Sunday, July 12, 2015

Fear's got the button

For anyone who hasn't seen it, Inside Out is the latest Pixar movie. It it amazing.

It might be my 2nd favorite computer animated film.
There's no one I would rather be...than me.


It's based on actual science, and explains a lot about how our brains and emotions work in a way graspable to children and adults. One major aspect of the film is showing that Joy is most often as the main character's emotional control board.

Right now, Fear is pushing all my buttons.

Yep, this guy.

Long story short, on Monday I have to call a client and apologize for something that everyone, including my boss, agrees wasn't my fault. We're just trying to placate this person. But the first time I was on the phone with this individual I was cursed at and ended up crying. The anticipation of going through that again has me so agitated that my husband talked me into taking an anxiety pill; something I've avoided since leaving the job that gave me the disorder in the first place.

Dead people were the least stressful part of that job.

I've talked out the issue with my husband, and logically it's not an unsolvable problem. But Fear doesn't care. I just have a constant stream of button pushes as the little guy insists that I'm in danger and I need to be on alert.

He's just trying to keep me safe. But knowing that doesn't make the pushing stop.

Distractions help. I watched a comedy last night that brought Joy back to the center console (the flick starred her voice actress, which helped). I cuddled with my husband which also helped. Then I took a prescription anxiety pill, ate candy,  watched more tv, and cuddled, which did the trick.

Sometimes you've gotta knock a sucka out.

So, today I'm at rehearsal for my next show, heart hammering, trying to sing while terrified of something that hasn't happened and will be less terrible that it is in my mind. I know that.

But Fear doesn't.

Maybe I can watch a scary movie later and foist some of this excess off. I don't want to have to take another pill. But I will if it comes to that.

Whatever makes him stop pushing the button.


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