Spooky Friday!
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Friday, October 10, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Personality, or why the Evil Dead Remake doesn't work
I am not a fan of the new Evil Dead. As a horror movie it’s not the worst, but I don’t consider it a worthy entry into the franchise. And no, it wasn’t because no Ash (that made plenty of sense), or updated story elements (the story worked fine) or horrible actors (they were all at least passable). No, my issue with the movie comes down to one very important aspect: the Deadites.
“DEAD BY DAWN!” “I’ll swallow your soul!” “You’re just a little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!” These a but a few of the memorable gems spoken by Deadites in the first three films. And here is the most memorable thing said by one in the new one:
“…(groaning noises).”
The Deadites aren’t just zombies. They’re thinking, manipulative creatures that try and make their victims go mad so they’ll be easier to possess. In the new film they’re just mindless
zombies biting and clawing to infect the cabin-dwellers. It loses so much of the flavor that it’s no longer an Evil Dead Film.
I can understand chucking the humorous elements of the Deadites to try and make the film more serious. Horror/comedy is a fine line to walk, and most who try fail at it. But there was a scene at the end of this trailer that managed to do it!
Those lines are direct quotes from the first movie, delivered well and are extremely creepy. Why the hell did they cut it from the film? That tiny taste of personality would have gone a long way towards getting fans on its side!
One Deadite does talk a bit near the end of the film, but it’s nothing more than expository dialogue delivered without style. The personality in this film comes from the human actors and nowhere else. Once they turn, you might as well turn it off.
It has been said that this film takes place in the same universe as the others, and may even be a direct sequel with some of the actors secretly playing Ash William’s kids. There’s also talk of another movie tying the events of this (and any subsequent reboot-y films) in with Army of Darkness and Bruce Campbell returning as Ash. If that’s true, I’ll feel better about this movie, but not great. Not unless it’s said that these creatures aren’t Deadites, or are a brainless subsect, or even Ash saying “They just don’t make Deadites like they used to.” SOME acknowledgment that there is a concrete difference between these things and the real Deadites.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice my demonic laughter and getting my head chainsawed off by my husband.
“DEAD BY DAWN!” “I’ll swallow your soul!” “You’re just a little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!” These a but a few of the memorable gems spoken by Deadites in the first three films. And here is the most memorable thing said by one in the new one:
“…(groaning noises).”
The Deadites aren’t just zombies. They’re thinking, manipulative creatures that try and make their victims go mad so they’ll be easier to possess. In the new film they’re just mindless
zombies biting and clawing to infect the cabin-dwellers. It loses so much of the flavor that it’s no longer an Evil Dead Film.
I can understand chucking the humorous elements of the Deadites to try and make the film more serious. Horror/comedy is a fine line to walk, and most who try fail at it. But there was a scene at the end of this trailer that managed to do it!
Those lines are direct quotes from the first movie, delivered well and are extremely creepy. Why the hell did they cut it from the film? That tiny taste of personality would have gone a long way towards getting fans on its side!
One Deadite does talk a bit near the end of the film, but it’s nothing more than expository dialogue delivered without style. The personality in this film comes from the human actors and nowhere else. Once they turn, you might as well turn it off.
It has been said that this film takes place in the same universe as the others, and may even be a direct sequel with some of the actors secretly playing Ash William’s kids. There’s also talk of another movie tying the events of this (and any subsequent reboot-y films) in with Army of Darkness and Bruce Campbell returning as Ash. If that’s true, I’ll feel better about this movie, but not great. Not unless it’s said that these creatures aren’t Deadites, or are a brainless subsect, or even Ash saying “They just don’t make Deadites like they used to.” SOME acknowledgment that there is a concrete difference between these things and the real Deadites.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice my demonic laughter and getting my head chainsawed off by my husband.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Five Lesser-Known Scary Creatures
These boogieman are lesser known than their movie or book brethren. But they're just as scary, if not scarier than most modern creepers. Some are big names among the creepy community, some are just things I found in my internet wanderings. Some are better as ideas, some are full-fledged stories with their own sub-communities of stories.
Here's hoping I can still surprise you, long time readers.
