Ecto-Pathetic

So, several months after my initial Ghostbusters post, things haven't gotten much better. Dan Akroyd watched an early cut of the new film, pronounced it great, and the 'fans' have derided him for it. That's right, the man responsible for bringing us Ghostbusters is ALSO getting hate from the 'fans.'

Do I even need to say anything?

I'm pulling rank here, guys. I have the Ghostbusters comics, both movies, The Real Ghostbusters box set, and a semi-updated Ghostbusters Tumblr. I know more about the whole franchise than the average 'fan.' Aside from the new movie not possibly being worse than the worst parts of the existing franchise,  nobody has seen it yet. Trailers often misrepresent their films, and even if the trailers are totally accurate, the newest trailer looks FINE.

ALL the things I've said about the effects being undone, the best jokes not being farted out at a first glance, and the characters not being one-off copies of the originals has been validated. And even IF this movie was a Paul Blart-esc misma of lazy fart jokes and crummy effects (and I'm not saying it is) there's one thing everyone's forgetting:

IT WILL NOT RUIN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

Your childhood is over. It is unchangeable without benefit of a time turner, Terminaor, or DeLorean.

Also, this.

I've complained often enough about crummy entries in my favorite franchises to know that nothing can make me love the original incarnation less; Not a voodoo shark, not jump scares,  not midichlorians, not Rob Zombie (though I actually liked that one), not Rachel Berry, not an X-Rating, not censorship, not bad practical effects, not genera jumping, not even a shot for shot remake.

By all means, complain about bad movies, books, games, shows, and everything else you see that is sub par entertainment. There's no other way to make changes to the industry. BUT GIVE IT A CHANCE FIRST. Give it a chance. And remember, you still have access to the good. 

Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared (of the internet)

Some of you may not be familiar with the puppetry phenomenon taking the internet by storm. If not, check out these two videos. Warning, they are CREEPY and a bit gory. Probably not safe for work, depending on if your boss is around or not.

Go ahead, watch 'em. I'll wait, and they're less than 8 minutes put together.

 The two videos are very interesting, and personal favorites of mine. Childlike whimsy mixed with puppets and creepiness: sign me up!

Of course, with popularity, comes fandom. And with fandom, comes people  who will recreate your characters in their own image. Just have a look at some of the art the two DHMIS's has inspired.


(From this artist)

Yep, that's the notepad and the clock. One artist on Tumblr drew humanized versions of the characters, and now the fandom has exploded with art.

And cue the ridiculous hate storm.

On Tumblr (the source of most of the art) people are complaining about the drawings. 'Why is it a herto couple?' 'Why do they 'look white'?' 'Why is their only one set design?'

These are drawings created by a fan that other people recreated of INHUMAN (but not inanimate) objects.  And other fans are offended by this. Instead of creating their own designs, they're just bitching and complaining. Kind of a microcosm of actual societal problems.

By the way, the puppets are voiced by a woman and man, respectively, which is why they are drawn that way.

For my part, I'm just boggled by the depth and creativity of some of these things. And for the record, there needs to be more art of the Red Guy (nicknamed Harry by the fans for obvious reasons). He's become an unofficial mascot of being done with weird stuff.

 



(the artist)

(this artist)

(original post)






So, you can understand why I might identify with Red.

My Christmas wish

So, my fiancee may have the worst Christmas ever.

Let backup me explain.

My fiancee Bahamute's parents divorced a few years before we started dating. In the last few years, both his mother and father moved out of state. This year his Mother, Stepfather, and 2 Stepbrothers, for the first time in 8 years, were all going to come up on Christmas Eve, and stay for almost a week with his brother, Grizz, and his boyfriend. Bahamute had never been this excited about Christmas. Usually, he hates the holiday, and working retail, I can understand. He's getting ready for a Christmas Eve shift as I write this.

Last Saturday, Grizz's power went out, and hasn't come on since. We had no idea. And as a result, his folks aren't coming up tonight unless it kicks back on. It's supposed to have come on at midnight every day since this happened.

This is the news I woke him with on Christmas Eve. Now he's getting ready for work, and I have no idea what to say. I'll be spending the day cooking, cleaning, and with my own family. The only pain I have that's comparable is the death of my father in 2009. It's two very different situations.

