Five MORE funny gifs.

Happy Friday!

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Shrek-tacular.

Rehursal for Shrek the Musical is going well. It’s tech week, so we’ve got the usual hiccups. The dragon puppet is big and hard to manuver, but I’m not the puppeter. It leaves me free to focus on vocals. It’s not an easy song, so I need all the help I can get.

We’re nearly at the act break. It’s been going well, even with the minor flubs and issues. We’re having a friday rehearsal this week to resolve those.

As for me, I’m getting there. I flubbed a lyric earlier, but I’ll get it. I’m blown away by the choreography: Not that I’m dancing in the very hard numbers (thank God!).

Overall, it’s a great cast. I can’t fault any of them. All fine singers and dancers. It’s gonna be a great show. The slog through hell week will be worth it.

Yeah, I know this is a big ‘come see my show’ post. I don’t care. I’m proud to be in this show, I want to brag a bit.

My husband had to lose his beard today. One of the many sacrifices in playing Lord Farquad. His knees are the next biggest concern. At least heair grows back. It doesn’t bother me, we started dating before he could grow facial hair. He’s shaved before, he’ll shave again.

Our director just complimented him on one particularly hammy reading. His smile is adorable. Reminds me of that slender nerdI fell in love with.

Puppets are being sewn. Flats are being painted. Costumes are being finalized. It’s starting to look like a show, and not a random group of people putzing around onstage. I’m so excited about that.

Soon will come the nerves and the butterfly in the stomach flutters. The knowlage that my friends and family are out there, and I want...need to impress them with my song.

They’ll be impressed by everyone else.

...That did not just happen

Today (literally five minutes ago) I was alone at work when the doorbell chimed. I threw on my Important Manager's Jacket, and ran downstairs.

A young woman was crying softly.

'Oh no.' I smiled gently. A dead husband? She was alone, it was possible.

"Hi" she said, "I have an appointment for 10:30."

"Okay, do you know with who?" I asked, meeting her at the small staircase near the doors.

She frowned, misty eyed. "No."

"That's okay, we'll figure it out." My heart thuds. Nobody's here but me. Nobody said they had a meeting. Damnit! "If you'd like to have a seat in the arrangement room, I'll find out. Would you like a water?"

"Water would be great."

I showed her into the meeting room, and raced upstairs. I called the other offices. Nobody knew who she was or what was happening.

Time to do some investigating. I returned to the room, water and fancy napkin in hand. "Okay, here we are. How do you spell your first name?"

I got her information. She wasn't there for her husband. She was there for herself. No wonder she was crying! She probably had a terminal illness or something. How awful!

I continued to chatter, making her smile and even laugh. I told her about how we were one branch of several funeral homes, and our directors sometimes were a little late, apologizing all the way. The office phone rang. Our pre-need counselor was en route, but she had no recollection of any appointment.

'Maybe she made an appointment with (similar-sounding) funeral home.' I smiled. We were gonna poach a client!

We chatted some more. After a while her phone rang.

"I'm....I'm...where am I?"

I told her our name and location, and gave her a piece of paper stating the name as well.

Her eyes went wide. "Oh! Down Cass Lake road. I'll be right there."

There are no other funeral homes on Cass Lake road. What the hell?

She hung up. The mystery was apparently solved. "If you don't mind my asking, where were you supposed to be?"

She licked her lips. "The Harbor Chiropractic clinic."

I blinked. I blinked again. "That's....a bit different from what we do."

"Yeah." She smiled apologetically and collected her things. "My mom said to come here, and I saw the sign."

"Well, if you ever want to talk to someone about what we do, I'm in 10-4." I held in a laugh as I saw her out.

What the actual hell? I said 'funeral' a dozen times. Did she not know she was coming to a chiropractic clinic? Did she think her mother had sent her here because she was dying?! What the hell?!

I informed the rest of the office and we had a good laugh. People. Just wow.

Five things we found while cleaning the kitchen

To those of you who have been in my home, you understand why this list exists. To anyone else, it's not a hoarders-level of  piled up terror, but only due to the efforts of my husband and myself. The third person living in our home is in therapy, but s/he still tends to accumulate. So, here's a short list of things found on 1 side of our tiny kitchen.

5. Fake flowers

A while back I was in The Rockey Horror (stage) Show. The third person in our house gave me a small bouquet of fake white roses with blood droplests and black stems. I thought it was pretty cool.

Almost this exactly.

Cut to 5ish years later. I have forgotten those roses existed. Yet in the picture window in the kitchen I found not only those, but several other sets of fake flowers. All got tossed, except the black roses. Those got put into a vase and moved to the living room.

4. Unused Sponges and Brillo Pads

Clean sponges found while cleaning? That's like finding a bonus life box in Sonic!

Damnit, I wanted a magnet shield.

Suffice to say, we put those little guys to work. Now we have a few less new sponges, but still more than when we started. So far, a net gain!

3. Bottles and cans

Not the returnable kind. The kind given by in-laws. The kind coated by syrupy messes that entrap unwary bugs as they pass by. The kind that shatter on the floor if you so much as accidentally nudge one the wrong way. The kind that make store brands look like the real deal.

Seems legit to me.

The next thing we found was the glass sliver in my foot. Ouch.

2. Paper

Paperwork, mail, napkins, paper plates, and post-it notes are not things that should be shoved into a window and forgotten about. Especially if there's semi-important marker scribbles all over them, or someone's social security number.

I will be identity-thefting Mr. Public shortly.

We took whatever looked the most important and shoved it into a box for the third person who lives in the house. They can sort through their own stuff. Just not in the kitchen

1. Pride

There are few feelings like walking into a formerly messy room and seeing it clean. My husband even showed it off to a friend when she came to visit that evening. It a big change.

