What's the deal with Hellraiser?

Hellraiser is one of my all-time favorite horror movies. The first sequel ‘Helbound: Hellraiser 2’ is a fantastic example of how a cohesive story can be told if you keep the creator involved, much like Halloween 1 and 2, or Nightmare on Elm Street 1 and 3. Hellraiser is more like Halloween in this respect, as the stories of the second movies takes place mere hours after the events of the first ones. But even knowing this, the plot is muddled. I’ve read the novel Hellraiser is based on ‘The Hellbound Heart’ and I’ve seen all the movies (save the maligned reboot). So here’s the deal with Hellraiser

The Lament Configuration is the puzzlebox featured in all the Hellraiser movies. Like Freddy’s Glove or Chucky’s…Chucky doll, this prop is iconic for the series. It’s a dimensional gateway between the mortal world and the dimension where Pinhead and the other Cenobites live. To solve the box calls them. Then the fun begins.

(pictured: fun)

People intentionally solve the box because they’re depraved sadistic lunatics, or they can unintentionally do it and get stuck in the same boat. This is how Kirsty, our female protagonist in movies one and two, gets involved with the Cenobites. Speaking of…

Pinhead and the Cenobites (best rock band name ever!) are the denizens of the Lament Configuration Dimension. They serve a god named Leviathan, harvesting souls that solve the box and ‘pleasuring’ them in their own private hell for eternity. They were originally thought to be nothing more than demons, but Kirsty reveals they were once human. They were so tormented they became Cenobites, carrying on the work of Leviathan.

This revelation had far-reaching repercussions in the series. In movie two the shock causes the Cenobites to protect Kirsty. They fail, but at least they tried! We also see Pinhead’s human side a few more times, trying to split from his evil side. It’s a complex relationship. His human side was an officer in a war, and became so jaded he sought the box. The other Cenobites in the first movie have less-defined backstories. The female (Deep Throat) is supposed to have been a nun, the fat one (Butterball) is a fat guy, and the eyeless one (Chatterbox) is a little boy.

Whatta cute little scamp!

There are fan theories about what each of them did, but Pinhead is the only one we know for sure. He’s also the only one to show in every installment, since he’s the coolest/best acted/best fleshed out.

What this amount to in Hellraiser and Hellbound is the Cenobites are after Kirsty and her family because her uncle opened the Lament Configuration. All the weird tunnels in the walls bits are their dimension connecting with our own. It's all quite simple really.

Just don't ask me to explain The Engineer

So that's the deal with Hellraiser: humans made into demons torturing people who solve puzzles in hell for eternity. Hope that clears up a few things!

HAVE A NICE DAY!

Five Favorite Freddy Quotes

Freddy Krueger is the star of my all-time favorite horror movie/series. Teens come and go, but Freddy is eternal.

And he can rock some shades.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from my favorite Nightmare Master

5. “This…is God.”

Freddy's first real line of dialogue from the first Nightmare is one of his best. After threatening Tina, the stricken teen whispers "Oh God."  Freddy, always ready with a witty rejoinder, holds up his glove and gives her a theology lesson. Perfect character intro.

4.

This quote comes from the unappreciated Freddy VS. Jason. We often forget that he first targeted small children: this bit will will get you feeling bad for Jason Voorheis! It's also a fabulous capper to one of the best scenes in the film.

3. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but nothing will ever kill me.

This quotes is from the worst of the NOES movies, Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare. It accurately sums up most of the ways Freddy got killed in previous installments, and the futility of it all.  Even the worst movie in this franchise is funny, and Freddy delivers this line with such punch, you won't even care that Breckin Meyer is one of the stars.

Seems about right.

2.“Rick. You little meatball."

Here's a rare double-whammy from NOES4: The Dream Master: Freddy tormenting his victim AFTER already killing him. He literally eats the head/soul of Rick right in front of his horrified sister. If that ain't evil, nothing is.

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This line was so good they put it in NOES 2: Freddy's Revenge AND the master meta film Wes Craven's New Nightmare.