5. Smile Dog
This is not Smile Dog. According to the Creepypasta, this image is a close approximation of the real picture. The real picture is purported to cause nightmares, insanity, and death. So, the internet has done its darndest to make an accurate recreation.
The image of a dog with human teeth is obviously disturbing (as the above shots can attest to). Dog-like monsters aren't anything new, and neither is the monster that demands you share it before you die. Despite that, the story is effective, and the creature works. It'd make a good movie, or even a costume.
Now, where can I find a dog that'll hold dentures in its mouth...
4. Mr. Widemouth
Another from the ranks of Creepypasta, Mr. Widemouth is a classic monster. Part Furby, part Peter Pan, all evil. He's a friend to children...you as a child....or your own children, perhaps. Either way, this furry little guy has gained infamy online. Over 4600 readers have rated his tale terrifying...and that number is growing.
Join the ranks, won't you?
3. The Cot Creature
Redditor Tport17 posted this story, a purportedly true one, about a strange creature that attacked her grandmother in 1930. The woman spent the night on her porch in a cot, and awoke to something sitting on the end, watching her.
Says Tport17 "... [my grandmother] said it was really ugly and had a full set of sharp teeth. It was shaped like a person but didn’t look like a person. She said that it just sat there and smiled at her with its abnormally large mouth of sharp teeth. "
The simplicity of the description allows you to paste your own fears on the creature: a great blank slate. But what really gets me is the story's post script:
"...after [Tport17 's grandmother] told her grandmother about it, they all went outside. She could still see the creature, but [her grandmother and two brothers] couldn’t. It laughed and laughed at her, even while [her brothers] were chopping the cot. Then it just disappeared."
If that doesn't sound like the beginning (or end) of a great horror movie, then I misunderstand the genera. I encourage you to read the whole story: it's short but effective. Bet you'll think twice before spending the night outside. After all, it's just a story.
2. The Rake
The Rake is...The Rake. A historical boogieman invading modern life. A dog-like, man-like creature that haunts the bedrooms of its victims. There are several amateur horror films based on it already. It's legend is growing.
Hope you sleep deeply, readers.
1. The Bongcheon-Dong Ghost
This story can only be experienced. It's not long. Do not read it at work (no nudity or anything). Good luck.
Here's hoping I can still surprise you, long time readers.
5. Smile Dog
This is not Smile Dog. According to the Creepypasta, this image is a close approximation of the real picture. The real picture is purported to cause nightmares, insanity, and death. So, the internet has done its darndest to make an accurate recreation.
The image of a dog with human teeth is obviously disturbing (as the above shots can attest to). Dog-like monsters aren't anything new, and neither is the monster that demands you share it before you die. Despite that, the story is effective, and the creature works. It'd make a good movie, or even a costume.
Now, where can I find a dog that'll hold dentures in its mouth...
4. Mr. Widemouth
Another from the ranks of Creepypasta, Mr. Widemouth is a classic monster. Part Furby, part Peter Pan, all evil. He's a friend to children...you as a child....or your own children, perhaps. Either way, this furry little guy has gained infamy online. Over 4600 readers have rated his tale terrifying...and that number is growing.
Join the ranks, won't you?
3. The Cot Creature
Redditor Tport17 posted this story, a purportedly true one, about a strange creature that attacked her grandmother in 1930. The woman spent the night on her porch in a cot, and awoke to something sitting on the end, watching her.
Says Tport17 "... [my grandmother] said it was really ugly and had a full set of sharp teeth. It was shaped like a person but didn’t look like a person. She said that it just sat there and smiled at her with its abnormally large mouth of sharp teeth. "
The simplicity of the description allows you to paste your own fears on the creature: a great blank slate. But what really gets me is the story's post script:
"...after [Tport17 's grandmother] told her grandmother about it, they all went outside. She could still see the creature, but [her grandmother and two brothers] couldn’t. It laughed and laughed at her, even while [her brothers] were chopping the cot. Then it just disappeared."
If that doesn't sound like the beginning (or end) of a great horror movie, then I misunderstand the genera. I encourage you to read the whole story: it's short but effective. Bet you'll think twice before spending the night outside. After all, it's just a story.
