Five Things that piss me off about ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’ Franchise

I’m a big fan of The Chronicles of Narnia, be it the amazing books by C.S. Lewis, the BBC movies, or the modern movies. Each has something to offer, and its high points. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues with the franchise.

5. So, they’re kids with the minds of adults?

    For those of you who have only seen the newer Prince Caspian movie, you won’t even know this is a problem. But until that movie, the fact that the four Pevensive children grew into adults and ruled a country, only to be thrust back into mundane childhood, was never really addressed.

Like this, but they were Kings and Queens, not the star of a crappy sitcom.

    C.S. Lewis had them take it in stride, along with everyone they ever knew from their reign (except Aslan) being dead. It’s just a fact that’s noted, but not addressed. Frankly, the new movie having some angst over it was pretty appropriate. But for the many years we only had the original books and BBC movies, this was a pain in the ass.

4. Change for change’s sake in the new movies.

    The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe added a LOT of material to the movie. Some is good (Tumnus and Edmund in the witch’s ice-dungeon was especially nice), but much of it was unnecessary. Like the chase over the ice-floes. Ugh.

At least unnecessary car chases are fast.

    The movies got better with this as time went by, or perhaps I just got used to it. A quest for magic swords when you’re already questing for lost lords? Sure, why not. The magic nightmare island is taking sacrifices and kind of the White Witch? Who gives a crap. Just give me Aslan ripping of Eustace’s scales and I’m with you.

3. Not changing enough in the BBC version.

    The BBC Chronicles of Narnia series is...special. It’s a near word-for-word telling of the story. Sadly, what works so well in the books comes across a little dull. A lottle dull. Mostly dull. Frankly, the series only picks up when Eustace, easily the best child actor, comes in.

We can't all be as appealing as  these snappy bastards.

    The best of these is ‘The Silver Chair’, which is the most like a traditional quest movie of the original books. This one needed little change. But trimming a bit in the first two movies would been nice.

2. The racism.

    So, Narnia isn’t the name of the whole world. It’s just one country among many. And the main antagonish country is Carmalorn: a very thin expy of the middle east. Everyone is brown, wears turbans, smells of garlic, carries scimitars, and are, with the exception of one girl and one boy, evil slavers.

    C.S. Lewis’s racism is casual and understandable for the time he lived in. That doesn’t make it okay, and it’s pretty distracting. Especially when the evil vulture-headed god Tash (Aslan’s opposite) shows up, smelling like garbage and eating his followers. 

Yeah. Not okay.

1. The Nightmare Fuel

    Imagine how horrible you’d feel if you were told you’d eaten a baby. That is the literal feeling one character has after find out they’ve eaten a talking stag. Just one of the many moments, implied or realized, of sheer terror. Here’s a small checklist of things in the books:

• Slavery.

• Being turned to stone, then smashed or frozen forever.

• Violent sacrifice.

• The fact that literally every human character in Narnia in the last book died in a violent railway crash, leaving Susan alone.

Enjoy your fairytale, kids.

Shorty: Christmas in April

Snow. And Ice. In April.

Dontcha love living in Michigan?!

I got married a month ago today. It was warm, and no snow. Or at least very little snow. So here I sit, gazing into the spring-inter wonderland, knowing how the rest of the night will go. I'll get my pant legs wet and shiver at my friend's place while we watch Jim Henson's Creature Shop.

At least it didn't happen late enough in the year to kill the apples off, like before...

Stay toasty, my friends.

Five reasons I love practical effects

5. 

                                  

Gremlins is one of my all time favorite horror movies. It combines classic B movie horror with amazing effects. Just look at that!

4.

No CGI here, folks. Just awesome, awesome, AWESOME effects. The sound? A leather wallet being bent. Ahh, The Exorcist. Still epic.

3.

Jurassic Park. Have fun telling where the puppetry stops and the CGI begins. These were MASSIVE effects, and at over 20 years old, still look fantastic.

2.

