’s mouth. Pathetic. The makeup on Face Off is better than this.
Frenchie just shot the black dude through his leg. No screaming. He’s Okay. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK.
Frenchie is explaining about Lockjaw. Yay, more exposition.
Black guy just beat Frenchie to death with the butt of the gun. OFFSCREEN. Show, don’t tell!
Lockjaw killed Discount Cap. Yaaay. I guess this mean’s Black Dude is the hero, by default. So…progressive?
Black guy just snapped some guy’s neck. No idea who it was. All he was doing was standing at the cabin. WTF. THIS IS OUR HERO?
Incest bro has gone nuts. Good deal.
YELLING IS ACTING!
Whelp, bye incest bro. Black dude has killed more people than Lockjaw in this movie. We’re down to him and his girlfriend, out there somewhere.
Black guy, armed with machete, going to Lockjaw’s larder to get his woman. That should be good, but it’s not.
Close your mouth. Or just wander around with it open like Billy Peltzer in Gremlins, whatever. ACTING!
Static shot of him having trouble lighting a lamp. BECAUSE WE NEED TO SEE EVERY SECOND OF THAT SHIT.
Dead bodies, literally feet from the cabin. That is a lazy monster.
Oh, yay, she’s alive and dressed in the bridal outfit. Oh nooooo. I care so deeply about whatshername.
Oh no, Lockjaw is gonna get them. Stop, don’t, come back.
Crawl! Crawl slowly to your freedom!
Why even have a hole in/out of your lair that only humans are small enough to get through easily, Lockjaw? Why?!
Convenient boat is convenient.
Girl has PTSD from…getting dragged underground I guess. Maybe she was raped, but there was zero time for that, given what else Lockjaw has been doing.
Random severed head is random. I think it’s supposed to be discount Cap/Her brother, but I really can’t tell.
Whelp, Lockjaw shoved black dude into the water. Guess he’s dead. Even though Lockjaw didn’t go into the water.
With all your women dead, how are you supposed to keep going on? Incest being a family tradition and all. YOU’RE OUT OF WOMEN!
Oh, wait, the whole town is there and there’s some women.
And black guy, popping out of the river to track them. Big fucking surprise.
Now it’s a cult. I honestly have no idea what the fuck is happening. The Jason mythology is clearer than this.
They worship Lockjaw as a god. WHY?! WHAYYYYY
Does Pop/Clerk not care that both his kids are dead? Like, at all?
FINAL SHOWDOWN MOTHAFUCKA. Black guy vs. Lockjaw.
And there was much punching. Yaaay.
This just turned into WWE wrestling. Looks less real.
You’re a crocodile, BITE HIM!
Slooooooooooooooow fucking moooooooooo.
No wonder he’s not biting. Thpse are very human teeth in the mask. Not even crock teeth. LAZY.
Random sinkhole is random.
Black guy just bit Lockjaw. At least SOMEONE bit!
Lockjaw falls into the sinkhole. That’s how he’s dying. THAT IS HOW THEY TAKE OUT THE MONSTER. HE FALLS INTO A RANDOM FUCKING HOLE THAT OPENED FOR NO GAWDDAMN REASON. FUCK ME.
The townspeople fled at some point. Fuck I don’t care, just get the remaining protagonists out of here and end this pathetic hoedown.
We see the bubbles. We get it, he’s not dead. Stop showing it.
Byeeeeeeeeeeee girlfriend whose name I don’t remember.
Or not. Black guy goes down the hooooooole.
Wait, now it’s daylight and she’s climbing out, face still not muddy. Somehow. How the fuck did she get away?
And Black Guy has Lockjaw’s jaw. HE WAS FUCKING KILLED OFFSCREEN. THEY RIPPED HIS JAW OFF, OFFSCREEN. THAT’S WORSE THAN THE FUCKING HOLE DEATH. FUCK YOU MOVIE. FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.
They walk back to the car, mud free. OF FUCKING COURSE.
Yeah, toss away the jaw that was the only proof that you’re not a murderer you stupid fucking idiots. Fuck you.
Sometime later, people crowd around the previously deserted general store. Pop/Clerk is perfectly happy.
Oh. Third girl isn’t dead. She has a sligtly croc baby. FUCKING TWIST.
And they’re playing old-time religion over the shitty credits.