Spooky Friday!
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Friday, October 10, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Personality, or why the Evil Dead Remake doesn't work
I am not a fan of the new Evil Dead. As a horror movie it’s not the worst, but I don’t consider it a worthy entry into the franchise. And no, it wasn’t because no Ash (that made plenty of sense), or updated story elements (the story worked fine) or horrible actors (they were all at least passable). No, my issue with the movie comes down to one very important aspect: the Deadites.
“DEAD BY DAWN!” “I’ll swallow your soul!” “You’re just a little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!” These a but a few of the memorable gems spoken by Deadites in the first three films. And here is the most memorable thing said by one in the new one:
“…(groaning noises).”
The Deadites aren’t just zombies. They’re thinking, manipulative creatures that try and make their victims go mad so they’ll be easier to possess. In the new film they’re just mindless
zombies biting and clawing to infect the cabin-dwellers. It loses so much of the flavor that it’s no longer an Evil Dead Film.
I can understand chucking the humorous elements of the Deadites to try and make the film more serious. Horror/comedy is a fine line to walk, and most who try fail at it. But there was a scene at the end of this trailer that managed to do it!
Those lines are direct quotes from the first movie, delivered well and are extremely creepy. Why the hell did they cut it from the film? That tiny taste of personality would have gone a long way towards getting fans on its side!
One Deadite does talk a bit near the end of the film, but it’s nothing more than expository dialogue delivered without style. The personality in this film comes from the human actors and nowhere else. Once they turn, you might as well turn it off.
It has been said that this film takes place in the same universe as the others, and may even be a direct sequel with some of the actors secretly playing Ash William’s kids. There’s also talk of another movie tying the events of this (and any subsequent reboot-y films) in with Army of Darkness and Bruce Campbell returning as Ash. If that’s true, I’ll feel better about this movie, but not great. Not unless it’s said that these creatures aren’t Deadites, or are a brainless subsect, or even Ash saying “They just don’t make Deadites like they used to.” SOME acknowledgment that there is a concrete difference between these things and the real Deadites.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice my demonic laughter and getting my head chainsawed off by my husband.
“DEAD BY DAWN!” “I’ll swallow your soul!” “You’re just a little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!” These a but a few of the memorable gems spoken by Deadites in the first three films. And here is the most memorable thing said by one in the new one:
“…(groaning noises).”
The Deadites aren’t just zombies. They’re thinking, manipulative creatures that try and make their victims go mad so they’ll be easier to possess. In the new film they’re just mindless
zombies biting and clawing to infect the cabin-dwellers. It loses so much of the flavor that it’s no longer an Evil Dead Film.
I can understand chucking the humorous elements of the Deadites to try and make the film more serious. Horror/comedy is a fine line to walk, and most who try fail at it. But there was a scene at the end of this trailer that managed to do it!
Those lines are direct quotes from the first movie, delivered well and are extremely creepy. Why the hell did they cut it from the film? That tiny taste of personality would have gone a long way towards getting fans on its side!
One Deadite does talk a bit near the end of the film, but it’s nothing more than expository dialogue delivered without style. The personality in this film comes from the human actors and nowhere else. Once they turn, you might as well turn it off.
It has been said that this film takes place in the same universe as the others, and may even be a direct sequel with some of the actors secretly playing Ash William’s kids. There’s also talk of another movie tying the events of this (and any subsequent reboot-y films) in with Army of Darkness and Bruce Campbell returning as Ash. If that’s true, I’ll feel better about this movie, but not great. Not unless it’s said that these creatures aren’t Deadites, or are a brainless subsect, or even Ash saying “They just don’t make Deadites like they used to.” SOME acknowledgment that there is a concrete difference between these things and the real Deadites.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice my demonic laughter and getting my head chainsawed off by my husband.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Five Lesser-Known Scary Creatures
These boogieman are lesser known than their movie or book brethren. But they're just as scary, if not scarier than most modern creepers. Some are big names among the creepy community, some are just things I found in my internet wanderings. Some are better as ideas, some are full-fledged stories with their own sub-communities of stories.
Here's hoping I can still surprise you, long time readers.