Yes it's a remake. I don't care. John Carpenter's The Thing blew the original out of the arctic.

1.

An American Werewolf in London was the first movie nominated for effects. You can see why.

Flash Back: Family Matters was INSANE

This show started out so simply. A spin off of Perfect Strangers about Harriett and Carl Winslow. That was it.

Then Urkle showed up, and the rest is history.

It went from a normal, if slightly dull show about a family living in Chicago to an off-the-wall sci-fi comedy. There were robot episodes

Bruce Lee clone episodes

Crossovers

A shrinking episode

SEVERAL time travel episodes

TWO evil ventriloquist dummy episodes

And, of course, the 90's answer to Jekyll and Hyde, Stefan Urquelle.

This isn't everything, mind you. But that would be a much longer list. I just wanted to remind you that this was a real thing that existed.

Five Things that Piss me off about The Wizard of Oz franchise

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite movie. I own the L. Frank Baum books, I love Tin Man, Wicked, The Wiz, and even Return to Oz. So, what do I absolutly LOATHE about Oz?

5. Over 40+ books in the official cannon.

This is a case of archive panic. I haven’t even finished the Baum books, and there’s nearly thirty more in the official Oz cannon. Not to mention the literal HUNDREDS of unauthorized books. I will probably never be able to read them all. And it makes me sad. And by sad, I also mean just a bit angry.

4. Dorothy and the Witches of Oz.

Billy Boyd, what the hell? You were so good as Pippin, and now it’s all crap. ‘Seed of Chucky’ has been the high point of your post LOTR career. What happened?

This movie makes me so mad, I care barely even talk about it. But here’s a few of the worst things, just to give you an idea:

• Nick Chopper ISN’T the tinman. The tinman is a random robot that is never explained.
• The evil witch is a publisher, and could have killed Dorothy at any time.
• The effects are atrocious. Just in general.
• “I’m the scarecrow? I always knew I was different...I just thought I might be gay.”
• The fact that the idea of the Oz characters coming to our world and losing their memories could have been AMAZING.

3. Re-releases.

I own the 70th anniversary edition of The Wizard of Oz. It’s fantastic, packed with features, silent films, and memoriobilia.

Then the 75th anniversary edition came out. I can’t even tell what’s different, but it says there’s a new documentary. ‘What if there’s something you don’t know about Oz? What if it’s really new?’ The little voice niggles. ‘Just buuuuuuuy ittttt...’

And in a few more years we’ll get 80, 85, 90, 95, and 100. GAWWWWWWD.

2. ‘Sexy’ Wizard of Oz costumes.

Okay, this isn’t just an Oz problem, but it pisses me off a lot. No explanations, just look at these pictures of real, actual costumes FOR SALE. Why not a sexy Smurf?

Oh God, I take it back! I TAKE IT BACK!

1. There is an anus joke in a Wizard of Oz movie(trailer).

Please, play in the Oz sandbox. We’ve had wonderful things happen when people do. But this….just no. No for so very many reasons. The lazy animation style. The trendy adult jokes. The alluring cast that makes me want to see it in spite of how obviously awful it is. Just fuck off, people who made this.

Five things nobody tells you about acting.

5. Good local theater exists.

I’m in several community theaters, and at least 75 of my nearly 100 shows have been good. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of crappy theater, local and professional. Sometimes it’s a bad cast, sometimes the show itself is faulty. But most theaters are good. A community theater will implode on itself if they can’t get butts in seats, so you’ll usually be safe.

Shameless plug is shameless. Yes, that is me as Morticia.

4. You will do shit and not even know.

I was in a small (indie) film a few years ago. Elder Growth. The best thing I can say about it is I tried hard. Three people, found footage, evil trees, and some of the most pretentious writing of all time.

But at the time, I thought it wasn’t bad. I knew it wasn’t shakespeare, but it wasn’t that bad. Then I watched it a month ago. It’s baaaaad. See it here, if you’re interested.

