Your voice can give you super strength, but you'll sound incredibly silly.
Child grabbing classes are well worth the money.
If you have money, you can screw the rules.
Card games have everything to do with all facets of life.
Adding 'In America' to your sentences makes you awesome.
Wankers cramp is a deadly disease.
You only need a few keyboard keys to hack a computer.
Kidnapped little brothers are an every day occurrence.
The gaydar is an actual physical item.
Crazy hair can open doors for you.
When you get picked on by orphans, you know you're a loser.
Japanese puberty makes you think you're a pokemon.
Censorship can help you win, if you're male.
Large breasts will mesmerize any man (well, to be fair, that's also true IRL).
Saying 'Attention, duelists!' isn't as good as having a personality.
The more you look like a shemale, the more fan girls you'll have.
Having a sexy alter ego will destroy your love life.
When all else fails: MIND CRUSH!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Horror Survival Tips
As a devotee of horror movies, Stephen King novels, and occult research, I've learned much about the art of horror movie survival. Now, most lists will provide you with senseless 'prevention' tips, such as "Stay out of graveyards on Halloween" and "Don't leave your children alone with creepy clown dolls." USELESS! There is no sense in trying to prevent yourself from being in a horror movie. If you're trying, it's already too late. So, lets get straight to the useful information.
First of all, you'll need a diverse group of friends. If you're like me, you're an outgoing geek with an 'nontraditional' sense of humor. You'll need the following to fill out a proper group:
One jock or athletic type and his cheerleader girlfriend (NOTE: Any changes to sex are doable. This is the 21st century after all).
One non-white minority. Your half-Jewish friend isn't going to cut it.
One jerk who everyone sort of likes enough to keep him around.
One guy who's defining characteristic is 'sweet'.
One girl who's interested in the 'sweet' guy, but hasn't made a move since they've been friends forever.
This is just a basic list. Feel free to add on--remember, the more victims there are, the less likely the killer will get to you!
Now that you've got your group assembled, you can get down to the business of surviving. Everyone knows typical rules such as "Don't go off alone to investigate a strange noise" and "Don't go back for the cat (unless you're Sigourney Weaver). Here are some situation specific tips.
A Slasher:
Never make fun of or abuse a homeless person, mental deviant, or anyone working in a menial job. At worst they're the killer, and at best they'll provide fodder for the slasher later.
Never discount town legends of child-killers, witches, or anyone killed for being strange. This is you're strongest link to finding out who the killer is, or who's descendant is wreaking vengeance on the town folks descendants.
Finally, never run towards a cabin, abandoned house, or defunct factory to try and hide. You will be found. Keep running until you reach a police station.
Zombies:
Usually, speed and intelligence will be your best weapons against the undead. Simply walk briskly out of the area, keeping to open spaces so a hidden zombie can't bite you. Stay sharp, and you should make it though the night with no loss of life.
If they can run, you're down to intelligence as a primary weapon. Go on the offensive. Get a sharp object, like a long knife, or a gun if you know how to use it. If you're in an open area with little cover, try to walk out while keeping everyone in a defensive ring so they can spot the undead and pick them off. If there is any kind of cover, such as trees, climb them, and be silent. If a zombie spots you, kill it quickly, with as little noise as possible so you don't attract more of the undead.
Once the sun is up, make a break for it. Zombies don't rely on vision alone, and have the advantage in the dark.
If someone is bitten, wait until they have expired to put a bullet in their brain. Do NOT wait until they reanimate, however, as someone else will get bit, and the cycle will begin again. Don't get any blood of fluids on you, as they can carry the zombie virus.
If the Zombie Apocalypse comes about, you're screwed. 90% of humanity isn't going to survive, and anyone untrained in either medicine or survival won't be in that 10%. The best advice I can offer is either going out in a blaze of glory. Take some of those undead bastards with you!
Supernatural trouble:
This topic covers a large range, so be prepared for anything. Carry a holy symbol of your religion, whether it's a cross, star of David, or a Flying Spaghetti Monster symbol. As long as you believe in it, it'll work.
Don't use proven failed methods to deal with your problem. For example: if someone has already used a Ouija board and summoned a poltergeist, DON'T try to communicate with it using the board. It'll only make it madder or lead to a sequel.
Don't throw away junky looking amulets, necklaces, or rings. They may be what's causing the problem, but getting rid of without utterly destroying it will make the entity madder. Either burn it, crush it, or pulverize it.