This line is delivered both times with impeccable Freddy-ness. The crux of the character is here: the demonic gate-keeper lording over his soon-to-be-dead charges. It's almost beautiful.

By welcome2creepshow

Sweet Dreams!

Why isn't Hocus Pocus a Broadway Show?

Hocus Pocus is a very special movie. It was the first movie I saw Bette Middler in, as well as Kathy Nijimy and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Pictured together here.

It’s also the first movie I played a drinking game to an actually got drunk, the first ‘adult’ costume I ever wanted for Halloween (adult like dressing as an adult, not a sexy witch you pedophiles. I was TEN), and the first I ever bootlegged into a show.

Back in the seventh grade, my friend Mitchel and I performed the infamous ‘what a pretty spider’ and ‘I put a spell on you’ number from the movie for theater class. I was Winifred Sanderson, he was Mary and Sarah. Good times. But since then, I’ve wondered: why isn’t Hocus Pocus a show?

I’m not the first person to ask the question or demand that it be made into a show, preferably on Broadway. But what are the best arguments for moving the project forwards?

First, the assortment of characters are perfect for the stage. Three older women as the witches, two teenagers for Max and Alison, one pre-teen girl for Danny, and a male puppeteer for Binx. You can fill out the chorus with the usual assortment, and there’s room for lots of little kinds in a few trick or treating scenes (or maybe a new musical number!) Those kinds of stats are great for shows: not a lot of men needed, but the few who are get some fun stuff. Ernie and Ice could be played by people into their late twenties if the need arose. Billy Butcherson can be your man bass. An older couple for mom and dad. It’s perfect!

I won’t insult your intelligence by explaining how cool the characters are. You already know how awesome the Sanderson sisters are, let alone the rest.

As for the plot, little needs to be changed from the basic structure. The act break should come just after it’s reveled the witches survived the burnination. Sort of an ‘Into the Woods’ the audience knows trouble is coming but the characters think it’s Ever After time thing. Maybe add a little more backstory to why Max hates his new home/Halloween so much, but that can be accomplished via song.

Speaking of songs, it’s gonna need some. We’ve already got ‘I put a spell on you’ for the sisters and ‘Come little children’ for Sarah. But we need a lament for Bix. A rock song for Max. A hooray for Halloween for Danny and the kids. A Sweeny Todd-esq ghost chorus of their past victims (the kids again, maybe?). A rallying cry against Winnifred for Billy (ala Evil Dead the Musical’s God Damn you Woman). A ‘dance with the devil’ ditty for when the witches meet their master. A song praising the book. A continuation of the spell that turns Binx into a cat. The possibilities are endless!

The only possible sticking point are the effects. A large portion of the movie relies on the fact
that the witches can fly. But even in-movie this issue is solved by their brooms being stolen. The flight could all be implied, if done correctly. Jumping onto the stage with brooms in hand, perhaps. Or, if you’ve got a flying rig, use the sucker!
The final scene with Winifred sucking the lift out of Max could be done atop a gravestone (Billy’s perhaps?). The explosions and stonification (heh) could be turned into melting away, especially if trap doors are present. Maybe invoke the other most famous witch’s demise. Or even better, have the same devil from before come and collect them and take them back to hell personally. Have it turn out the resemblance was more than just superficial!

The point is, not only is this a great concept for a stage show, it’s totally doable. If I, who has never adapted anything for stage in my life, can come up with these ideas on the fly, imagine what a Broadway producer could do.

I know I will be.

Five new Halloween costumes that shouldn’t be

We've all seen lists detailing shameful Halloween costumes with ethnic stereotypes or sexy things that shouldn't be sexy. So, here's one for 2014!

5. (Sexy??) Loofah

I...I assume this is supposed to be sexy, but it looks more like flapper dresses gone berserk. What the actual helll?

4. Dead-eyed Rankin-Bass Santa

It's a 'mascot' Santa costume technically, but we all know what's going on here. HAPPY HALLOWEEN EARTH CHILDREN TIME FOR YOUR PRESENTS AND PROBING. HO. HO. HO.

