See Saw

So, after several years, I've gotten back into the Saw franchise, and dragged Bahamute along with me.

The new movie is coming out this month, continuing the grand tradition of an October Saw release. I've seen a lot of the films, and I own all of them in a multi-pack (including the *gasp* mis-named 7th film, The Final Chapter). But I just never finished watching them.

The first movie was written and directed by my favorite 2000-teens movie team, James Wan and Leigh Whannell. You may remember their other successes, like Insidious, The Conjuring, Lights Out, and...AQUAMAN?!

I promise, I was just as shocked as you are.

So...Back to the Gorn.

Saw, for anyone who might not have seen it SPOILERS was originally hailed for it's well-executed twists, including a massive red hearring in the form of Michael Emerson's Zep. Zep is presented as the villain for the entirety of the film, only for Tobin Bell to stop impersonating a dead body at the last second. SAFE. It was a twist of 6th Sense proportions, in that nobody knew there was going to be a twist beforehand.

The performance by Cary Elwes is fantastic, the gore is mostly implied, and the script itself is thought provoking and chilling. As for how they got seven more movies (including the misnamed penultimate final chapter) I'm not sure. I plan on watching the rest of them, since I own them anyway. So stay tuned for that.

Also, am I the only one who sees some design similarities between the Billy puppet and the Red-Faced Demon in Insidious?

I get it, same director, etc, but the cut of the face, especially the nose and the hairstyle...I dunno.

Back to Saw proper: it's not my favorite James Wan film (that's Insidious), but it's a solid horror movie. A 7/10 and a great Halloween watch.

Now, onto the many many many sequels...

The IT Spot: Movie review (spoilers)

The TL: DR is that I'm pleased.

First, some non-spoiler bullet points:

• The child actors are all great, and they left in the casual cursing. 
• The changes all make sense, even if I didn't love all of them.
• I have a few questions about how this is going to work in setting up the sequel, but I'm eager to find out, as opposed to dismal.
• I was freaked out at a few moments, but not really 'scared' as I knew the story by heart.

Now, let's get down to some spoilers. Including some images!

 The basic plot of kids finding each other then fighting it is there, but of course condensed. Gone are the smoke hole and Chud (though the directed wanted them in, apparently). The bonding scenes with Mike are cut waaaaaay back, which does his character a disservice. He feels tacked on, something no member of the losers should be. But that's my only big complaint.

Yeah, yeah. The few scenes he did have were well done, and even with the changes (his parents are dead, and he saw them burn to dead as opposed to the strong relationship they had in the novel) he still feels like Mike.

Pennywise is good. Not Curry, but he's not trying to be. The effects are good, with a heady mix of practical and CGI: just the way I like my horror stories. The actor is clearly trying, and the scene with Georgie is good.

Even knowing the book as I do, there were surprises. For example, Pennywise doesn't just take Georgie's arm, he drags the whole kid into the sewers.

Bill, certain he washed up in the Barrens (and also painfully certain Georgie survived when everyone else knows the truth) now takes his friends down there to look for him as opposed to just playig and hiding from bullies. Brr. That's a change I find appropriate.

The forms Pennywise takes are all updated, but there are plenty of homages to things he appeared as in the book. I especially enjoyed the leper, even without the setup of offering to blow Eddie (which was probably not needed). The effects were properly horrifying.

The painting lady that was after Stan looked...okay, but not great.

This was not Henry with a gun, as I erroneously posted previously. This is Patrick with a can of hairspray and a lighter, screaming as dead kids come at him and kill him. While Patrick was dialed wwwwaaaaaay back from his psychotic book self, there are hints. He sets off some fireballs while stating they'll light Ben up "Like Michael Jackson." Nice touch.

 There were a lot of elements that went from  0-60, since they were condensing so much. Mike's friendship is a bit forced. Bev's dad is never shown as the loving father Bev remembered him as prior to her puberty (erroneously remembered, but still). Like the mini-series, Bev's mother seems to be dead. Henry just starts carving Ben up, no classroom hijinks necessary. Butch Bowers fires a gun at his son's feet, and that's the only interaction we see before Henry kills him.