If you're being chased by an croaky-voiced ghost, a little girl on a videotape, or any other monster from an Asian remake, you have my sympathies. There's no escape. It's gonna get you. The best you can do is be around other people as much as possible to buy yourself more time. But, you'll be alone sometime...
And remember, if all else fails: have an ironic discussion about your situation with everyone, pointing out how it's 'just like a horror movie'. Turing it into a horror-comedy just might save your life.
First of all, you'll need a diverse group of friends. If you're like me, you're an outgoing geek with an 'nontraditional' sense of humor. You'll need the following to fill out a proper group:
One jock or athletic type and his cheerleader girlfriend (NOTE: Any changes to sex are doable. This is the 21st century after all).
One non-white minority. Your half-Jewish friend isn't going to cut it.
One jerk who everyone sort of likes enough to keep him around.
One guy who's defining characteristic is 'sweet'.
One girl who's interested in the 'sweet' guy, but hasn't made a move since they've been friends forever.
This is just a basic list. Feel free to add on--remember, the more victims there are, the less likely the killer will get to you!
Now that you've got your group assembled, you can get down to the business of surviving. Everyone knows typical rules such as "Don't go off alone to investigate a strange noise" and "Don't go back for the cat (unless you're Sigourney Weaver). Here are some situation specific tips.
A Slasher:
Never make fun of or abuse a homeless person, mental deviant, or anyone working in a menial job. At worst they're the killer, and at best they'll provide fodder for the slasher later.
Never discount town legends of child-killers, witches, or anyone killed for being strange. This is you're strongest link to finding out who the killer is, or who's descendant is wreaking vengeance on the town folks descendants.
Finally, never run towards a cabin, abandoned house, or defunct factory to try and hide. You will be found. Keep running until you reach a police station.
Zombies:
Usually, speed and intelligence will be your best weapons against the undead. Simply walk briskly out of the area, keeping to open spaces so a hidden zombie can't bite you. Stay sharp, and you should make it though the night with no loss of life.
If they can run, you're down to intelligence as a primary weapon. Go on the offensive. Get a sharp object, like a long knife, or a gun if you know how to use it. If you're in an open area with little cover, try to walk out while keeping everyone in a defensive ring so they can spot the undead and pick them off. If there is any kind of cover, such as trees, climb them, and be silent. If a zombie spots you, kill it quickly, with as little noise as possible so you don't attract more of the undead.
Once the sun is up, make a break for it. Zombies don't rely on vision alone, and have the advantage in the dark.
If someone is bitten, wait until they have expired to put a bullet in their brain. Do NOT wait until they reanimate, however, as someone else will get bit, and the cycle will begin again. Don't get any blood of fluids on you, as they can carry the zombie virus.
If the Zombie Apocalypse comes about, you're screwed. 90% of humanity isn't going to survive, and anyone untrained in either medicine or survival won't be in that 10%. The best advice I can offer is either going out in a blaze of glory. Take some of those undead bastards with you!
Supernatural trouble:
This topic covers a large range, so be prepared for anything. Carry a holy symbol of your religion, whether it's a cross, star of David, or a Flying Spaghetti Monster symbol. As long as you believe in it, it'll work.
Don't use proven failed methods to deal with your problem. For example: if someone has already used a Ouija board and summoned a poltergeist, DON'T try to communicate with it using the board. It'll only make it madder or lead to a sequel.
Don't throw away junky looking amulets, necklaces, or rings. They may be what's causing the problem, but getting rid of without utterly destroying it will make the entity madder. Either burn it, crush it, or pulverize it.
If you're being chased by an croaky-voiced ghost, a little girl on a videotape, or any other monster from an Asian remake, you have my sympathies. There's no escape. It's gonna get you. The best you can do is be around other people as much as possible to buy yourself more time. But, you'll be alone sometime...
And remember, if all else fails: have an ironic discussion about your situation with everyone, pointing out how it's 'just like a horror movie'. Turing it into a horror-comedy just might save your life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Practical effects, or why Gremlins rock.
Gremlins. Source of countless nightmares, part of the reason the PG-13 rating exists, and the launchpad for countless imitators (Critters, anyone?).
I saw this movie and it's hilarious sequel countless years ago, and have owned the DVDs for some time. As a child of the late eighties, Gremlins was my first encounter with the field of serious horror, and was soon overtaken by the slasher movies from the same time.
The first rated R horror movie I ever saw in theaters was Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow. With little language or suggestiveness, this film was rated R purely for the gore and scary content. My 13 year old mind was mesmerized by the head chopping and gouts of blood spurting everywhere. Eager to see more, I started seeking out other horror films, but was soon disappointed. What was missing? Practical effects.
