Prompt #3:Futile

I stare at the screen at work. I go home. Different screens. I go out with friends. Phone screens. Movie screens, TV screens, Computer screens. Every room in my house has a screen.

I went on a picnic yesterday with my friend Jane. No screens. No idiocy. Just sunshine, birds, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  

Now I’m back with my screens. Jane is in the hospital with her little boy. Monitor screens.

Yesterday I felt like the world was ending. Today…

Today I eat an apple in front of my screen while it rains. Later I’ll read a book.

Star Trek is coming

I've spent the better part of the last six months watching the complete Star Trek TOS, the first six movies, and the reboot/prequel/sequel that came out in 2009. Now, as a bonified Star-Trek fan, I'm going to see a new Star Trek movie with understanding of all the cannon that went before hand.

I'm a little worried.

They look calm, though. Kinda evil, but calm.

I still loved the  reboot/prequel/sequel after watching TOS. But what if now there's some obscure detail that ruins everything? "Mr. Spock would never cry like that!" or  "Bones would KNOW if it was a space STD!"

See?

Will knowing more about Star Trek, well...ruin Star Trek 2.0? I'm not a Trekkie, by any means: I don't have the titles of episodes memorized, or know the layout of the decks of the Kirk-Era Enterprise, or know what brand of whisky Scottie likes best. But I do really enjoy the show. 

Granted, things that are different in the new universe are things I accept, and even enjoy. Spock/Uhura? Sure. It's no Spirk, but hey, this is a different timeline, and things change.

See?

I love the new actors too. Simon Pegg's Scottie is pure brilliance. Here's hoping he plays Ant-Man too.

He's cool! Really! REALLY!

Worst of all, what if I hate it not because it doesn't live up to the original standards of Star Trek, but because it's just a bad sequel? Hell, every other Star Trek movie is bad, and the reboot/prequel/sequel was good, so...aw crap.

Still waiting with baited breath. Because it's Still Star Trek, it's still a great cast, and J.J. Abrams is the man. Until then...Great Gatsby, anyone?

 Remember this? Wha...what do  you mean, no? In High-school, you read it. No seriously. I swear. I don't care if you remember, you did! C'mon guys, this is why English Majors are dying out!

Why I HATE the Wheel of Time

The Exam 

Please note, I applied this to another author's work, and not my own, so the answers may seem a little...off.

1.      Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages? Nope, nothing that I can recall.

2.      Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage? Yes.

3.      Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it? Yes, on several levels. Hellllo past life!

4.      Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy? Yes.

5.      Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world? No, but most of the sub-plots are.

6.      How about one that will destroy it? Well, things that can help destroy it abound...

7.      Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good? ARE YOU FRIGGAN KIDDING ME???

8.      Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information? Lets see...MIN. She calls herself out on this if I'm not mistaken.

9.      Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise? Do evil gods count?

10.  Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character? Nope, this is averted, at least in THIS life.

11.  Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician? There is a Queen that falls under this trope.

12.  Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel? The brown ajah is this to a tee.

13.  How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"? Perrin.

14.  How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"? MORRAIN I HATE HER FACE.

15.  Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around? There was a bit of this, but not a ton, unless you count hairstyles and nudity.

16.  Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued? Seems like all of them do, thank you Mr. Jordan.

17.  Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals? All of them, at one time or another when they're bitching about not wanting to be in love.

18.  Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters? Minn.

19.  Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters? Bridgette.

20.  Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"? Not by book 5.

21.  How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"? Not by book 5.

22.  Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different? Not by book 5.

23.  Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief? Not by book 5.

24.  Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy? Averted, there are actual warships

25.  Do you not know when the hay baler was invented? Nope.

26.  Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"? SOOO YES

27.  Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then? EVERY ONE

28.  Is this the first book in a planned trilogy? Originally...

29.  How about a quintet or a decalogue? BUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAA

30.  Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book? I want to cry.

31.  Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"? Stuff happens, but it doesn't seem to move the plot ahead.

32.  Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books? HAHAHA!

33.  Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far? Okay, now I'm smiling.

34.  Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group? I don't think so.

35.  Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm? Nope.

36.  Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names? Yes

37.  Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables? Yes

38.  Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"? YES

39.  Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings? Seems to be averted.

40.  How about "orken" or "dwerrows"? Yep.

41.  Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"? Not by book 5.

42.  At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines? Not by book 5.

43.  Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?  No idea

44.  Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG? No idea

45.  Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast? Nope

46.  Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls? Seems like it.

47.  Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't? Seems like it.

48.  Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place? BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAA--

49.  Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot? Seems like it.

50.  Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"? Yep

51.  Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel? Not by book 5.

52.  Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?  Not by book 5.