The condensing mostly made sense, and unlike the mini-series they only jammed in a single montage, not multiple ones.

The tone of the film is obviously very nostalgic for the 80s, as the original novel was for the 50s. There's a feel of Stranger Things, especially with Finn Wolfheard as Ritchie (my fav loser).

The reason behind this is simple: The Duffer brothers wanted to direct IT, and were turned down, so they created stranger things which drew from IT, and now IT is drawing from that. It's awesome.

With both The Turtle and the ritual of the Chud cut, the ending is of course different. Bev is kidnapped by it (replacing the bully impetus for the journey into the sewers) and the boys follow. What ensues is them just beating the hell out of IT, declaring they're not afraid, and robbing IT of IT's power. Perhaps a but cruder than the book, but following the same idea. And it is gratifying to see the losers just wail on Pennywise.

The feel of the novel is here.  I felt more sad than scared watching the losers, knowing what would happen (even if it wasn't beat by beat) and what they would become. Watching Stan leave the circle first, knowing about his end, was heartbreaking. I hope the adult actors will have the same respect and skill for this.

And if not, at least we have this.

I'll have to wait for a re-watch and DVD ownership to dissect everything point by point, but the main points are the same: the changes were mostly good, and made sense in the context of changed medias. I'm concerned for the second film, but only time will tell how they'll handle things.

Oh, and yes, Tim Curry approved of the new Pennywise. Score!

Pumpkinhead 2: Bloody Hell

Pumpkinhead 2: Bloodwings is an awful film. This isn't news, the movie came out over twenty years ago. But the badness of this film goes beyond unlikable characters (which it has), and a boring plot (another get for this film).

 You look like a mogwai.

The main plot centers on Officer Dad-From-Hellraiser trying to solve a set of murders in a sleepy little town, and a murder that happened in the fifties that are somehow interconnected.  SPOILER: the people getting killed by the title character committed the murder in the fifties. Also, some kids pushed/murdered an old lady and dug up the demon in her backyard and the demon is after them as well.

Yet, with every stupid thing I just mentioned, it pales in comparison to the film's ultimate sin; SHODDY POLICEWORK!

It makes Wiggum look competent.

I'm no cop, but I do know they can't share details of an ongoing investigation with their family. Especially crime scene photos!

Autopsy reports take more than a few hours to come back. One strange blood sample won't have the chief of police and the head medical examiner jump to demons committing murder. It takes me right out of the movie.

Don't get me wrong, the movie is a 'so bad it's funny' affair. But only just. I'm very happy it was part of a collection with three much better movies: Wishmaster, Wishmaster 2, and Leprechaun. That's right, LEPERCHAUN is better than PH2!

PH2 is better than Leprechaun Origins, however.

This is the closest I've come to regretting a purchase since Cabin Fever. I give this movie half a pumpkin out of a whole head. Skip it, unless you're a big Soleil Moon Frye fan.

I have a bad fin

I saw Finding Dory last night. I also got the worst calf cramp ever, and my usual 'point my toes upward' thing didn't help. I accidentally woke hubby with my pain noises.

So today I'm walking with a limp.

Remember the little flappy motion Nemo does when he swims? That would be dignified next to my klumping gait. But it's a temporary thing. I'm hydrating, and later I'll try and massage the area. I'm just here to complain.

On a pleasanter topic, Finding Dory was a fun movie, and a great step up from the cry-fest that was The Good Dinosaur. I only cried a little!

Screw you, Arlo.

I also saw The Nice Guys, a sadly overlooked Shane Black romp. It's got sex, drugs, action, humor, bees, and Keith David. What more could you need?

Awww yeah.

Now, off to 8.5 hours of limping and yelling.

Horray for minimal effort!

So, I saw Out of the Shadows last night.

But wait, there's more!

Let's get the good stuff out of the way, and yes, there will be spoilers. It was a significant improvement over the last movie. Bebop and Rocksteady were fun. Krang was fun. There was a lot less Megan O'Neil and a lot more Turtles. It was fun.