The advance of CGI on modern cinema has been both a boon and a curse. The effects can be astonishing, like in Lord of the Rings, or complete and utter crap, like...well, almost anything else. The shark that eats Samuel L. Jackson (spoiler, oops) in Deep Blue Sea is terrible looking (Not that that movie was any great shakes). The problem is, with CGI being cheaper and usually easier, the field of practical effects has gone downhill considerably.
Take my first example, Gremlins . If that film were done today, most of the Gremlins would be CGI characters, with a few puppetry effects thrown in. The problem with that is, the problems involved with the puppets actually effected the film's plot. Because of the puppeteer's frustration with Gizmo, we got the Gremlins torturing him. That's a classic bit that otherwise would never exist.
Another reason that practical effects rock is simply because they're real. No matter how great CGI is, nothing can beat seeing something real fly though the air, explode, get chopped up, and being able to suspend your disbelief. You knew they did it somehow, but you have no idea how, thus whatever happens in the movie to account for it seems so much realer. Now, you know its CGI and much of the mystique is gone. Take Ghostbusters. In the library scene, we get cards flying out of drawers and books whizzing across shelves, all done with practical effects. It looks amazing, and you have no idea how they did it. You believe that ghosts are moving the props, because there's simply no other explanation. The same scene done with CGI instead of real props wouldn't have been nearly as cool. You'd know it was an effect, and the impact would be lost.
There's always going to be a place for the special effects wizard in movies, as there is for good CGI. A balance of the two is what's really needed to achieve the right amount of amazing spectacle and realism.
I saw this movie and it's hilarious sequel countless years ago, and have owned the DVDs for some time. As a child of the late eighties, Gremlins was my first encounter with the field of serious horror, and was soon overtaken by the slasher movies from the same time.
The first rated R horror movie I ever saw in theaters was Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow. With little language or suggestiveness, this film was rated R purely for the gore and scary content. My 13 year old mind was mesmerized by the head chopping and gouts of blood spurting everywhere. Eager to see more, I started seeking out other horror films, but was soon disappointed. What was missing? Practical effects.
The advance of CGI on modern cinema has been both a boon and a curse. The effects can be astonishing, like in Lord of the Rings, or complete and utter crap, like...well, almost anything else. The shark that eats Samuel L. Jackson (spoiler, oops) in Deep Blue Sea is terrible looking (Not that that movie was any great shakes). The problem is, with CGI being cheaper and usually easier, the field of practical effects has gone downhill considerably.
Take my first example, Gremlins . If that film were done today, most of the Gremlins would be CGI characters, with a few puppetry effects thrown in. The problem with that is, the problems involved with the puppets actually effected the film's plot. Because of the puppeteer's frustration with Gizmo, we got the Gremlins torturing him. That's a classic bit that otherwise would never exist.
Another reason that practical effects rock is simply because they're real. No matter how great CGI is, nothing can beat seeing something real fly though the air, explode, get chopped up, and being able to suspend your disbelief. You knew they did it somehow, but you have no idea how, thus whatever happens in the movie to account for it seems so much realer. Now, you know its CGI and much of the mystique is gone. Take Ghostbusters. In the library scene, we get cards flying out of drawers and books whizzing across shelves, all done with practical effects. It looks amazing, and you have no idea how they did it. You believe that ghosts are moving the props, because there's simply no other explanation. The same scene done with CGI instead of real props wouldn't have been nearly as cool. You'd know it was an effect, and the impact would be lost.
There's always going to be a place for the special effects wizard in movies, as there is for good CGI. A balance of the two is what's really needed to achieve the right amount of amazing spectacle and realism.
Joker vs. Joker vs. Joker: Apples, oranges, and nuts
For anyone growing up in the nineties, there were two figures you saw as the Joker: The Jack Nicholson Joker from Batman in 1989, and the Mark Hamil Joker from the animated Batman series. Now, as far as interpretation goes, the two are fairly similar: Joker is the classic psychopathic clown from the comics. With the animated Joker, it actually seemed a little darker, since Batman TAS was an overall dark and adult show. Hamil's Joker is usually left by the wayside in favor of the live action interpretations, but it's a valid, creepy, and ultimately faithful version.
Comparing Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger is usually assumed to be a pointless endeavor. The two films are so different in tone, style, and script that its almost a completely different character by necessity. The only real basis you can use is the comicbooks, and even that's tough as Joker's been all over the map from campy sixties clown to uncompromising killer. But, here goes.