Sweet dreams
2. The Rake
The Rake is...The Rake. A historical boogieman invading modern life. A dog-like, man-like creature that haunts the bedrooms of its victims. There are several amateur horror films based on it already. It's legend is growing.
Hope you sleep deeply, readers.
1. The Bongcheon-Dong Ghost
This story can only be experienced. It's not long. Do not read it at work (no nudity or anything). Good luck.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Santa, Jesus, and Rita Moreno
Saturday was a big day, as I sighted all three of the titular individuals.
Let me back up.
I went to the Michigan Renaissance Festival Saturday where I spotted Santa (at the pub) and Jesus (at the front of the pub-crawl line). That was great all by itself. But then I went to the Redford Theater to see West Side Story. Rita Moreno (Anita) was there, and talked about the production of the movie, her work, and her book.
It was cool.
There were some surprises, for the audience and Mrs. Moreno. A troupe of local dancers performed 'America'. Rita graciously 'forgave' the blond girl who played her during the dance for not being Puerto Rican. The Redford always puts on a good show, and this kind of thing isn't uncommon when they have actors in house. A seat was also dedicated to Mrs. Moreno. She seemed to enjoy the proceedings.
The strangest part of the night was listening to the lyrics of 'America', and 'Officer Krupke' and realizing that in the ___ years since it came out, all of it is still relevant. Racism and inequality are constantly in the news. Juvenile delinquency is very much in force, and the same reasons are still given for it.
I was going to quote the relevant lyrics, but there are so many it's easier just to show you. Go ahead, I'll wait.
See? That wasn't such a chore now was it? (in the words of Dr. Ray Stantz)
I enjoy much of this movie. If the romance were a little less...everything, I'd like it much better. Never cared for Romeo and Juliet, but this is probably my second favorite telling of the tale.
If only we could look on it and see only the past, it would be perfect...
Let me back up.
I went to the Michigan Renaissance Festival Saturday where I spotted Santa (at the pub) and Jesus (at the front of the pub-crawl line). That was great all by itself. But then I went to the Redford Theater to see West Side Story. Rita Moreno (Anita) was there, and talked about the production of the movie, her work, and her book.
It was cool.
There were some surprises, for the audience and Mrs. Moreno. A troupe of local dancers performed 'America'. Rita graciously 'forgave' the blond girl who played her during the dance for not being Puerto Rican. The Redford always puts on a good show, and this kind of thing isn't uncommon when they have actors in house. A seat was also dedicated to Mrs. Moreno. She seemed to enjoy the proceedings.
82. Good Lord.
The strangest part of the night was listening to the lyrics of 'America', and 'Officer Krupke' and realizing that in the ___ years since it came out, all of it is still relevant. Racism and inequality are constantly in the news. Juvenile delinquency is very much in force, and the same reasons are still given for it.
I was going to quote the relevant lyrics, but there are so many it's easier just to show you. Go ahead, I'll wait.
See? That wasn't such a chore now was it? (in the words of Dr. Ray Stantz)
I enjoy much of this movie. If the romance were a little less...everything, I'd like it much better. Never cared for Romeo and Juliet, but this is probably my second favorite telling of the tale.
If only we could look on it and see only the past, it would be perfect...
Monday, October 6, 2014
Five Great Cracked Horror Articles
It's no secret to friends and long time readers that I'm a fan of Cracked. And their horror coverage is...extensive.
I encourage you to read all their horror stuff, but here are some of my favorite pieces to get you started.
A great guide of what not to wear this Halloween season. From offensive stereotypes to sexy things that shouldn't be sexy, to just dumb. All really exist. All have been worn. I've seen some of these. And THAT is terrifying.
These horrors are of the sad, real life variety. Important facts about who really poisons candy (hint: it's not random maniacs) and why you should fear/respect the candy lobby. An important read for anyone even adjacent to the holiday.
For readers of Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z this list holds few surprises. But it's a nice refresher course if you have. And if not, it serves as a good introduction to core concepts and ideas.
Plus cool zombie pictures.
From killer cookies to murderous mangles, this list encapsulates some of the worst monsters ever put on the screen. I've seen some of these for myself, and I agree wholeheartedly with everything on this list.