What do I do? What do I say? How can I make this suck any less (We can't have them at our place due to space issues)?

I have nothing. It's a rotten situation. Merry Christmas and be alone.

Grizz and his boyfriend may come stay with us tonight. I hope they will: they're some of our best friends in the world, and Bahamute needs to be with family.

One Day More (The Hobbit)

To the Tune of Les Mis 'One Day More'

[ME]

One day more!
Another day, another Hobbit dream.
And even now it seems;
These films that seem to fill my mind
Will surely end this daily grind;
One day more!

[MY FIANCE]
She won’t shut-up today
How can I live with this much longer?

[ME]
One day more.

[MY FIANCEE & MOTHER]
Tomorrow it’ll be Hobbit Day
And yet her obsession is much stronger

[FRIENDS]
One more day on her Tumbler

[MY FIANCEE & MOTHER]
Will we ever hear her stop?

[FRIENDS]
One more day of her not caring.

[MY FIANCEE & MOTHER]
I am tired of the slop.

[FRIENDS]
What a blog I might have known.

[MY FIANCEE & MOTHER]
And I swear I’ll just go nuts!

[FRIENDS]
But she cannot write a thing!

[THEATER EMPLOYEES]
One more day before it starts!

[FIANCEE]
Do I follow where she goes?

[THEATER EMPLOYEES]
And the cosplays flood our aisles.

[FIANCEE]
Should I join my lover there?

[THEATER EMPLOYEES]
When the lines begin to form

[FIANCEE]
Do I stay, will she care?

[THEATER EMPLOYEES]
Will you get the receipts and see?

[ALL]
The time is now, the day is here

[ME]
One day more!

[Smauglock fans]
One day more to sexy hobbits,
We will pinch them on the butt!
We’ll be ready for hot Smaug,
And write all sorts of smut!

[ME]
One day more!

[CONCESSION STAND]
Watch ‘em run around,
See her Hobbit doll,
Never know what sounds
you’ll hear when fan-girls bawl,
Here’s some nacho dip
That’s a little much!
Most of them are weirdos
So just don’t touch!

[Fans (2 Groups)]
[1:] One day to a new film classic

[2:] Raise the flag of fandom high!

[1:] And Thorin will be a king

[2:] And Thorin will be a king

[1:] Still two years till new ‘Jurassic’

[2:] There are dragons in the sky

[ALL]
Do you hear the fandom ring?

[MY FIANCEE, TO ME]
My place is here, I watch with you!

[ME]
One day more!

[THEATER EMPLOYEES]
We will mock these people’s heroes
We will giggle when they go
To enjoy their smutty secrets,
And perverted things they know.

[ME]
One day more!

[MY MOM]
Tomorrow she’ll be worlds away

[FRIENDS]
What a blog I might have known!

[MY MOM]
And yet for her it’s already started

[THEATER EMPLOYEES]
One more day to Hobbit mania
We will take the cash flash flood
We’ll be ready for these weird fans

Who say they’re of dragon-blood

[CONCESSION STAND EMPLOYEES]
Watch ‘em run around,
See her Hobbit doll,
Never know what sounds
you’ll hear when fan-girls bawl,

Here’s some nacho dip
That’s a little much!
Most of them are weirdos
So just don’t touch!

[ME]
Tomorrow I’ll be far away,
In middle earth where Hobbits play

[ALL]
Tomorrow we’ll discover
What Peter Jackson has in store!
One more dawn
One more day
One day more!

The Fly vs. Puppetmaster 5

No sooner do I finish watching 1986 masterpiece The Fly do I pop Puppetmaster 5 the Final Chapter (yes another grievous misnaming)  into my DVD player. From the top dog to the bottom of the heap in one fell swoop: possilby the greatest Sci-Fi remake of all time and one of the worst direct-to-video crapfests ever put on celluloid.

It's...it's...

Hmm.

Sorry for the pause, Pinhead and Jester were killing a henchman with a meat cleaver.