HOWEVER.

The plot was indescribably dumb. Once again, we have the turtles failing to mesh as a team. Haven't seen that before, except in every Turtle movie aside from #3. Not that there weren't other issues there. That is still the worst film.

While they fail to mesh, Shredder escapes jail (while being guarded by Casey Jones), only to meet Krang and agree to help the alien warlord take over earth, with almost no explanation or urging.

A return to classic dumb Shredder form.

After that, it's a misma of confusion and puns. Donatello's computer tells the turtles everything they'd ever need to know about Krang, Shredder, Bebop, Rocksteady, and everything else that comes their way. Never is there any questioning, or explanations. It's got plenty of fanservice, though, so original fans will get minimal enjoyment.

Quick sum up: Vern has taken credit for capturing Shredder in the last film, AKA bringing down a huge building in the middle of NYC. The turtles are mad that he's not sharing credit, even though Leo points out that he can't. April finds out uber-scientist Madea is working with Shredder. Shredder escapes from prison, meets Krang, immediately is like, 'yeah bruh, we'll take over the world, just help me destroy those blasted turtles.' Mikey wants to go outside, everyone else points out that they're basically monsters. Shredder turns Bebop and Rocksteady into mutants, and they're TOTALLY COOL with it. They LOVE it. Then it's a race across the globe to collect all the pieces of the yadda blah to bring the Technodrome here.

Yes, it's cool.

Shredder betrays Madea. April does nothing. Casey is there, does minimal sport-related stuff. Then Leo leans to use his brothers unique points of view, they save the world, and Krang betrays Shredder. The police give the turtles keys to the city in front of the Statue of liberty. Oh, and they all decide it's fine being turtles for no reason, after whining about it most of the film.

It's not good. But it's an improvement. At this rate we'll get a good turtles movie in 3 more films or so.

What's the deal with Candyman?

Candyman is a classic horror movie that doesn’t get a lot of chatter. It involves so many classic elements of horror: love, lust, murder, revenge, and bees. Lots of bees.

There will be spoilers ahead, so watch out!

Candyman follows the story of grad student Helen Lyle investigating the Candyman legend: essentially Bloody Mary if she was a black man with a hook hand who was murdered for loving a white woman. This is treated far more seriously than most ‘let’s raise a ghost’ type premise.

She’s trying to get at the social roots that create such a myth by talking to people who have a 'friend of a friend' who's been attacked by Candyman. It’s a great premise for her paper in her Urban Folklore class (and yes, Urban Folkloreologists are a real thing).

Also, Ted Rami is in it for about five seconds.

Unfortunatly, Candyman is real, and he’s angry. What’s more, he’s convinced she’s the reincarnation of the white woman he fell in love with and died for. And he wants her back. Let’s see Sammy Davis Jr. make a delightful song out of that.

Man is murdered and seeks revenge via the supernatural: Haven’t seen that before! Except in Ghost, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser, Friday the 13th 2-10, all six Child’s Play movies, Puppetmaster, Killjoy , and 3 of Creepshow’s 5 segments just off the top of my head.  And this movie, like Hellraiser, was penned by Cliver Barker.

Inventor of this.

Helen's study leads her to Cabrini Green, a project building the Candyman supposedly killed a woman in. A woman actually died, so unlike most urban legends, it has a tie to a real tragedy. This discovery sets Helen on her inevitable crash course with Candyman. For bonus points, she says 'Candyman' into her mirror at home five times after drinks with her writing partner who will inevitably end up murdered.

After visiting the Cabrini Green and seeing the murder scene, Helen hears the 'academic' position on Candyman from a cartoonishy-snooty professor. Candyman was actually the son of a former slave turned millionaire who was raised in 'polite society'. He was a portirait painter who fell in love with/impregnated a wealthy white woman. The woman's father paid men to mutilate and kill him at *GASP* Cabrini Green! After taking off his hand with a rusty blade, they smeared him with honey from the local apiary (like ya have). He was stung to death, then burned, and his ashes scattered all over the Green.