I also own several of these flicks, if anyone's curious...
Real life horror is scarier than anything Hollywood can dream up. It's a wheres where of where you never want to visit. Tourist beware, you're in for a scare.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Five under appreciated Horror Movies
I’ll try to keep spoilers to a minimum, as I want people to watch these movies. Tis the season, after all…
5. Dolls
Dolls was one of the many, many movies that tried to cash in on the Puppetmaster/Child’s Play phenomenon. Killer dolls, ooh, haven’t seen that before!
Where Dolls differs from say Dolly Dearest or Pinocchio’s Revenge, is that the dolls aren’t really bad guys. They attack people, but only ones who intend harm to the owners of the home/hotel establishment they inhabit. The effects aren’t groundbreaking, but they’re pretty good considering the limitations of the medium at the time. I caught this flick on Netflix a while ago, but it’s not hard to find.
This is not a good movie.
I love A Nightmare on Elm Street. It is by far my favorite horror movie. Robert England gives a masterful performance, often imitated (Dr. Giggles, the 2010 remake, and countless other wise-cracking killers) but never duplicated. Some of the sequels are worthy (the ones involving Wes Craven, typically) and some are gut-busting b flicks.
Freddy’s Revenge falls in the middle. It’s not the worst of the sequels, but it’s down there. This is the only movie (aside from the meta flick Wes Craven’s New Nightmare) to break with basic NOES tradition: the main character is male, and Freddy’s goal is not murdering teens in their dreams, but to possess the lead and live again.
The basic reason this doesn’t work is because without his dream demon powers, Freddy isn’t all that scary. But I can appreciate the filmmakers are trying to do: breaking the slasher formula isn’t
This is just fun.
I saw this movie after watching a Netflix documentary, ‘Doc of the Dead.’ It spoke about how Return was the first zombie movie to try and further the canon set up in George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. As that film’s copyright issues rendered it free to the public, this film was able to call itself a sequel and make direct in-universe references to the events of the 1960s.
The difference is the 1980s attitude. Painfully stereotypical punkers fill in for the usual gang of teenage idiots in these movies, and are dispatched in a satisfying manner. It’s not deep, it’s not even revolutionary: it’s just fun watching advanced for the time) zombies. The effects are pretty good, especially on The Tarman.
Not for the faint of heart. There’s a lot of cussin’ an boobs. Fairly warned be ye, says I.
2. Curse of Chucky
This is the newest entry on the list, having come out just last year. Curse of Chucky is the franchise’s attempt to make Chucky scary again. It does fairly well: it’s a worthier successor to Bride of Chucky than Seed of Chucky by a mile.
Brad Dourif once again gives a capital performance as the doll-encapsulated Charles Lee Ray. The supporting cast is fine to middling, but none of them are bad enough to be distracting. There’s some red herrings and a few under explored themes, but this movie isn’t going to spoon feed you the obvious. It’s an appreciated touch.
The effects are good (that point has been moot since Bride), and the plot tries really hard to tie everything together well. It’s got a lot of effort behind it.
Much like any Nightmare on Elm Street featuring Robert Englund, as long as Brad Dourif is voicing that doll, I’ll give it a look.
This is a forgotten classic. Good effects, great plotline, and emotional depth to many of the characters. You never see the point of view of the grieving family member that raises the unspeakable evil to avenge their loved ones. Here, that guy’s the main character. And the callous teens that killed his (spoiler)? They’re mostly good kids who feel awful about what happened. It’s genuine and all the better for being so.
It has a few sequels, but I haven’t seen any. If they’re half as good as the original they’ll also be worth a look. Frankly, I’m going to dust off this sucker in the next few days and have at it: it’s been far too long since I saw pumpkin-y doom bearing down on hapless teens.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Five awesome 'split' songs
I recently discovered a music editor who takes the same song done by two different artists, mashes them into one glorious track, and splits them in either headphone. The experience is amazing. Break out the headphones (the effect is greatly reduced without them) and prepare to have your mind BLOWN.
5. Some Nights: Left ear Fun, right ear The Vitamin String Quartet
I love this song, I love the quartet.