53.  Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel? Not by book 5.

54.  Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs? No idea.

55.  Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest? Yep.

56.  Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day? This seems to be averted up to book 5.

57.  Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it? Hilariously averted with Perrin's axe. Metaphorical with Mat's Dagger.

58.  Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar? Yep.

59.  Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor? Not sure.

60.  Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? Not sure

61.  Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains? BUAHAHAAHAH

62.  Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns? Humor? Well, there's one stupid joke about X character understanding women that gets repeated EVERY BOOK.

63.  Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger? Rand can't act against women, so yes.

64.  Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man? Yep.

65.  Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal? Seems to be averted.

66.  Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead? Does Perrin's wolf mentor count?

67.  Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"? Seems like it.

68.  Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion? YES

69.  Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild? Honestly can't remember.

70.  Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death? Not by book 5.

71.  Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute? Averted: the bard is the badass and the heroes are useless. Until he dies. But not really.

72.  Is "common" the official language of your world? Yep.

73.  Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before? Not littered, and they do try to take stuff...

74.  Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

75.  Read that question again and answer truthfully. See my previous answers. 

What do you do, when the you is I?

I just got a two hour "Reasons I suck speech" from my boss. Second day in a row. And I know what you're thinking: you're blogging at work, clearly you DO suck. I don't blame you for assuming that.

I spend 50% of my day on hold. So, when I blog it's not taking time away from work: hell, I never go on breaks because of my hold time! So, no, that is not why I suck.

I suck because the file clerk I hired isn't a good telemarketer. She's an excellent file clerk and made my job easier to do by 1000%, but that's a luxury we can't afford. So that's my fault.

I suck because I'm getting married next year, I went on an approved three day vacation, and can't remember offhand the details of every one of our 350+ files when I am asked. Because I'm thinking about the marriage. Clearly.

I suck because I 'Only have two friends, and I hired them both to work here.'

I suck because I haven't been in this business for fifteen years, so I don't understand the nuances of finance like my boss does.

I suck because when the previous manager died of a heart attack I couldn't do everything she could. Still can't.

What do you do with a B.A. in English, assorted positions at prestigious restaurants, and a year's experience at a law firm? Please tell me. I need to get out of here. I'm in a bad place right now. A very bad place.

New friends, or the saga of The Hobbit (not that one)

There's a local restaurant that's open twenty four hours, and has low prices--you know the type of place. My friends and I eat there at least once a week, due to them all being night owls. Nearly every time we're there we see other frequent diners. We've made up names for some "Pepperidge Farm" for a well-dressed older gentleman. "The Wired Couple" for two who are constantly on their laptops and kindles.

Then there's The Hobbit.

No, not that one.

A shorter man, wild brown hair, long beard. He is always in a group of other men around their mid-twenties. We saw him much more than Pepperidge Farm or the Wired couple: every time we've been there, he's been there. The other faces change, but his never has. So, we began to wonder: who is this guy? Why is he here EVERY night? Is he a nerd like us, just seeking a cheap hangout? Curiosity was burning.

Last night, we made contact. The Hobbit and his other friend were outside smoking as we left; it was odd as it was much earlier than we usually went out.

"Hey, sorry we were starring at you." My friend Jay (names replaced to protect the "innocent).

"You were what?" He replied, looking blank.

"Damnit Jay, you blew our cover!" I scolded him sarcastically. "Now they know!"

"I'm sorry, but we're in here all the time, and we always see you." Jay replied.

"You are?"  The Hobbit's friend looked just as blank.

My heart sank a little. We'd been watching these guys for months: they had no idea who we were?

The my fiancee Bahamute walked out, and their faces lit up. "Oooh, YOU guys!"

I guess the 6 foot long haired scruffy guy would stand out more than the rest of us. For his part, Bahamute just looked confused.

"So,"  Jay's wife Selena got into the act "are you nerds like us?"

Well, nobody could say we didn't speak our minds.

"What do you think of the new Star Trek?"  The Hobbit addressed me.

"Love it. It pays respect to the old--"

"While letting the new do new stuff!"  He finished. I began to get excited.

No word on if they support Spirk.

We talked about EVERYTHING. Superheros. Star Trek. Card Games. Video Games. Musical theater! The Hobbit's friend studied in New York.

It was amazing. Everything we'd imagined about these guys was true. They were just like us. We agreed that next time we'd make one massive table and take over half the restaurant, to indulge in all our nerdism.

"I'm Mike."

Well. The Hobbit finally had a name.

"One last thing--do you know you look a little like a Hobbit and a Dwarf combined?" Jay asked.

My jaw dropped. So much for our burgeoning friendship.