3. What goes around stays around.

Fiddler on the Roof. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The Producers. The Wizard of Oz. Even people who have never seen a show will know at least a couple of these from the movie versions.

What you don’t know is that local theaters LOVE these shows. Why? They’re big names, and guarenteed to get butts in seats. Most of them have large kid choruses, which means grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everybody coming to see lil’ Suzie on stage.

I know people who are sick of these shows, they’ve done them so much. I like all of ‘em, but I’ve only done these at the most twice. I’ve played my favorite parts already in Joseph and Fiddler. Looks like it’s all downhill from here!

2. People get hurt.

You all know the stories of Hollywood stars dying because of a role (or at least the urban legends). What you don’t hear about is the small things. For instance: guess which one of these things happened to me on stage, during a show:

A. Thumb in the eye during a musical number.

B. Falling on my foot and breaking it.

C. Getting burned by embers from an explosion.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a little.

That’s right, ALL OF THEM. The burnination was just last Sunday. To be fair, the explosion was a planned effect, but it still hurt. I’ve had people burned on dry ice, fall and break their noses, fall down stairs, faint in the light booth, and a dozen other things. Theater is HARD CORE.

I’m not saying it’s a vast wasteland of injured and dying actors.

All I’m saying is that accidents can and do happen. But the show must go on. Even if you’re blind in one eye and limping. Ow.

1. There’s a LOT of illegality.

It’s common practice to tape a night or two of a show and sell it to cast members so they can have a keepsake. It’s also incredibly illegal. But most rights companies look the other way, as long as you don’t sell to the public. It’s not worth their time to come after literally EVERY theater in existence.

What about plagiarized shows? It does happen. I was in a production of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory YEARS before the rights were issued. How? They literally took the script from the movie, and tossed in a few lines from the book. Voila. It was Standing Room Only. I still have no idea how we got away with it.

Five things nobody tells you about working at a funeral home

A few months ago, I landed my current job at a local funeral home. I'm an office manager, not somebody who touches the dead people. That is the first question I get after the 'eww' reaction. Here are a few things I've learned working here.

5. Dead people liven things up.

     I work in a small funeral home owned and operated by a larger corporation. No big deal. Most funeral homes aren't Mom and Pop organizations, what with the heavy regulations and fierce competition. But since my location is smaller and not as fancy, we don't get as many funerals. Consequently, things are dead in here. Figuratively. 

At least two days a week, I never see another employee. And most days, people just stop by to grab something real quick and head out again. I have to record everything I do on a log to prove that I'm actually working, since most of my forerunners just goofed off.

Funerals make all the difference.There's extra cleaning, chairs to be dragged out, and families to deal with. It's a lot like a out of town visit when you're a kid: new food comes in, you have to look your best, and crawl out of your bedroom in order to greet people.

4. We're not all dour undertakers.

No, not even close.

     

     One of the Funeral Directors (the guys in suits who take you money and empty dead people's fluids, among other things) I work with is in his mid twenties. This guy is constantly grinning and joking around. And he's not alone. We don't make jokes about the bodies, or play Weekend at Bernies, but it's not by any means all business all the time. 

One example: once my HR manager and said director spent a few hours figuring out their employees 'catchphrases.' Mine was 'I gotcha'.

Could be worse.

3. There is so much freaking paperwork.

     "But Rebecca" you say (because most of you don't know my real name, and I'm not dumb enough to attach it to this), "of COURSE there's paperwork. The government and doctors need to make sure everybody's dead, otherwise we get an Edgar Allen Poe sequel."

True, a lot of the paperwork is about making sure the decedent is who we think, they're where we think, and that all permits and regulations are followed. What you don't think about is the massive amounts of printing, billing, checklists, more checklists, and enough mail to choke a horse. I filled a notepad just dealing with the paperwork aspects. Never mind customer service: they assumed I could do that, no problem. But filing an order for a casket? We spent a DAY on that, and I'm still not fully trained.