Upon recently re-viewing the 1989 Batman and reading some of the comics starring Joker, I came to a conclusion: Nicholson's Joker is superior, because it IS the Joker. Ledger took the character places it hadn't gone before, even in the comics, but by doing so, he made it into something that wasn't the Joker. In The Dark Knight, the Joker really wasn't a psychopathic clown anymore. He was a psychopath who happened to use clown makeup (or 'war paint' if you listen to his henchmen). Compare that to Nicholson, who even when he wasn't wearing the clown makeup (or covered it over), was still every in a psychopathic clown, laughing and joking his way through some incredibly dark crimes. Ledger's Joker shot a lot of people, and his big finish was going to be blowing up the tugboats full of innocent people and hardened criminals. Nicholson's Joker shot a lot of people, but his big finish was to kill everyone with Smylex gas--make 'em die laughing. That's what the Joker is supposed to do: JOKE.
Everyone remembers the Pencil Trick and the Bomb in the stomach, but as far as Jokes go, that's about it. Part of the reason the Joker is so dark is that he mixes humor with his crime. Nicholson does that beautifully, while Ledger's Joker falls somewhat short in the humor department.
The question of where the character will go in the next film is hotly debated. I don't think abandoning the character because Ledger died is the right move: another actor can fill the role, now that it's been set. My preferred method: use another villain in the third installment (Catwoman is a hot contender, but I'd like to see any female villain, really), while having little things happen in the background--sort of like the beginning of TDK, where Joker was playing 2nd fiddle to the mafia storyline. There are flashes of a woman committing the crimes, and taking orders from someone we never see, but hear in a cell. At the end of the movie, Batman finishes the main villain, but the secondary woman, one Dr. Harlene Quinzel, escapes back to Arkham asylum, and reveals the new Joker, setting up for the 4th movie. By the time THAT comes out some of the Ledger hype will have settled, and people will be receptive to a new actor in the role. Not to mention Batman fans have named Harley Quinn as their top pick for the next villain they want to see on screen. Let's hope we get the chance before the franchise dies and needs to be rebooted--again.
Comparing Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger is usually assumed to be a pointless endeavor. The two films are so different in tone, style, and script that its almost a completely different character by necessity. The only real basis you can use is the comicbooks, and even that's tough as Joker's been all over the map from campy sixties clown to uncompromising killer. But, here goes.
Upon recently re-viewing the 1989 Batman and reading some of the comics starring Joker, I came to a conclusion: Nicholson's Joker is superior, because it IS the Joker. Ledger took the character places it hadn't gone before, even in the comics, but by doing so, he made it into something that wasn't the Joker. In The Dark Knight, the Joker really wasn't a psychopathic clown anymore. He was a psychopath who happened to use clown makeup (or 'war paint' if you listen to his henchmen). Compare that to Nicholson, who even when he wasn't wearing the clown makeup (or covered it over), was still every in a psychopathic clown, laughing and joking his way through some incredibly dark crimes. Ledger's Joker shot a lot of people, and his big finish was going to be blowing up the tugboats full of innocent people and hardened criminals. Nicholson's Joker shot a lot of people, but his big finish was to kill everyone with Smylex gas--make 'em die laughing. That's what the Joker is supposed to do: JOKE.
Everyone remembers the Pencil Trick and the Bomb in the stomach, but as far as Jokes go, that's about it. Part of the reason the Joker is so dark is that he mixes humor with his crime. Nicholson does that beautifully, while Ledger's Joker falls somewhat short in the humor department.
The question of where the character will go in the next film is hotly debated. I don't think abandoning the character because Ledger died is the right move: another actor can fill the role, now that it's been set. My preferred method: use another villain in the third installment (Catwoman is a hot contender, but I'd like to see any female villain, really), while having little things happen in the background--sort of like the beginning of TDK, where Joker was playing 2nd fiddle to the mafia storyline. There are flashes of a woman committing the crimes, and taking orders from someone we never see, but hear in a cell. At the end of the movie, Batman finishes the main villain, but the secondary woman, one Dr. Harlene Quinzel, escapes back to Arkham asylum, and reveals the new Joker, setting up for the 4th movie. By the time THAT comes out some of the Ledger hype will have settled, and people will be receptive to a new actor in the role. Not to mention Batman fans have named Harley Quinn as their top pick for the next villain they want to see on screen. Let's hope we get the chance before the franchise dies and needs to be rebooted--again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)