"Thorin Oakenshield is my adoptive Father." Mike grinned. We all laughed, me with a mix of joy and relief.

We have met the diners. They are us. If only more friendships could be formed that easily.

Also, Mike may be my genderflip clone from another universe. More on that later.

"My Haunted House", or the pleasures of pet sitting

Last weekend I pet/house sat for a couple of friends. I've sat at their house before with little issue: they have two dogs (who I love!) and several birds (which I despise but didn't have to deal with aside from noise).

As they have Netflix and Cable TV, my viewing options while I whiled away the hours were endless. However, I have an aversion to trying to learn people's entertainment setups. Or, as I so often cry out "I can't work your fricken moon technology!"

                                         

I opted to stick to cable.

Funny thing about cable on Friday and Saturday nights: there's sports, bad movies, The Golden Girls, and paranormal shows. That's it. Granted I love the Golden Girls (I marathoned it TWICE during my stay), but I can only take so much laugh track.

Being a geek, paranormal was where it's at. After the Girls went off the air I settled in with the dogs and watched show after show of ghost hunting, monster spotting, badly reenacted weirdness.

 When it comes to normal TV you're lucky to find a UFO special at 2AM. Back in the day we had 'Beyond Belief, Fact or Fiction' and John Edwards. Ugh.

                                                            Never have South Park and I agreed so much.

So I should be overjoyed by the abundance of choices. Ghost stories. Ghost hunters. Ghost Busters. Celebrity encounters.

The problem is it all blends together. By the time the new show 'My Haunted House' premiered, I was jaded. The chick on The Dead Files has crazy eyes. The reenacter from Monsters and Mysteries in America was so vapid I fell asleep.

The real draw of these shows is the feeling you get when you're all alone in an unfamiliar house and the darkness is closing in. During the day the cheesy Danny Elfman style music and slick graphics are laughably bad.

                                         You are now playing the theme in your head. You're Welcome!

At night, it becomes REAL. Or it did for me, for a few minutes at a time. Usually a commercial break broke me out of my fright as soon as it happened. Hard to be scared when a Cyalis ad comes along.

So, to these shows overall, do I give a yea or nay? Well, it all depends. If you're with friends and want something to laugh at (with a small chance of actually being horrified), it's a good time. If it's the middle of a lovely summer day and you're all alone, SKIP IT. The value will be lost on you, I promise.

                                                              Mmm, that's cheap graphics!

And, on the off chance you're actually experiencing something paranormal and want some advice from these people: STOP. Read a book. Post on Facebook. Call a local team (legit ones won't change for their services). Chances are you know somebody who has experienced something similar and can give you tips.

And whatever you do, DON'T call the Dead Files. Those people will find out what's haunting you, but they won't offer advice besides "Call the Church." I can do that myself, thank you.

                                                                         So legit!

Iron Man 3: Spoilers!

I saw Iron Man 3 at midnight on Thursday. Not that I'm the biggest Iron Man fan (they were next door in the 3D show), but it was my friend's birthday, and I usually go without sleep at least once a week, so what the hell. 

The biggest change from the previous movies is that John Favreau is no longer the director. He keeps a hand in as Happy Hogan, but his role is minimal, especially after Iron Man 2. New director Shane Black definitely has a style all his own. He's directed such classics as Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and written the Lethal Weapon series and Last Action Hero. Of these I've only seen Last Action Hero, so I don't have anything to compare him to.

The narration threw me off, but having it end in a delicious cameo joke was worth the oddness. Definite flashes of the Tobey McGuire Spiderman. I liked the device there, but it feels a little weird from Tony Stark.

What I miss most is the unscripted dialogue. In the first two films very little was scripted, letting the actors conversations flow naturally, creating a better chemistry. Here, every line seems to be solid, so we lose the intimacy between Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, and Don Cheadle. It's not a major issue, but it affects the tone. 

This movie is a departure from the other Iron Men in tone. It's far darker, with Tony killing mooks left and right. No electrostatic bursts to paralyze an enemy, no tying them up, just straight killing. It's jarring. These aren't the Chitau'ri: they're mostly human goons that have guns. He does let some get away, when the mood suits and the joke is funny.

The plot is a lot more complex than it looks, although I called the twist with The Mandarin. Mack (my fiancee) hoped there would be a double twist and that Sir Ben Kingsley would be the big bad after all, but alas, no such luck. Not that Guy Pearce is a bad villain or a bad actor. He's compelling as both. Of course, the die-hards will complain that The Mandarin is supposed to use magic, be Chinese, and any other number of things, but I as a causal reader was able to let it go.

