Horror Survival Tips

As a devotee of horror movies, Stephen King novels, and occult research, I've learned much about the art of horror movie survival. Now, most lists will provide you with senseless 'prevention' tips, such as "Stay out of graveyards on Halloween" and "Don't leave your children alone with creepy clown dolls." USELESS! There is no sense in trying to prevent yourself from being in a horror movie. If you're trying, it's already too late. So, lets get straight to the useful information.

First of all, you'll need a diverse group of friends. If you're like me, you're an outgoing geek with an 'nontraditional' sense of humor. You'll need the following to fill out a proper group:
One jock or athletic type and his cheerleader girlfriend (NOTE: Any changes to sex are doable. This is the 21st century after all).
One non-white minority. Your half-Jewish friend isn't going to cut it.
One jerk who everyone sort of likes enough to keep him around.
One guy who's defining characteristic is 'sweet'.
One girl who's interested in the 'sweet' guy, but hasn't made a move since they've been friends forever.
This is just a basic list. Feel free to add on--remember, the more victims there are, the less likely the killer will get to you!

Now that you've got your group assembled, you can get down to the business of surviving. Everyone knows typical rules such as "Don't go off alone to investigate a strange noise" and "Don't go back for the cat (unless you're Sigourney Weaver). Here are some situation specific tips.

A Slasher:

Never make fun of or abuse a homeless person, mental deviant, or anyone working in a menial job. At worst they're the killer, and at best they'll provide fodder for the slasher later.

Never discount town legends of child-killers, witches, or anyone killed for being strange. This is you're strongest link to finding out who the killer is, or who's descendant is wreaking vengeance on the town folks descendants.

Finally, never run towards a cabin, abandoned house, or defunct factory to try and hide. You will be found. Keep running until you reach a police station.

Zombies:

Usually, speed and intelligence will be your best weapons against the undead. Simply walk briskly out of the area, keeping to open spaces so a hidden zombie can't bite you. Stay sharp, and you should make it though the night with no loss of life.

If they can run, you're down to intelligence as a primary weapon. Go on the offensive. Get a sharp object, like a long knife, or a gun if you know how to use it. If you're in an open area with little cover, try to walk out while keeping everyone in a defensive ring so they can spot the undead and pick them off. If there is any kind of cover, such as trees, climb them, and be silent. If a zombie spots you, kill it quickly, with as little noise as possible so you don't attract more of the undead.

Once the sun is up, make a break for it. Zombies don't rely on vision alone, and have the advantage in the dark.

If someone is bitten, wait until they have expired to put a bullet in their brain. Do NOT wait until they reanimate, however, as someone else will get bit, and the cycle will begin again. Don't get any blood of fluids on you, as they can carry the zombie virus.

If the Zombie Apocalypse comes about, you're screwed. 90% of humanity isn't going to survive, and anyone untrained in either medicine or survival won't be in that 10%. The best advice I can offer is either going out in a blaze of glory. Take some of those undead bastards with you!

Supernatural trouble:

This topic covers a large range, so be prepared for anything. Carry a holy symbol of your religion, whether it's a cross, star of David, or a Flying Spaghetti Monster symbol. As long as you believe in it, it'll work.

Don't use proven failed methods to deal with your problem. For example: if someone has already used a Ouija board and summoned a poltergeist, DON'T try to communicate with it using the board. It'll only make it madder or lead to a sequel.

Don't throw away junky looking amulets, necklaces, or rings. They may be what's causing the problem, but getting rid of without utterly destroying it will make the entity madder. Either burn it, crush it, or pulverize it.

If you're being chased by an croaky-voiced ghost, a little girl on a videotape, or any other monster from an Asian remake, you have my sympathies. There's no escape. It's gonna get you. The best you can do is be around other people as much as possible to buy yourself more time. But, you'll be alone sometime...

And remember, if all else fails: have an ironic discussion about your situation with everyone, pointing out how it's 'just like a horror movie'. Turing it into a horror-comedy just might save your life.