It's not so bad

I was going to post some stories about my family. Mostly my Mother, but some about my extended family. Stories that are not normal, or healthy. Stories about a parent making fun of their child, lying to them about their health, mocking them, and a family that goes along.

But the idea of writing these stories down and the information getting back to a member of said family is keeping me from doing so.

My family is mostly internet illiterate, but not totally. I'll post this on my Facebook as usual, but screened from kin. I can't risk it. I won't go home and get slapped around (the few times that was attempted I easily evaded the blows), but I cannot stomach the berating that could follow.

I'll tell stories in person, when the perpetrators aren't around. I'll put them online in places that can't be traced back to me. But I cannot recount them here. Not now.

Don't go thinking I was sexually molested or anything. Nothing like that. Just emotional abuse. Past and present. I was never starved or smacked or drugged or given anything that was a physical blow, like so many people I've known. My wounds are all inside.

Isolated. Berated. Lied to. Lied about. Trying the hardest to be the least favorite. Trained to lie to get little rewards. Trained not to complain because they had it worse than I did.

I do not doubt that (for the most part) my family loves me. I love them. That remains.

But when I tell a story and my husband gives me a look of horror, or my friends laugh until they realize I'm telling the truth, or random commentators on the internet are shocked, I still am flabbergasted. It all seems so normal to me. For me. That's just my life.

Realizing what happened to me was not normal or okay is still hard. I tell and re-tell the stories, to see if people are shocked or if it was a one-time reaction. It's hard to wrap my head around.

Maybe some day I'll write something down here, share it with those who know me. Not today. Today I'll write this vague little note and hide my Facebook status from most of my contact list.

I'll close with a list of signs of emotional abuse. I urge anyone out there who recognizes these items, get help. Get out.

Abusive Expectations - Makes impossible demands, requires constant attention, and constantly criticizes.

Aggressing - Name calling, accusing, blames, threatens or gives orders, and often disguised as a judgmental “I know best” or “helping” attitude.

Constant Chaos - Deliberately starts arguments with you or others. May treat you well in front of others, but changes when you’re alone.

Rejecting - Refusing to acknowledge a person’s value, worth or presence. Communicating that he or she is useless or inferior or devaluing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Denying - Denies personal needs (especially when need is greatest) with the intent of causing hurt or as punishment. Uses silent treatment as punishment. Denies certain events happened or things that were said. Denies your perceptions, memory and sanity by disallowing any viewpoints other than their own which causes self-doubt, confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

Degrading - Any behavior that diminishes the identity, worth or dignity of the person such as: name-calling, mocking, teasing, insulting, ridiculing,

Emotional Blackmail - Uses guilt, compassion, or fear to get what he or she wants.

Terrorizing - Inducing intense fear or terror in a person, by threats or coercion.

Invalidation - Attempts to distort your perception of the world by refusing to acknowledge your personal reality. Says that your emotions and perceptions aren’t real and shouldn’t be trusted.

Isolating - Reducing or restricting freedom and normal contact with others.

Corrupting - Convincing a person to accept and engage in illegal activities.

Exploiting - Using a person for advantage or profit.

Minimizing - A less extreme form of denial that trivializes something you’ve expressed as unimportant or inconsequential.

Unpredictable Responses - Gets angry and upset in a situation that would normally not warrant a response. You walk around on eggshells to avoid any unnecessary drama over innocent comments you make. Drastic mood swings and outbursts.

Gaslighting -A form of psychological abuse involving the manipulation of situations or events that cause a person to be confused or to doubt his perceptions and memories. Gaslighting causes victims to constantly second-guess themselves and wonder if they’re losing their minds.