Also, he has a sweet pimp coat.

She goes back, nearly gets killed by a guy calling himself Candyman, and the thug gets put in jail. Happy ending, except it's 45 minutes in adn we still haven't seen Tony Todd, the actor pictured above.

When he does show up, it's not a shadowed glance in a dark bathroom mirror: it's full daylight in the University parking garage. Very usual for this type of movie, and sorely appreciated. Barker knows what he's doing.

Instead of killing Helen, she is put to sleep. When she wakes, she has been draped in Candyman's coat, transported to Cabrini Green, covered in blood from a butchered dog...and probably a missing baby. She's arrested, covered in blood. Another unusual departure for this type of movie (unless it's a twist at the end where there was no killer, just a split personality all along!).

Candyman then stalks her, chanting 'By my victim.' It echos Freddy Krueger: he needs belief to exist. He tells her if she doesn't die, he'll kill the missing baby in her place. He wants her to become the next part of his story. "Come with me and be immortal." Then, as predicted, her writing partner arrives, is murdered by Candyman, and she is framed.

What follows is a full-blown descent into madness. Is Helen crazy? Is Candyman a figment of her imagination? Are her visions merely a coping mechanism?

Guess you'll need to watch to find out.

Five Cool Netflix Documentaries

Wanna learn something? Put these in your queue (or bogart a friend's Netflix).

5. Nightmares in Red, White and Blue: The Evolution of the Horror Film

     I didn't forget the Oxford comma, the filmmakers did. That's my sole complaint about this documentary. It's comprehensive, funny, and touches on a LOT of classics. A good overview of the genera and how it changed over history. I'm gonna re watch it as soon as I get half a minute of free time...


4. Best Worst Movie

     Some of you may already be familiar with the subject of this documentary, Troll 2. It's about Goblins, and it's not a sequel. This thing fails before it gets out of the gate. But what works is this documentary made by the kid who starred, mostly about the man who played his dad.

     George Hardy is a dentist, and apparently the nicest man in the world.Mr. Rogers levels of nice, people. Even his ex-wife couldn't find a bad thing to say about him. Then he stumbled into a cattle call for Troll 2, and history was made.
     This isn't just about Mr. Hardy: it's about the fandom that has sprung up around Troll 2. The conventions, the movie nights, the utter obsession: this stuff makes me look normal. Or at least at the top of a bell curve. Take a look!

3. Cropsey

     As an Amature Urban Folklorist (aka, I read a lot of Dr. Jan Harold Brunvand's work), this documentary about a legendary killer lurking in an abandoned asylum caught my attention. What held it was the in-depth look at the media and the court of public justice regarding the actual murders in the area, and the man convicted of them. Was he a modern Cropsey? Was he an innocent scapegoat? Watch and see what you think.

2. Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy

     Why another horror documentary after Nightmares in Red, White and Blue? Because this one is about my favorite scary movie, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and the resultant franchise. Plus, it's FOUR HOURS LONG. There's over 100 interviews with key players like Robert Englund, Bob Shaye, Heather Langencamp, Wes Craven, and basically everyone who was anyone to the franchise.

Except this nameless loser.

     This is THE definitive horror documentary, folks. Granted, I'm only up to Nightmare on Elm Street Five: The Dream Child, and have an hour and a half to go. I'm planning on buying the 2 disk DVD set, which has EVEN MORE STUFF. So excited.

1. Blackfish

     Like Sea World? Like Free Willy? Like smiling young people in swimsuits? Yeah, you're gonna be sad after watching this. But you need to be sad. Short version? Killer Whales are called that for a reason. But here's the twist: a whale has NEVER been known to kill a human in the wild. JUST in captivity.
     It's a harsh look into Sea World, and places like it. This has graphic and very disturbing imagery. Blood is shed, and not all of it's human. People break down in this. I urge you, if you only watch one documentary on this list, MAKE IT THIS ONE. No joke, folks. None at all.

