Stress

I had a weak day. I bought a bunch of new mythology books at a local bookstore. I ate candy and drank pop and watched stupid videos online.

I had a strong day. I went for a long walk with my husband and my brother in law. I planned the weeks meals, mostly healthy. I got fresh fruit. I scrubbed my shower.

I had a weak weekend. I was mopey Saturday, I binged all of season 3 of Bojack Horseman, and I didn't clean the bedroom.

I had a strong weekend. I did a lot of laundry, cleaned off the entertainment center, cleaned up a mess in front of a spare door and saw a friend I hadn't seen for a while.

I had a weak work week. I had a conference about my failings, my plan to not talk to the people who hurt me failed miserably, and I had to take an anxiety pill to halfway cope with the meeting.

I had a strong week. I saw family, friends, I cooked, I snuggled my pup, and I played Pokemon go.

 Now we're at a new week. I'm stressed over a dog my Mom is pet sitting. I'm stressed about a ton of things at work, none of which merit explaining. I'm hot and sleepy and just unhappy.

I'm looking forward to seeing the new Star Trek, and watching Breaking Bad with a friend, and going home to my husband and cat and bed.

(You can see his knee)

Time to count my blessings and soldier on. It's Monday morning. It'll be fine.

Fear's got the button

For anyone who hasn't seen it, Inside Out is the latest Pixar movie. It it amazing.

by HarleyMT

It might be my 2nd favorite computer animated film.

There's no one I would rather be...than me.

It's based on actual science, and explains a lot about how our brains and emotions work in a way graspable to children and adults. One major aspect of the film is showing that Joy is most often as the main character's emotional control board.

Right now, Fear is pushing all my buttons.

Yep, this guy.

Long story short, on Monday I have to call a client and apologize for something that everyone, including my boss, agrees wasn't my fault. We're just trying to placate this person. But the first time I was on the phone with this individual I was cursed at and ended up crying. The anticipation of going through that again has me so agitated that my husband talked me into taking an anxiety pill; something I've avoided since leaving the job that gave me the disorder in the first place.

Dead people were the least stressful part of that job.

I've talked out the issue with my husband, and logically it's not an unsolvable problem. But Fear doesn't care. I just have a constant stream of button pushes as the little guy insists that I'm in danger and I need to be on alert.

He's just trying to keep me safe. But knowing that doesn't make the pushing stop.

Distractions help. I watched a comedy last night that brought Joy back to the center console (the flick starred her voice actress, which helped). I cuddled with my husband which also helped. Then I took a prescription anxiety pill, ate candy,  watched more tv, and cuddled, which did the trick.

by Sashitasuperstar

Sometimes you've gotta knock a sucka out.

So, today I'm at rehearsal for my next show, heart hammering, trying to sing while terrified of something that hasn't happened and will be less terrible that it is in my mind. I know that.

But Fear doesn't.

Maybe I can watch a scary movie later and foist some of this excess off. I don't want to have to take another pill. But I will if it comes to that.

Whatever makes him stop pushing the button.