3. Sexy Olaf

If I have to explain why this is awful, get off my blog. You have no place here.

2. Princess Wicked Witch of the West

Points for creativity, but not everything has to be a 'Princess'. This just makes me mad as a Wicked/Wizard of Oz fan. Grr.

1. Sexy Day of the Dead Senorita

Halloween and The Day of the Dead are NOT the same. The latter is a deeply spiritual holiday that honors the spirit and memory of deceased loved ones. And this mish-mash of cultural appropriation and 'sexy' is VERY offensive. 

Five Scary Ghost Pics

Spooky Friday!

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Personality, or why the Evil Dead Remake doesn't work

I am not a fan of the new Evil Dead. As a horror movie it’s not the worst, but I don’t consider it a worthy entry into the franchise. And no, it wasn’t because no Ash (that made plenty of sense), or updated story elements (the story worked fine) or horrible actors (they were all at least passable). No, my issue with the movie comes down to one very important aspect: the Deadites.

“DEAD BY DAWN!” “I’ll swallow your soul!” “You’re just a little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!” These a but a few of the memorable gems spoken by Deadites in the first three films. And here is the most memorable thing said by one in the new one:
“…(groaning noises).”

The Deadites aren’t just zombies. They’re thinking, manipulative creatures that try and make their victims go mad so they’ll be easier to possess. In the new film they’re just mindless
zombies biting and clawing to infect the cabin-dwellers. It loses so much of the flavor that it’s no longer an Evil Dead Film.

I can understand chucking the humorous elements of the Deadites to try and make the film more serious. Horror/comedy is a fine line to walk, and most who try fail at it. But there was a scene at the end of this trailer that managed to do it!

Those lines are direct quotes from the first movie, delivered well and are extremely creepy. Why the hell did they cut it from the film? That tiny taste of personality would have gone a long way towards getting fans on its side!

One Deadite does talk a bit near the end of the film, but it’s nothing more than expository dialogue delivered without style. The personality in this film comes from the human actors and nowhere else. Once they turn, you might as well turn it off.

It has been said that this film takes place in the same universe as the others, and may even be a direct sequel with some of the actors secretly playing Ash William’s kids. There’s also talk of another movie tying the events of this (and any subsequent reboot-y films) in with Army of Darkness and Bruce Campbell returning as Ash. If that’s true, I’ll feel better about this movie, but not great. Not unless it’s said that these creatures aren’t Deadites, or are a brainless subsect, or even Ash saying “They just don’t make Deadites like they used to.” SOME acknowledgment that there is a concrete difference between these things and the real Deadites.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice my demonic laughter and getting my head chainsawed off by my husband.

Five Lesser-Known Scary Creatures

These boogieman are lesser known than their movie or book brethren. But they're just as scary, if not scarier than most modern creepers. Some are big names among the creepy community, some are just things I found in my internet wanderings. Some are better as ideas, some are full-fledged stories with their own sub-communities of stories.

Here's hoping I can still surprise you, long time readers.

5. Smile Dog

This is not Smile Dog. According to the Creepypasta, this image is a close approximation of the real picture. The real picture is purported to cause nightmares, insanity, and death. So, the internet has done its darndest to make an accurate recreation.

The image of a dog with human teeth is obviously disturbing (as the above shots can attest to). Dog-like monsters aren't anything new, and neither is the monster that demands you share it before you die. Despite that, the story is effective, and the creature works. It'd make a good movie, or even a costume.

Now, where can I find a dog that'll hold dentures in its mouth...

4. Mr. Widemouth

Another from the ranks of Creepypasta, Mr. Widemouth is a classic monster. Part Furby, part Peter Pan, all evil. He's a friend to children...you as a child....or your own children, perhaps. Either way, this furry little guy has gained infamy online. Over 4600 readers have rated his tale terrifying...and that number is growing.

Join the ranks, won't you?

3. The Cot Creature

Redditor Tport17 posted this story, a purportedly true one, about a strange creature that attacked her grandmother in 1930. The woman spent the night on her porch in a cot, and awoke to something sitting on the end, watching her.