My love of bad horror movies is almost as great as my love of good ones. Troll 2 stands on my self next to the original Nightmare on Elm street (as well as all the sequels. And ONLY the sequels, not this piece of shit) Poltergeist and Poltergeist 3 both give me screams, some of terror, some of laughter. And frankly, Poltergeist 2 is a bit underrated. I'll riff bad flix and sit in quiet reverence for the good ones.

It's not isolated to just me. Mystery Science Theater 3000  wouldn't exist if it was. Evil Bong 2 is a self-aware tribute to the bad movie altar (and worth a look. And you actually kind of have to see Evil Bong to follow along).

What is it about so bad they're good movies that draw so many of us in? Yes, some are intentional (just look at Full Moon studios or Asylum Pictures) but many are completely accidental: those are often the best. The humor is always funnier when it's done with a straight face.

So, does that mean every bad movie is a comedy gold mine? No, sadly not. Some are simply bad. But there are enough funny little messes in the bargain bins of Target and the one-stars on Net-flicks to keep me in stitches until the next Insidious-level horror film comes along.

To the girl sitting next to me at Insidious Two

So I attended a showing of Insidious 2 with my future brother in law Grizz last night. We went to a 6:40 show since Grizz had to be up at 6:00 for work at a place that rhymes with Lowgers.

That was our mistake.

What we failed to realize is that a 6:40 showing for a PG-13 flick is going to be PACKED with teenage girls. Now, when I was a teenage girl, I never screamed at a horror movie. Frankly, I’ve never screamed at a movie. Jerked, sure. Clutched Bahamute’s arm, maybe. But screamed? Nope.

The usher was walking the aisles regularly, so talking was kept at a minimum, as was cellphone use. Not completely gone, mind you, but tolerable.

Then, the girl next to me (no older than 14 surely) started talking to me.

“Oh my God, it’s so scary!”

I raised one hand. “It’s fine.”

“But they’re gonna dieeeeeee!” She trembled, blond hair jittering.

“It’s fine. It’s a movie.”

The next thing I knew, her head was in my lap.

I looked across to Grizz.  “I don’t--how do I--what do I--Nothing in life has prepped me to deal with this situation!”

Grizz just grinned. Eventually, the girl left the safety of my lap. The screaming continued unabated.

I turned back to Grizz. “Can I dissociate myself from the gender right now?”

But it’s not a gender thing. Plenty of boys were hollering during the jump scares (which sadly, are ramped up from Insidious One’s total of one to about a dozen. Forgivable, but noticeable).  

I have to assume it’s a maturity thing. Even when I was thirteen I never squealed at scary movies. I might clap my hands over my mouth, but I never once screamed out, even if I was terrified. I was too conscious of breaking the mood and drawing attention to myself.

But even in my day, there were plenty of girls who were squealers. And I guess there always will be.

Chun-Chun!

So, here I sit, watching Back to the Future at my soon-to-be Brother’s in law’s house (Bahamute and I are house/snake sitting). I’ve been watching a lot of 80s and 90s movies lately: mostly the Puppet Master series (I’m in the middle of #5 presently). I’ve come to a realization: Law and Order SVU has ruined bad eighties horror for me.

These fuckers.

Let me explain.

If you’re unfamiliar with the Puppet Master flicks (no great surprise there) it’s basically this: Puppets kill things. People. Demons. Other puppets. In the case of #4 it’s demons while protecting a good Master. Some people are killed by the demons, puppets win, end of flick.

Yeah, it's just as good as it looks

Number #5 starts with the protagonist of #4 in a police offce. He’s being charge with the murders. Okay, I can see that, he was the caretaker of the hotel where one dude died. Any other evidence?

Well...He has a creppy looking puppet! And he was the last person to call two murdered scientist he worked with.

He called them FROM the remote hotel, which the phone logs would show. He had NO motive to kill his co workers. The video of one co worker shows her looking at the floor: clearly the suspect programmed his puppet to MURDER these innocent people!

Ha ha.....ooooh.

With no opportunity, motive, and the barest excuse of a mean. These cops would have been tossed out on their asses if they tried this under Captain Cragen.

Get out of my office before I transfer you to the 'partnered with a comic foil' department.

Impotant RAAAAAAGE

What is the word for experiencing rage over something that happened 20 some years ago? Not something serious, like a murder or a war, mind you: something cultural, like an event in a book, movie, play or T.V. show.