2. Dead people can be anywhere.

     The office supply room is in the basement. The casket display is also in the basement. So is the embalming room. On two separate occasions I've gone for post-its and been faced with an un-embalmed body in the office supply area. Both times I fled back upstairs, totally freaked. It's not against regulations, unsanitary, unsafe, or a violation of the decedent in any way.

It's just creepy as fuck.

I've stumbled across embalming photos on computers, people with plastic wrap on their faces waiting for the makeup and hair lady (an amazing woman who was a funeral director in the sixties when women were just barely getting past the MRS. degree), and a host of other freaky things. Once they're casketed and on display, my issues fade. But that doesn't hold a candle to the last surprise.

1. Haunting are no big deal.

Booo or whatever.

     At least, to me. I hear phantom footsteps and voices all day when I'm alone. I figured it was my imagination, until another director heard them too. We went down to investigate, and nobody was there. 

The weirdest thing that's happened is one day, I kept getting urges to check the window, when I'd either just checked, or wasn't due for a while. Each time I saw a delivery van, or my boss coming in. I was able to greet them and looked like a model employee. 

"So what?" You ask. So a little later I was downstairs after hearing another voice. Three feet in front of me, I heard a distinctly male voice say "Muuuuhhhh."

It ain't Shakespeare, but who am I to judge? I went to the door, and yep, a delivery AND my boss. 

The ghost seems to be the former owner of this place, who lived here when it was a house. He stays downstairs, make little noise (I've been tricked down a few times when nobody's there), and seems benign to benevolent. Hell, I have worse living neighbors.

The rest of the staff is disturbed by my encounters, so I've learned to keep mum unless asked directly. As for me, the bodies freak me out much more than a ghost. Ghosts I deal with pretty well.

But that's another story.

Five books/book series that deserve a fandom

Five wonderful worlds that deserve the fandoms attached to  (also good!) things like Game of Thones and The Walking Dead.

5. Temeraire: His Majesty's Dragon (series) by Naomi Novik.

     A series set in the Napoleonic wars where everything is the same as ever was...EXCEPT dragons exists, they're as smart as people (mostly), can talk, and the army uses them for kick ass aerial battles.

Temeraireby sandara
This drawing is TOTALLY ACCURATE. That is the aforementioned Temeraire. Just one of a hundred different types of dragons, and dragon characters. He and his captain travel the world, learning about other cultures and how they treat dragons, all while fighting a freaking war. It's written amazingly well, and the last book is set to come out soon. Out of eight.

What do we have so far? Well, Peter Jackson is supposed to be making a mini-series about it...someday...There's also some really cool art online.

4. The Myth Adventures series, by Robert Lynn Asprin.

     This follows a young magician/thief Skeeve and his powerless (formerly powerful) demon mentor Aahz. Instead of being the chosen one or anything like that they use Aahz's knowledge and Skeeve's growing power to form an inter dimensional powerbase and near mafia. And they're the GOOD GUYS.

What do we have so far? A nice comic adaptation. Really, this needs to be an animated movie. But the comic is quite good.

3. 20th Century Ghosts, by Joe Hill.

     This is a bizarre collection of stories, that I loosely classify as horror, but that's not a wide enough spectrum.

Just a peek at what's inside: a kid turns into a giant bug, and happily goes on a rampage. Two friends growing up, but one is an inflatable boy made of plastic. The museum of silence, where last breathes are housed. Amazing, weird, horrifying, wonderful tales.

What do we have so far? It was a best seller, but no art or fans or adaptations that I can find. Joe Hill's novels are very popular (also quite good), so there's hope.

2. Small World, by Tabitha King.

A book where what has science done hits political intrigue. The short of it ( heh heh) scientist invents shrink ray and a crazy, but powerful, woman who loves dollhouses seduces him. Then this happens:

Yeah. It's a nail biter, sexy, and thrilling.