5. Smile Dog
This is not Smile Dog. According to the Creepypasta, this image is a close approximation of the real picture. The real picture is purported to cause nightmares, insanity, and death. So, the internet has done its darndest to make an accurate recreation.
The image of a dog with human teeth is obviously disturbing (as the above shots can attest to). Dog-like monsters aren't anything new, and neither is the monster that demands you share it before you die. Despite that, the story is effective, and the creature works. It'd make a good movie, or even a costume.
Now, where can I find a dog that'll hold dentures in its mouth...
4. Mr. Widemouth
Another from the ranks of Creepypasta, Mr. Widemouth is a classic monster. Part Furby, part Peter Pan, all evil. He's a friend to children...you as a child....or your own children, perhaps. Either way, this furry little guy has gained infamy online. Over 4600 readers have rated his tale terrifying...and that number is growing.
Join the ranks, won't you?
3. The Cot Creature
Redditor Tport17 posted this story, a purportedly true one, about a strange creature that attacked her grandmother in 1930. The woman spent the night on her porch in a cot, and awoke to something sitting on the end, watching her.
Says Tport17 "... [my grandmother] said it was really ugly and had a full set of sharp teeth. It was shaped like a person but didn’t look like a person. She said that it just sat there and smiled at her with its abnormally large mouth of sharp teeth. "
The simplicity of the description allows you to paste your own fears on the creature: a great blank slate. But what really gets me is the story's post script:
"...after [Tport17 's grandmother] told her grandmother about it, they all went outside. She could still see the creature, but [her grandmother and two brothers] couldn’t. It laughed and laughed at her, even while [her brothers] were chopping the cot. Then it just disappeared."
If that doesn't sound like the beginning (or end) of a great horror movie, then I misunderstand the genera. I encourage you to read the whole story: it's short but effective. Bet you'll think twice before spending the night outside. After all, it's just a story.
2. The Rake
The Rake is...The Rake. A historical boogieman invading modern life. A dog-like, man-like creature that haunts the bedrooms of its victims. There are several amateur horror films based on it already. It's legend is growing.
Hope you sleep deeply, readers.
1. The Bongcheon-Dong Ghost
This story can only be experienced. It's not long. Do not read it at work (no nudity or anything). Good luck.
Here's hoping I can still surprise you, long time readers.
5. Smile Dog
This is not Smile Dog. According to the Creepypasta, this image is a close approximation of the real picture. The real picture is purported to cause nightmares, insanity, and death. So, the internet has done its darndest to make an accurate recreation.
The image of a dog with human teeth is obviously disturbing (as the above shots can attest to). Dog-like monsters aren't anything new, and neither is the monster that demands you share it before you die. Despite that, the story is effective, and the creature works. It'd make a good movie, or even a costume.
Now, where can I find a dog that'll hold dentures in its mouth...
4. Mr. Widemouth
Another from the ranks of Creepypasta, Mr. Widemouth is a classic monster. Part Furby, part Peter Pan, all evil. He's a friend to children...you as a child....or your own children, perhaps. Either way, this furry little guy has gained infamy online. Over 4600 readers have rated his tale terrifying...and that number is growing.
Join the ranks, won't you?
3. The Cot Creature
Redditor Tport17 posted this story, a purportedly true one, about a strange creature that attacked her grandmother in 1930. The woman spent the night on her porch in a cot, and awoke to something sitting on the end, watching her.
Says Tport17 "... [my grandmother] said it was really ugly and had a full set of sharp teeth. It was shaped like a person but didn’t look like a person. She said that it just sat there and smiled at her with its abnormally large mouth of sharp teeth. "
The simplicity of the description allows you to paste your own fears on the creature: a great blank slate. But what really gets me is the story's post script:
"...after [Tport17 's grandmother] told her grandmother about it, they all went outside. She could still see the creature, but [her grandmother and two brothers] couldn’t. It laughed and laughed at her, even while [her brothers] were chopping the cot. Then it just disappeared."
If that doesn't sound like the beginning (or end) of a great horror movie, then I misunderstand the genera. I encourage you to read the whole story: it's short but effective. Bet you'll think twice before spending the night outside. After all, it's just a story.
Sweet dreams
2. The Rake
The Rake is...The Rake. A historical boogieman invading modern life. A dog-like, man-like creature that haunts the bedrooms of its victims. There are several amateur horror films based on it already. It's legend is growing.