A Green Christmas for me?

Or rather, a green post Christmas, perhaps. I have a possible job starting in January with a local school district, and an interview being set up with a local irrigation company in a week or so! I'm very excited about the 2nd one, as they reached out to me, and the location is closer. Here's hoping!

All I really want for Christmas is a new job. And this stylish piggy bank!

In other news, SAVING MR. BANKS is AMAZING.

I went with Bahamute and another friend. Bahamute and I cried. A lot. But it was good crying. He just sat there muttering 'Stupid Tom Hanks.' I said 'It's fine to cry if it's Tom Hanks. It's like how it's not gay if you're attracted to a 10 of your own sex. They're just so good, you can't help it.'

He didn't think that was as funny as I did.

Other than that, it's been pretty quiet around here. Today is gonna be a real house-wifey day: cooking and cleaning. Baking for Christmas, really. I have a super Jam-Thumbprint cookie recipe that I may share with you all in the near future.

Not much else to report. I'll have to do something more interesting today than a Narnia movie marathon.

Psst. Special kudos if you're here from my Tumblr: over 100 followers! :D

The Desolation of Smauglock NO SPOILERS

You know what's not easy? Being  Sherlock fan. Not only is the show utterly heartbreaking, it takes literal YEARS between series, due to how the BBC operates. Here's a handy list of things that have happened before Sherlock Series Three came out:


N'Sync came back.

Agent Coulson came back.

The U.S Government shut down AND came back. 

Harry Potter came back.

Moriarty came out. 

So yeah, it's been an eventful few years in between series, and the fans are getting impatient. I only saw the series about a year ago, but for a viewer used to 3 months at most between seasons, it's hard.

Then there's The Hobbit.

 Not only does it star Martin Freeman as  Bilbo Baggins, AKA Dr. John Watson, Arthur Dent, Oliver Chamberlain, Tim Canterbury, Declan,  and many others, but Benedict Cumberbatch, AKA Very Silly Name Sherlock is Smaug!

"Beachbody Compasstrap!"Also, try the name generator! I got "Butawhiteboy Cantbekhan"

And in Desolation, these two get to talk to each other for a WHILE. Seeing as the book is 75 years old, and most fans have read it, this has led to a rather interesting phenomenon. A phenomenon called SMAUGLOCK. Smashing Sherlock and The Hobbit together has created some rather intresting stuff...

There's less savory NSFW stuff too, but that's true of LITERALLY EVERYTHING on the internet. For the most part, you've got a lot of dragons whining about mysteries and wearing purple scarves. No harm done, right?

Well, the problem is, John and Sherlock are friends, and Bilbo and Smaug are not. Duh. But for fans of both, Desolation is the first time in literally years when their favorite actors are back on screen together. And some are having a wee bit of a hard time processing the fact that not only is Smaug a straight up villain with no redeeming qualities, HE GONNA DIE!

Seen here in this strangely leaked footage.

There's a LOT of talk about how 'sad' it is, and how they're 'rooting for 'Smaug'. The only sad part for me is that the fans can't separate two great actors who just HAPPEN to be working together again without making it mash with another fandom. I'm glad the filmmakers didn't put in any little nods or winks: the word 'Deduction' is NOT mentioned by either party during Smaug and Bilbo's meeting. It's exactly as it should be. AWESOME.

It's not wrong to enjoy Smauglock silliness (if it is, I don't want to be right). But don't let fanon get in the way of someone telling a story properly. Take both for what they are: amazing works with the same actors. Nothing more, nothing less.

The Fly vs. Puppetmaster 5

No sooner do I finish watching 1986 masterpiece The Fly do I pop Puppetmaster 5 the Final Chapter (yes another grievous misnaming)  into my DVD player. From the top dog to the bottom of the heap in one fell swoop: possilby the greatest Sci-Fi remake of all time and one of the worst direct-to-video crapfests ever put on celluloid.

It's...it's...

Hmm.

Sorry for the pause, Pinhead and Jester were killing a henchman with a meat cleaver.