Because the crap in Star Trek TNG is starting to REALLY get my dander up.

90% of the episodes are about Picard negotiating treaties. A nice idea, but I though your mission was to BOLDLY go where NO ONE HAS GONE BEFORE, not boldly go to the next neutral meeting site!

Another thing that sucks? Kids. So far Troi, Worf, Data, and Riker have all had a kid (not always a real one, mind you). Two have died by the end of the episode, one was shunted off to live with grandparents, and one was an alien impostor that was ditched at a starbase, presumably. Emotional manipulation go!

Wesley. Nuff said

Don't get me wrong, I still love TNG, mostly for it's complex characters. But I sure do miss the Holy Trinity of Trek beaming down to planets and finding adventures. 

Do do do do doooo....

Comic Con has got it going on.

I purchased two $27 ‘advance admission tickets’ for the 2013 Motor City Comic Convention. I was looking forward to seeing some stars, attending some panels, and overpaying for food.

I got in line with my fiancée (It was out 11 year anniversary date), and another friend at 9:30. The line stretched all the way around the Suburban Financial Showplace. There were literally hundreds of people, not counting the line for people who had paid extra to meet Stan Lee or the Boondock Saints. But it was sunny and we were in good spirits.

Then 10:00 came.

We were told that advance ticket holders would get in ½ an hour earlier than those poor suckers who bought tickets on site. Not only did the Suburban Financial Showplace merge both sets of holders into one line, that line didn’t even start moving until 11:00; half an hour AFTER the on-site ticket holders were supposed to be let in!

We later found out they’d run the Stan Lee and Boondock saints tickets though before starting our line. We got in at 11:45. Clearly, the Suburban Financial Showplace was NOT equipped to handle a convention of this size. We were just lucky it was warm and sunny. Had it been raining or snowing (Michigan!) we would have been SOL.

As always, Harley Quinns abounded.

Upon gaining entrance, and standing in line for some free swag (Star Trek hats! WOOT!) we wandered around, meeting artists and buying trinkets. At 12:50 I headed to the back, behind the media guests (such greats at Walter Keonig, Micky Dolenz, and Cary Elways) to speaker room 3 to a long anticipated panel on Comic Book Censorship from 1937 through 1960.

Room 1 was there. Room 2 was there. There was no room 3 to be seen.

I asked a security person where room 3 was and was told “There is no room 3.” I went to the front and was told it was outside our hall, closer to the other conventions consisting of sports autograph memorabilia and osteoporosis. While I was told this, a family with a 5 year old boy missing was told that security couldn’t ‘really do anything’ to help them find their missing son.

I walked past real Doctors in my Dr. Horrible outfit. I got some looks.

Yep, that's the one.

When I got to the small, air-conditioned, darkened room, it was a welcome relief. I took off my labcoat and chatted with the 20 or so attendees that were waiting.

And waiting.

After 15 minutes, some people left. I thought the speaker might be having difficulty finding the room, as I had. I stuck it out until 1:45, vainly hoping he’d show and I’d get my presentation.

The only person who came by was a busboy with a water bottle. When I asked the management what happened, he professed bafflement and apologized.

I trudged to Cary Elway’s panel, heart sunk. I’d paid for this? This messy, disappointing, frustrating walk through hell?

You tell 'em Westley!

Then Bahamute gave me my anniversary present: a hand-crafted purple duct tape wallet and some cards of my favorite characters.  Then Mr. Elways gave his panel. Then we met him, and he was really nice. So was Micky Dolenz.

The convention is a messy, ill managed, poorly supported, overpriced fiasco. But the people who attend are for the most part (Screw Adam West!) wonderful artist and fans that are all having a great time.

I’m not sure if I’ll go back to the convention. It’s been my anniversary date spot since my first anniversary 10 years ago. Every year it gets bigger, the guests get more fabulous, the tickets get more expensive, the lines get longer, and the management gets worse.

If I do go back, it’ll be on a Friday. It’ll be because there’s a guest I really want to meet. But it won’t be in high hopes. And it probably won’t be in costume (I was mistaken for Dr. Insano at one point. Score!).