Tony hanging out with Harley was reminiscent of an episode of Batman The Animated Series where a sick Batman...hides in a kid's basement. At least the actor wasn't annoying, and it wen't by quick with some good jokes and a lot of Stark-ness. We do NOT need another Iron Lad.

I feel like there were miss opportunities with Pepper: she's in the suit, but doesn't do anything. She gets super powers, but they're gone (well, we THINK) by the end of the movie. This would have been a great way to get her more involved in the next Avengers flick. Super Pepper! She became a super-hero in the comics. It'd be nice to have another chick besides the Black Widow. Someone with ACTUAL POWERS. Ah well, at least we'll have The Wasp soon. I hope.

All that being said, I enjoyed Iron Man 3. Seeing the fallout of the ultimate science guy dealing with being almost killed by magic aliens was neat. Granted, the panic-attacks were a bit painful to watch (not in the good way), aside from the nightmare scene with Pepper. THAT was gold.

Overall, I'd say it measures up to Iron Man 2. Iron Man 1 is still my fav of the trilogy. It doesn't suffer from Sequelitis, and I'm looking forward to the next appearance of Tony Stark.

That being said, Marvel Studios better give RDJ whatever he wants when they renegotiate his contract. Another guy coming in to play the part at this point would be sooooooo screwed. 

Comic Con: Sex it up?

I'm going to The Motor City Comic Con in a few weeks, and I have a dilemma. I have a stock costume from last Halloween that I'm planning on wearing: A Female Dr. Horrible with her Horrible Gender Bender Ray (a re-purposed Zurg ray gun). I got a few compliments last year and people got the idea.

My problem is this: most of the time if women are dressed up at Comic Con, they are sexy. Low cut tops, high boots, fishnets, the whole McGilla. My costume is in NO WAY sexy. A lab coat (ok, a modded chef's coat), rubber rain boots, welders goggles, etc. In my brain, M to F Doc Horrible is VERY uncomfortable in her new body. See for yourself:

So, do I go to Con in-character, not sexy (or at least, not low-cut overtly sexy), or try to sex it up so I don't feel bad after seeing the zillion hot girl in a bad Harley Quinn costume?

Prompt #2 Dim

The light faded from Rico’s eyes. Ed let himself drink in the sight. He had a little time. The warm air would keep the body limber for a while longer: those cop TV shows had a bit of truth.

He shifted his weight and started his work. The body would barely be moved: all the evidence would rot with him. Less risk than dragging it all over creation. No bloodstains in the car, no fibers of dead skin under his nails. Burn everything, spread the ashes, and bury the body so deep even the maggots would have to get pickaxes.

Dilbert

With the advent of Netflix, many older shows that only lasted a season or two are coming back into the public eye. One of my favorite programs in this category is the Dilbert animated series.

I own several of Scott Adams books, including The Dilbert Principal, The Dilbert Future, and assorted cartoon collections. All of them are funny and insightful: some scarily so now that I work in an office (And a manger! At least I'm not a Pointy-Haired Boss. Yet). The animated series is just as much fun, if a bit lighter on the actual science stuff.

You've gotta love the voice actors: Dilbert is grown-up Kevin Arnold, Dogbert is Lily's Dad,  The PHB is Mr. Poole ESQ, and a whole host of others. Even over ten years later, Ratbert still sounds like Sponge Bob. Then again, I have an uncanny knack for determining who a voice actor is. For example, did you know The World's Smartest Garbage Man, Egon, Morbo, The Brain, and Kiff Kroker are the same man? But I digress.

The animation looks like it jumped right off Scott Adams notebook. Simplistic, but colorful and fun. No beauty there, but the idea of Art is somewhat foreign to engineers.

The writing is fine. If you like the 3 panel cartoons, you'll like the show. Millions of readers can't be wrong! Well...I suppose they could be wrong...I'd have to find some data on amount of people inverse to quality of whatever it is they adore...Aw, damnit Jim, I'm a writer not an engineer!

Anyway, if you missed this series in the early 2000s, I encourage you to check it out. People are still dumb, lazy, and stupid. Business still tries to suck every last dollar out of our pockets. Work still sucks. Might as well have a laugh about it before you head back to your cubical.

Prompt #1 "Crash"

Loki wasn’t sure exactly what hit him. But it was big. Very very big.

The gray image solidified slightly. Mjölnir was a half-inch in front of his face.

Ah.

“Do not test me, Brother.” Thor yanked him onto his feet.

The idiot honestly expected him to try something after that? He could feel his teeth loosening behind his metal muzzle, and Thor thought he was dangerous?
Maybe the idiot was learning after all.

It was more than he could say of Odin. The Allfather stood, glaring with his single eye.

He’d fallen for far too long. Time for the crash.