As long as we avert our gaze from the other side...

"Do yourself a favor. Don't turn around."

*Screaming*

"I told you not to turn around."

Five uplifting stories of Karmic Revenge

There is a God, and he has a great sense of humor and justice, according to these people (any spelling errors are the authors, not mine).

5. From a Redditor who deleted his/her account:

My Dad used to be work in the maintanence department at a very expensive & very high class boys-only high school. It was actually a pretty respectable job, requiring a plethora of trade qualifications and a working brain. He was pretty committed to the job and often pulled overtime on the weekends.

But, because it was a rich school in a rich area there was a lot of snobbery involved. Kid's parents were assholes, the kids were practically uncontrollable. Dad handled it all by just being incredibly good at his job and never getting mad - just even.

So, one saturday morning he goes into the workshop on campus to build some new tables and desks. At 9 o'clock he gets in, makes coffee and gets set up, before turning on the extractor fans in the workshop that remove the sawdust. As a sidenote you're legally allowed to operate machinery like this from seven o'clock in the morning onwards, in terms of noise pollution restrictions.

Cue a guy, most likely a parent of one of the boys at the school, storming over from his house in the properties behind the workshop, in his dressing gown. Absolutely flips his shit, screaming at Dad to turn the machinery off. Dad just stands his ground, explains that's he's allowed to be running it and waited until mid morning out of courtesy. That's not good enough and this guy starts making threats along the lines of 'they know me at the College, I know people, I can have you sacked, who is your supervisor?'

Dad says, 'I can give you the maintanence supervisors number.' and hands the guy a business card. Guy pulls out his mobile and dials the number. He's staring Dad in the face, still pumped up and ready to start bagging him out to the supervisor.

Dad's phone rings. He pulls it out, answers it and says, 'Scotch_Carb Snr, maintanence supervisor.'

The guy flipped his shit completely, threw the card back at Dad and stormed out.

4. From Redditor _miss_Clone_High

I was attending training for a deployment. One of the trainers was teaching something wrong and I corrected him. He tried to make a big scene and accused me of disrespecting a superior NCO. Then I pointed out that I out-ranked him.

3. From Redditor edditorRay

Ex girlfriend comes up to me at a group of people I'm chatting with outside of class, sees I'm talking to an attractive girl, and says "you don't want to get to know edditorRay, he is a stupid Jew"! Good thing this was right in front of the local news folks asking the Chabbad (Jewish student group) about the upcoming Jewish Holy Days and the attractive girl I was talking to was recording us on camera.

2. From Redditor jerry121212

This is something my father did. So at the time my dad was working at a advertising company or something. I forget. It's not really important. What is important is it was a very professional environment. Everyday he'd put on a fancy shmancy suit and tie and work in a very fancy shmancy building. One day a new employee was promoted to his floor or something like that. The new guy was pretty young, like fresh out of college, almost. Turns out there were two other guys who worked with my dad that went to the same college as the new guy. I'll call them ted and teddy. Immediately the new guy started to look up to them. He'd go to them for advice and what not. After about three day's ted and teddy decided to play a prank on the new guy. So they decide they should tell him that the next friday was Hawaiian shirt day, but of course it wasn't. They tell my dad about it before hand and ask if he can email him about it too so it looks like everyone knows about it. My dad says he'll do it. So my dad emails the new guy about hawaiian shirt day. Then he email's his boss and fills him in on the situation, but instead of just ratting out ted and teddy, he and his boss organize an actual hawaiian shirt day and tell everyone in the office except ted and teddy. Mean while, my dad tells ted and teddy that the coming friday is corporate picture day so they'll dress super fancy. The picture of my dad's whole office, dressed in hawaiian shirts, except two dudes in the back wearing fancy suits is priceless

1. From Redditor HuaYu

"My first long-term boyfriend cheated on me during our senior year of high school, then led me on for months by saying, "I wanna be with you, I just need some time apart. We're still together, I just wanna see other people two." Like any socially inept, shy, insecure high schooler, I went along with it for quite some time before calling it quits for good.

However, my ex had promised me long before that he would take me to the senior prom that year, no matter what happened between us.

In the weeks leading up to prom, I order a modest looking dress online, buy my ticket, book a hair appointment, the whole shebang.

So, one week before that prom night, I find out from mutual friends that he's taking the 14-year-old who he cheated on me with to the prom instead of me. And I'd also been told that my ex wasn't going to tell me about it. He'd been planning on letting me buy a dress, spend the entire prom day getting ready, and then he was going to stand me up on prom night.

So I asked his recently single best friend to take me (because we'd already been friends for years before, and he'd just broken up with his girlfriend). I return the modest dress I'd bought online, and take the money to a local dress shop. I buy a sexy, flaming red prom dress that shows off my legs, back, and bust. Sky-high black stilettos. I forgo the intricate hair style for a sexy haircut instead.

I looked good.

I showed up for the pre-prom dinner at a restaurant, where my date, his friend and his girlfriend, and my ex and his new girlfriend are waiting at the table. I walk down the path leading to the table like it's a catwalk. Every eye in the restaurant is on me. For thirty seconds, I commanded an entire room.

I danced the night away with my prom date while my ex fumed to himself in the corner, refusing to dance with his girl. He left early. My date and I go back to my house where we have the longest, most intimate conversation of my life. We talk about our lives, our childhoods, who we both are and who we both want to be, everything. We talk until the sun comes up.

My ex's best friend and I are now happily married. So really, every day that I live is a day that my ex's plan to humiliate me is backfiring."