What do we have so far? NADA. ZIP. ZILCH. No fanart, no fandom, nada. And Mrs. King deserves all of it! Let's get the ball rolling people: find a copy online (it's super easy), buy it in a used bookstore, ANYTHING. Just read this kickass book.

1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial: the Novelization.

     The book is from E.T.'s point of view, explains SO MUCH (like live didn't bring him back, his alien friends did, also he's a space botanist, also HIS REAL NAME). It's well written, and just different enough from the movie to be weird as hell.

What do we have so far? I could barely find a copy of the cover in Google images, but there are copies of this thing all over the place. Find one. Buy it. Read it. Discuss. Also, a sort of sequel, but it's by someone else, I haven't read it, and have no opinion.

Five things nobody tells you about the paranormal

    I’ve had many experiences in my life, from seeing a phantom face, hearing voices and footsteps, and being grabbed so hard by something that it left a bruise. But for all the ghost hunters and mediums on TV, there are still a lot of things nobody’s ever brought up. For instance...

5. Not everything is a ghost.

    I don’t mean in the ‘Oh, it was just a creaking door’ or ‘you were drunk’ kind of way. But not everything is a ghost. There are less definable things out there, from ‘spirits’ to ‘shadow people’ or just plain creepiness.

    Do I believe in lizard folk and world wide conspiracy? Not at all. I’m just saying the label of ‘ghost’ is used a bit more than necessary. We understand the concept of a ghost, even if we don’t believe. But a shadow person? There’s a lot of theories, but it comes down to ‘living shadows that come from nowhere, and we have no idea why, or what they’re doing.’ Brr. Give me great aunt Ethel any day.

4. Most women are psychic

    Call it Mother’s intuition, precognitive abilities, or latent PMS, but most women are to some degree psychic. When I’ve brought up my abilities (limited to an occasional precognitive dream) in a group of women EVERYONE will have a story to tell. Often a lifetime worth.

    I’ve met one man who has a similar ability, and again, only brought it up when a group of women were with him and already discussing it. If men also have this ability, they’re being tight lipped for fear of ridicule.

    Try it, ladies (and open minded men). Even if you’ve never had an experience that you remember, start the conversation. You’ll be surprised.

3. Being psychic is useless

    TV psychics are Bullshit. Psychics you pay are Bullshit. I have had personal experiences, and I still know these people are bullshit. Psychic ability varies in strength and talent, but there is no way in hell Sylvia Brown could look at a person and tell them how their loved one died. A psychic impression from a personal item? Maybe, but that’s one hell of a maybe.

    Your garden-variety psychic will be limited to gut instinct that may be a little stronger than most peoples, and an occasional precognitive dream or vision. That’s it. And even those are useless little snippets from everyday life. The best I’ve had? I’ve avoided pointless arguments with my husband, and stopped myself from biting my tongue. Woo-hoo! America’s Got Talent here I come!

2. Research doesn’t fix everything.

    In a TV show or movie, even a ‘reality’ show, an investigator will dig up something to explain what’s happening. In real life, this isn’t the case. My house has weird stuff going on the whole time I’ve lived there (AKA my whole life), but I have no idea why. There’s no deaths that I can find, no satanists, nothing. The place was built in the fifties, changed hands two or three times, and now my family owns it. End of story.

    Which doesn’t come close to explaining my last issue...

1. You can get used to anything.

    My bedroom is shaped like a shoebox. My bed was positioned lengthwise inside. I slept on the left side since I got out of the crib. 29 days out of 30 I had a nightmare that would keep me awake for at least an hour.

    It wasn’t until I mentioned this offhand to my brother in law that it struck me as odd. I never considered that other people didn’t get terrible nightmares every night of their lives.

    Why do I say this is paranormal and not just my wounded psyche? The nightmares abruptly stopped at age fifteen, when I switched sides of the bed. I didn’t notice they were gone, aside from vague relief. I figured it had to do with growing up.

    Then a friend mentioned whenever she slept over (on the left side, of course), she had the most awful nightmares.