4. Part of Your World: Left ear Jodie Benson (English) right ear Sugyeong Kim (Korean)
Multi-language aside, both of these women are amazing talents. Still, my least favorite of the overlays as, unlike the others, there is no moment where the two vocal tracks split to concentrate on each artist in turn. Small nitpick
3. Smells Like Teen Spirit: Left ear Nirvana, right ear The Vitamin String Quartet
This is one of my favorite kind of musical adventures: an orchestral version of a pop culture son. It is BADASS.
2. I'll make a man out of you: Left ear Donny Osmund (English singing voice), right ear Jackie Chan (Mandarin singing voice)
Jackie Chan is an opera-trained singer. And it shows. So enjoy this kick-ass mass up. I did.
1. Beauty and the Beast: Left ear Angela Lansbury (English) right ear Lucie Dolène (French).
I wept.
5. Some Nights: Left ear Fun, right ear The Vitamin String Quartet
I love this song, I love the quartet.
4. Part of Your World: Left ear Jodie Benson (English) right ear Sugyeong Kim (Korean)
Multi-language aside, both of these women are amazing talents. Still, my least favorite of the overlays as, unlike the others, there is no moment where the two vocal tracks split to concentrate on each artist in turn. Small nitpick
3. Smells Like Teen Spirit: Left ear Nirvana, right ear The Vitamin String Quartet
This is one of my favorite kind of musical adventures: an orchestral version of a pop culture son. It is BADASS.
2. I'll make a man out of you: Left ear Donny Osmund (English singing voice), right ear Jackie Chan (Mandarin singing voice)
Jackie Chan is an opera-trained singer. And it shows. So enjoy this kick-ass mass up. I did.
1. Beauty and the Beast: Left ear Angela Lansbury (English) right ear Lucie Dolène (French).
I wept.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Five things I miss about LOST
Today is the 10th anniversary of LOST's premier. This was the first successful live-action show that I watched from the very first episode. Up til then the shows I watched from the ground up were one seasons failures (The Lone Gunmen, Greg the Bunny), or I didn't get into until they were monster hits (Third season of House MD, The Simpsons).
121 hours of entertainment. And the top five things I miss. And SPOILERS.
5. The Mystery
Not before or since have I watched a program that was so intricate. There were massive fan theories from the island being on a turtle's back (wrong) to time travel (wrong at first) to it being purgatory (wrong until the last season). Even after the show ended, even after the creators have given interviews and explained a lot, there's still many unanswered issues. But nobody really debates them anymore. The mystery remains, but the passion is gone.
4. The Fear
LOST wasn't primarily a horror show, but there was plenty of scariness. The Others, and their mysterious motives. The smoke monster and its introduction, EATING THE PILOT. Ben Linus. Just Ben Linus. Un-Locke. Insane Claire. Insane every other Benn Gum-type character. Sayid coming back wrong. There's too many moments to choose from. This isn't even half.
3. The Humor
Just as essential to the show as the mystery and the fear was the humor. Remember when Artz exploded? Later, as Hurley so helpfully pointed out to one of his fellow survivors "You've got some Artz on you." and then puked?
Funnier in context. Frankly, most of the jokes are, but that doesn't make them any less funny. Just harder to explain, like all of LOST.
2. The Philosophy Lesson
Season one of lost coincided with my first year at Oakland Community College and my first Philosophy class. A class with a set of philosophers that had identical names and beliefs to characters in the show. John Locke was especially poignant with his theory of tabula rasa (also an episode name!). I probably would have done fine in the class without LOST, but this was a BIG help.
1. The characters
Will Kate end up with Jack or Sawyer? This is one of the few love triangles I ever gave a damn about. And boy, did I give a damn about it (Sawyer deserved better than her, and got it).
Then there was ,y favorite comic relief duo, Charlie and Hurley. Charlie was the whole reason I watched the pilot episode, as Dominic Monaghan was fresh off playing Merry in Lord of the Rings. Hurley I grew to love over time.
There are literally dozens of others that I loved, hated, and couldn't wait to see again, but it would take too much time to recount them all. You were awesome, cast of LOST. I miss you.
121 hours of entertainment. And the top five things I miss. And SPOILERS.
