Thursday, July 17, 2014

Five Insane Modern Creature Features

The classic creature feature movie has never really gone away. And with CGI becoming cheaper and easier to make, they're only getting more "popular". These are some of the weirdest ones I've seen.


This film is one of the worst produced I've ever seen. And I don't just mean it's badly written (it is) or badly acted (Hooo boy). The basic errors in filming make me wince.

For example, the victims motorboat to a deserted island that's clearly a resort due to well-marked paths, pruned foliage, and a GUY RIDING A BIKE in the background of one scene.
Our observant heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

There are plenty of other tings to bitch about, from the terrible CGI to the terrible practical effects, but I've touched on the worst stuff. If you want to see hot(ish) young(ish) people get slaughtered, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen.
Two out of five heads!


Unlike the other movies, I didn't include the trailer. The above scene includes everything you need to know about the movie. Giant shark, terrible acting, 'exposition' shoved in willy nilly ("I'm getting married in two days!" WHY?! WHY TELL HER THAT?!). The worst things? THIS IS THE FIRST MOVIE IN A SERIES.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN CHANGE THE POSTERS! WHY?! WHY? WHYYYYY?!
Craig T. Nelson, give me strength.



In case ice spiders killing people weren't bad enough, they had to be Olympic Hopefuls with Everything to Live For! Tragic!

I'm quite scared of spiders. It's a hard task to get me to watch a spider-themed movie and not freak out. But this trailer is NOT doing it for me. When a creature feature can't even scare someone who has a phobia of the creature in question, that's sad.

Frankly, I like the looks of this flick better:
Why aren't you real?!


Sharks are basically dinosaurs already. Slapping a T-Rex head onto a shark does not make them scarier. SHARKS LOOK LIKE THEY LOOKED THEN ALREADY!

I'm so pissed. Let's move on.



In case you couldn't tell what the hell was happening there (I couldn't), an alien fire snake comes to earth and starts burning stuff up. For some reason, that makes the government want to kill a guy!

Per usual government policies.

You know why I even found this movie? I thought 'Lava Shark' was a thing, and wanted it to top the list. Apparently it's not. I'm almost disappointed.  At least we can get some diversity points for not having another Shark flick. You go, movie studio!

Go.

Go away.

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