    When I rolled to that side in my sleep? Nightmares. When other friends stayed over? Nightmares.

    I have no explanation for this. My bed is situated differently now, and when I sleep on the left I have no issues. Something about that corner of my room, not the bed itself, is the problem.

    The dreams were scary enough. The idea that I never knew anything was wrong for fifteen years is infinitely more terrifying.

AlmaCon: Epic-tastic

So, some time ago, I attended a local anime and gaming convention, AlmaCon. Granted, local in this case is a two hour drive, but it was well worth it. Only $5 to get in for the whole weekend, you can't beat that. The Motor City Comic Con charges about $25 PER DAY. And that's just to get in, not meet any special guests. I'm looking at YOU, Stan Lee.

So what was at AlmaCon? Well, the short list is:
Doug Walker, AKA The Nostalgia Critic
Chris Niosi, AKA Kirbopher.
Martin Billany, AKA LittleKuriboh
As well as several fine voice actors from things like DBZ, FMA, and other great artists.

I got to meet Doug first thing, with Bahamute. He complimented me on my home made Harley Quinn mallet. He congratulated Bahamute and I on our upcoming nuptials. "You (me) must be busy, and you (Bahamute) must be terrified." We got a pic, and scuttled off with a couple of signed DVDs. A great experience!

Next, there were a few fun panels. How to make a Manga Character (hilarious and informative), Kirbopher's Flashstravaganza, (lots of info about animating and how not to be in it for the wrong reasons), an acting workshop with the voice of Shou Tucker where Bahamute got to do a fun acting exercise. Lunch at the Braveheart Pub, and back to the Con for Doug's panel about movies that you love/hate and every disagrees with you on. Then, on to the FMA panel with Shou Tucker, Scar (Brotherhood) and Jean Havok. Those three are a FREAKING HOOT, and told a LOT of fun stories when they weren't tossing around water bottles.

Then back to the merch room to buy one more character coin from LittleKuriboh. He was nice enough to call Grizz as Seto Kaiba. I was crying, it was so funny. And LOOOONG. Like at least 5 minutes.

Then, I was a creep.

I overheard the volunteer mention that Doug and the other Talent were going to the Braveheart Pub for food and drinks. So, I muttered to Bahamute "Wanna go back to the to Braveheart?"

 "That's where they're all going, isn't it?" He knew.

"Yeeaah, but I'm not gonna ambush 'em or anything."

"...Sure. I could use a drink." He agreed. So, we were creepers together.

On the way, I confessed a small fantasy: That the bar would be nearly empty, and Doug would recognize us and call us over to sit with him and the others, to just talk and hang out. Stupid. It was a college town on a Saturday night. No way would the bar be empty. No way would they want to hang with some weird fans.

Well, when we parked and got out. I wasted a few minutes throwing on a shirt over my leather bodic (borrowed from my RenFest outfit). As I closed the door, Doug Walker walked past with a small group. Holy Crap! Was my fantasy about to come true???

I fell into step a few paces behind, and we all entered the pub. The very, very full pub. Doug and the others headed for the back. Bahamute and I grabbed a table a few seats away. My heart sunk. No fantasy becoming reality today. We ordered our drinks and got ready to head out. I went to the restroom, nearly slipping on the wooden floor behind Doug.

'Perfect. Fall and break your leg in front of The Nostalgia Critic and LittleKuriboh. That'd be a really shitty end to the day.' I made it to the bathroom, admittedly a little buzzed, and headed out a few minutes later. Passing back by Doug, my mind flashed to a scene in Hannibal where Lecter is on a Merry-Go-Round behind Starling. He reaches out and barely brushes her hair. She turns, but he's already gone, and she's not sure he was even there.

'You could do that.' A devilish little voice whispered as I saw Dough's thinning, short hair.

Then, the voice of reason perked up 'Okay, you just crossed the line from fan to stalker. TIME TO GO.'

And go I did, leaving Doug Walker unmolested, and not landing myself in jail. All in all, a good day.