My love of bad horror movies is almost as great as my love of good ones. Troll 2 stands on my self next to the original Nightmare on Elm street (as well as all the sequels. And ONLY the sequels, not this piece of shit) Poltergeist and Poltergeist 3 both give me screams, some of terror, some of laughter. And frankly, Poltergeist 2 is a bit underrated. I'll riff bad flix and sit in quiet reverence for the good ones.

It's not isolated to just me. Mystery Science Theater 3000  wouldn't exist if it was. Evil Bong 2 is a self-aware tribute to the bad movie altar (and worth a look. And you actually kind of have to see Evil Bong to follow along).

What is it about so bad they're good movies that draw so many of us in? Yes, some are intentional (just look at Full Moon studios or Asylum Pictures) but many are completely accidental: those are often the best. The humor is always funnier when it's done with a straight face.

So, does that mean every bad movie is a comedy gold mine? No, sadly not. Some are simply bad. But there are enough funny little messes in the bargain bins of Target and the one-stars on Net-flicks to keep me in stitches until the next Insidious-level horror film comes along.

To the girl sitting next to me at Insidious Two

So I attended a showing of Insidious 2 with my future brother in law Grizz last night. We went to a 6:40 show since Grizz had to be up at 6:00 for work at a place that rhymes with Lowgers.

That was our mistake.

What we failed to realize is that a 6:40 showing for a PG-13 flick is going to be PACKED with teenage girls. Now, when I was a teenage girl, I never screamed at a horror movie. Frankly, I’ve never screamed at a movie. Jerked, sure. Clutched Bahamute’s arm, maybe. But screamed? Nope.

The usher was walking the aisles regularly, so talking was kept at a minimum, as was cellphone use. Not completely gone, mind you, but tolerable.

Then, the girl next to me (no older than 14 surely) started talking to me.

“Oh my God, it’s so scary!”

I raised one hand. “It’s fine.”

“But they’re gonna dieeeeeee!” She trembled, blond hair jittering.

“It’s fine. It’s a movie.”

The next thing I knew, her head was in my lap.

I looked across to Grizz.  “I don’t--how do I--what do I--Nothing in life has prepped me to deal with this situation!”

Grizz just grinned. Eventually, the girl left the safety of my lap. The screaming continued unabated.

I turned back to Grizz. “Can I dissociate myself from the gender right now?”

But it’s not a gender thing. Plenty of boys were hollering during the jump scares (which sadly, are ramped up from Insidious One’s total of one to about a dozen. Forgivable, but noticeable).  

I have to assume it’s a maturity thing. Even when I was thirteen I never squealed at scary movies. I might clap my hands over my mouth, but I never once screamed out, even if I was terrified. I was too conscious of breaking the mood and drawing attention to myself.

But even in my day, there were plenty of girls who were squealers. And I guess there always will be.

The Star Trek Into Darkness Midnight Express

Since I was as the midnight release last night, I understand that virtually NOBODY will have seen the movie yet. As such, I 'll post a mini-review of the midnight experience for now, and a more spoileriffic one later.

After grabbing a quick bite and some snacks from the local Kroger, Bahamute and our friend Millie headed to the MJR Theater. We were there by 10:50 for the 12:05 showing. So, we picked our seats (middle of the last row), and waited. And waited. And nattered. And waited. And it was fun, as it always it.

Hooray meatspace interaction!

To my disappointment, the theater didn't have many patrons. Maybe it was because a 3D showing was playing at 12:01. Maybe it was because the release had moved to Wednesday night for unknown reasons. But there were only about 20 people, making it a strangely intimate experience.

Another small annoyance was the trailers: there were only three, and only one was new. Granted the new one was a Hangover Expy starring Robert Di Niro, Kevin Kline, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Douglas. Totally awesome!

So, how was this in comparison with the Iron Man 3 midnight showing? QUIETER. But no less epic. In fact, I liked STID more than Iron Man 3. Ahh, that felt good.

Now I'm off to sleepwalk my way through my shift. Totally worth it. Wish me luck.