5. The Mystery
Not before or since have I watched a program that was so intricate. There were massive fan theories from the island being on a turtle's back (wrong) to time travel (wrong at first) to it being purgatory (wrong until the last season). Even after the show ended, even after the creators have given interviews and explained a lot, there's still many unanswered issues. But nobody really debates them anymore. The mystery remains, but the passion is gone.
4. The Fear
LOST wasn't primarily a horror show, but there was plenty of scariness. The Others, and their mysterious motives. The smoke monster and its introduction, EATING THE PILOT. Ben Linus. Just Ben Linus. Un-Locke. Insane Claire. Insane every other Benn Gum-type character. Sayid coming back wrong. There's too many moments to choose from. This isn't even half.
3. The Humor
Just as essential to the show as the mystery and the fear was the humor. Remember when Artz exploded? Later, as Hurley so helpfully pointed out to one of his fellow survivors "You've got some Artz on you." and then puked?
Funnier in context. Frankly, most of the jokes are, but that doesn't make them any less funny. Just harder to explain, like all of LOST.
2. The Philosophy Lesson
Season one of lost coincided with my first year at Oakland Community College and my first Philosophy class. A class with a set of philosophers that had identical names and beliefs to characters in the show. John Locke was especially poignant with his theory of tabula rasa (also an episode name!). I probably would have done fine in the class without LOST, but this was a BIG help.
1. The characters
Will Kate end up with Jack or Sawyer? This is one of the few love triangles I ever gave a damn about. And boy, did I give a damn about it (Sawyer deserved better than her, and got it).
Then there was ,y favorite comic relief duo, Charlie and Hurley. Charlie was the whole reason I watched the pilot episode, as Dominic Monaghan was fresh off playing Merry in Lord of the Rings. Hurley I grew to love over time.
There are literally dozens of others that I loved, hated, and couldn't wait to see again, but it would take too much time to recount them all. You were awesome, cast of LOST. I miss you.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Raindrops?
Today is the first day since I started my anti anxiety meds that I didn’t take half a pill before work. I also didn’t take my dose last night, since I felt well. The instructions say ‘as needed’ so I’m not neglecting my doctor’s orders.
I did have a nightmare-esq dream this morning. I guess it was a stress dream, though it didn’t leave me stressed. It was a basic zombie apocalypse. Slow Romero-types, no rotting, just white faces and black circles under the eyes. For the first time in this scenario (Yes, I’ve had that dream many times). I was with my husband. We were leaving my old church, where the outbreak was spreading. We decided to head home and get some supplies, then head north to where it was less populous. My best friend from High School was in town (she currently lives in Iowa), at Great Lakes Crossing. Bahamute and I agreed, we needed to go save her, since a mall is the WORST place to be.
I talked to her on my cell phone, learning she was at the Pita Jungle for lunch when everything happened (it was where the Rainforest Café is now. The Pita Jungle is actually the nearest restaurant to Amy’s Baking Company. So there’s that). As I assured her we were coming, we started downhill on Cass Lake Road by the middle school. The road was a sheer cliff, zombies and redwood sized trees littering the road, but not blocking us. Bahamute and I screamed, but we got through.
Then we were at the mall. Zombies everywhere, shopping, listening to motivational seminars, EVERYTHING! We took an elevator (only two undead shoppers there, eyeing us), and found my friend. We tiptoed through the mall, acting like zombies and trying to get supplies.
I woke then, a little upset, but not stressed. I recently watched ‘Return of the Living Dead’ (hilarious) and ‘Doc of the Dead’ (informative), so Zombies in my sleep is an explainable phenomenon. Waking up without feeling like shit is relatively new. So is being at work unmediated (I’ve been on the drug just over a week today).
Seven hours to go. Will the constrictor attack, or will I make it through my day clear-headed? I have no idea. Wish me luck, future readers!
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This was written the same day I started the incident logs. I will not be skipping meds again. Even a cloudless day can turn into a hellstorm.
God, I feel like a fool.
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This was written the same day I started the incident logs. I will not be skipping meds again. Even a cloudless day can turn into a hellstorm.
God, I feel like a fool.
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