Hope you sleep deeply, readers.
1. The Bongcheon-Dong Ghost
This story can only be experienced. It's not long. Do not read it at work (no nudity or anything). Good luck.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Santa, Jesus, and Rita Moreno
Saturday was a big day, as I sighted all three of the titular individuals.
Let me back up.
I went to the Michigan Renaissance Festival Saturday where I spotted Santa (at the pub) and Jesus (at the front of the pub-crawl line). That was great all by itself. But then I went to the Redford Theater to see West Side Story. Rita Moreno (Anita) was there, and talked about the production of the movie, her work, and her book.
It was cool.
There were some surprises, for the audience and Mrs. Moreno. A troupe of local dancers performed 'America'. Rita graciously 'forgave' the blond girl who played her during the dance for not being Puerto Rican. The Redford always puts on a good show, and this kind of thing isn't uncommon when they have actors in house. A seat was also dedicated to Mrs. Moreno. She seemed to enjoy the proceedings.
The strangest part of the night was listening to the lyrics of 'America', and 'Officer Krupke' and realizing that in the ___ years since it came out, all of it is still relevant. Racism and inequality are constantly in the news. Juvenile delinquency is very much in force, and the same reasons are still given for it.
I was going to quote the relevant lyrics, but there are so many it's easier just to show you. Go ahead, I'll wait.
See? That wasn't such a chore now was it? (in the words of Dr. Ray Stantz)
I enjoy much of this movie. If the romance were a little less...everything, I'd like it much better. Never cared for Romeo and Juliet, but this is probably my second favorite telling of the tale.
If only we could look on it and see only the past, it would be perfect...
Let me back up.
I went to the Michigan Renaissance Festival Saturday where I spotted Santa (at the pub) and Jesus (at the front of the pub-crawl line). That was great all by itself. But then I went to the Redford Theater to see West Side Story. Rita Moreno (Anita) was there, and talked about the production of the movie, her work, and her book.
It was cool.
There were some surprises, for the audience and Mrs. Moreno. A troupe of local dancers performed 'America'. Rita graciously 'forgave' the blond girl who played her during the dance for not being Puerto Rican. The Redford always puts on a good show, and this kind of thing isn't uncommon when they have actors in house. A seat was also dedicated to Mrs. Moreno. She seemed to enjoy the proceedings.
82. Good Lord.
The strangest part of the night was listening to the lyrics of 'America', and 'Officer Krupke' and realizing that in the ___ years since it came out, all of it is still relevant. Racism and inequality are constantly in the news. Juvenile delinquency is very much in force, and the same reasons are still given for it.
I was going to quote the relevant lyrics, but there are so many it's easier just to show you. Go ahead, I'll wait.
See? That wasn't such a chore now was it? (in the words of Dr. Ray Stantz)
I enjoy much of this movie. If the romance were a little less...everything, I'd like it much better. Never cared for Romeo and Juliet, but this is probably my second favorite telling of the tale.
If only we could look on it and see only the past, it would be perfect...
Monday, October 6, 2014
Five Great Cracked Horror Articles
It's no secret to friends and long time readers that I'm a fan of Cracked. And their horror coverage is...extensive.
I encourage you to read all their horror stuff, but here are some of my favorite pieces to get you started.
A great guide of what not to wear this Halloween season. From offensive stereotypes to sexy things that shouldn't be sexy, to just dumb. All really exist. All have been worn. I've seen some of these. And THAT is terrifying.
These horrors are of the sad, real life variety. Important facts about who really poisons candy (hint: it's not random maniacs) and why you should fear/respect the candy lobby. An important read for anyone even adjacent to the holiday.
For readers of Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z this list holds few surprises. But it's a nice refresher course if you have. And if not, it serves as a good introduction to core concepts and ideas.
Plus cool zombie pictures.
From killer cookies to murderous mangles, this list encapsulates some of the worst monsters ever put on the screen. I've seen some of these for myself, and I agree wholeheartedly with everything on this list.
I also own several of these flicks, if anyone's curious...
Real life horror is scarier than anything Hollywood can dream up. It's a wheres where of where you never want to visit. Tourist beware, you're in for a scare.
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