Says Tport17  "... [my grandmother] said it was really ugly and had a full set of sharp teeth. It was shaped like a person but didn’t look like a person. She said that it just sat there and smiled at her with its abnormally large mouth of sharp teeth. "

The simplicity of the description allows you to paste your own fears on the creature: a great blank slate. But what really gets me is the story's post script:

"...after [Tport17 's grandmother] told her grandmother about it, they all went outside. She could still see the creature, but [her grandmother and two brothers] couldn’t. It laughed and laughed at her, even while [her brothers] were chopping the cot. Then it just disappeared."

If that doesn't sound like the beginning (or end) of a great horror movie, then I misunderstand the genera. I encourage you to read the whole story: it's short but effective. Bet you'll think twice before spending the night outside. After all, it's just a story.

Sweet dreams

2. The Rake

The Rake is...The Rake. A historical boogieman invading modern life. A dog-like, man-like creature that haunts the bedrooms of its victims. There are several amateur horror films based on it already. It's legend is growing.

Hope you sleep deeply, readers.

1. The Bongcheon-Dong Ghost

This story can only be experienced.  It's not long. Do not read it at work (no nudity or anything). Good luck.

Santa, Jesus, and Rita Moreno

Saturday was a big day, as I sighted all three of the titular individuals.

Let me back up.

I went to the Michigan Renaissance Festival Saturday where I spotted Santa (at the pub) and Jesus (at the front of the pub-crawl line). That was great all by itself. But then I went to the Redford Theater to see West Side Story. Rita Moreno (Anita) was there, and talked about the production of the movie, her work, and her book.

It was cool.

There were some surprises, for the audience and Mrs. Moreno. A troupe of local dancers performed 'America'. Rita graciously 'forgave' the blond girl who played her during the dance for not being Puerto Rican. The Redford always puts on a good show, and this kind of thing isn't uncommon when they have actors in house. A seat was also dedicated to Mrs. Moreno. She seemed to enjoy the proceedings.

82. Good Lord.

The strangest part of the night was listening to the lyrics of 'America', and 'Officer Krupke' and realizing that in the ___ years since it came out, all of it is still relevant. Racism and inequality are constantly in the news. Juvenile delinquency is very much in force, and the same reasons are still given for it.

I was going to quote the relevant lyrics, but there are so many it's easier just to show you. Go ahead, I'll wait.

See? That wasn't such a chore now was it? (in the words of Dr. Ray Stantz)

I enjoy much of this movie. If the romance were a little less...everything, I'd like it much better. Never cared for Romeo and Juliet, but this is probably my second favorite telling of the tale.

If only we could look on it and see only the past, it would be perfect...

Five Great Cracked Horror Articles

It's no secret to friends and long time readers that I'm a fan of Cracked. And their horror coverage is...extensive.

I encourage you to read all their horror stuff, but here are some of my favorite pieces to get you started. 

5. 20 Costumes that will earn you a  Halloween beating

A great guide of what not to wear this Halloween season. From offensive stereotypes to sexy things that shouldn't be sexy, to just dumb. All really exist. All have been worn. I've seen some of these. And THAT is terrifying.

4. 4 Truly Scary Facts No One Tells you about Halloween

These horrors are of the sad, real life variety. Important facts about who really poisons candy (hint: it's not random maniacs) and why you should fear/respect the candy lobby. An important read for anyone even adjacent to the holiday.

3. 5 Popular Zombie Survival Tactics (that would get you killed)

For readers of Max Brook's Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z this list holds few surprises. But it's a nice refresher course if you have. And if not, it serves as a good introduction to core concepts and ideas.

Plus cool zombie pictures.

2. The 5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History

From killer cookies to murderous mangles, this list encapsulates some of the worst monsters ever put on the screen. I've seen some of these for myself, and I agree wholeheartedly with everything on this list.

I also own several of these flicks, if anyone's curious...

1. The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth

Real life horror is scarier than anything Hollywood can dream up. It's a wheres where of where you never want to visit. Tourist beware, you're in for a scare.