No matter what, I have fond memories of the convention from years past. And I’ll keep them boarded and bagged with the best moments in my golden age. That’s a promise, True Believers.

ABC TALKED TO MEEEE!

HOLY CRAP.

ABC: Best pics and Screengrabs

If anyone knows good eats, it's this guy.

Short answer....nope.

Photoshop: so easy a sleazy resturantour can do it.

Please don't breed.

Mmm, that's good troll food!

Poor bastard. And he's allergic to cats.

That should do it! They've solved the internets!

The Balroug is her new Sous chef.

I'm sure there will be more of these, as the insanity continues. Enjoy the circus while it's in town!

ABC, easy as OMG

Update on the ABC insanity: The fired waitress gave an interview. Basically, she says she'll never go back and that people just want in for the spectacle. Right on the money, Kid.

While I slept there were multiple posts on all the Facebook pages. There's a grand re-opening scheduled for the 21st, they hired a new PR firm, and of course, insulted customers left and right. The trolls are eating well.

This is one lesson Amy and Samy just won't learn.

ABC: The insanity continues. UPDATED

They just keep making new Facebook pages. I think this is vague chronological order:

The Original

2.0

The support page with 'Night Admin'!

3rd page where they announce that they've receive threats and are closing for safety reasons.

Bonus: Their Twitter!

Sorry Samy, no stopping this train. The Internet is serious business. Mark my words, they'll be suing (or trying to sue) Gordon Ramsy soon.

 

ABC: GLORIOUS DAY!

I  don't give a rats ass about reality TV. Usually. But for Amy's Baking Company, I'll make an exception.

If you're not in the know, ABC is a company featured in the season finale of Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares: a show where Chef Ramsey tries to help struggling restaurants make something of themselves. After hearing that the owners of the show were going crazy on Facebook, Reddit, and Yelp, I had to take a look.

SWEET. JESUS.

To sum up: These people are pants crapping INSANE. I thought I had it bad at the now defunct Il Posto. Johnny has nothing on Samy (though the two look alike, down to the bags, silver hair, accent, and gold chains. My Dad woulda laughed his ass off at this guy). Amy is God's gift to the world, and if you're a hater, you're obviously know nothing about food. She told Chef Ramsey that he was wrong about his under cooked pizza.

But the fun doesn't stop there. There are several facebook pages (periodically on and offline) where the couple just won't stop talking about the FBI, haters, and how they are beautiful, sane people. Take a look:

This is lovley. 

You call yourself a Christian?

But the most amazing thing comes from the  "I support Amy's Baking Company Bakery Boutique & Bistro 100 percent" page.

You read right. They are comparing people complaining about their food to TERRORISM and MASS MURDER. And they just will not stop. Constant posts, replies, threats of bringing down the FBI on the "hackers" who posted on their pages. They do not understand about feeding the trolls. It's amazing that people could be this oblivious.

Even Amy's "three little boys trapped in cat bodies" have gotten online to defend their Meowma.

I think this sums it up best:

Welcome to the internet, Samy and Amy. Can't wait to see what batshit stuff you come up with while defending your frozen ravioli and defaming Gordon Ramsey's midget porn double's death by badger. Sadly, they took this down before I could get a screencap.

RIP Percy Foster. Too soon.

Here's two more sites with their screen capped insanity. Enjoy the rants that make Westboro look almost reasonable.

So Erma Bombeck was telling the truth

My nephew has cancer.

I've had Erma Bombeck's book I Want to Grow Hair, I Want to Grow Up, I Want to Go to Boise (Children Surviving Cancer) for years. I used to imagine what I'd do if I got cancer. Would I be brave? Would I pack it in? Would I cry over losing my troublesome hair?

Now it's my three year old nephew and I'm scared shitless. His Mother just called me in tears. She's one of my best friends, and we work together. I see her almost every day. I've been friends with her since she was pregnant with the boy: I've literally known him his whole life. I gave his his first nickname, Monkey Baby (he hooted when I held him six hours after he was born).


Our boss just left. I haven't told him yet. Her husband was in earlier before they got the MRI results in to tell him she may take a few days off. I don't expect to see her anytime soon.

My nieces are seven and (almost) six. Do they know? Will they understand? Such smart, sweet girls. They still talk about the the time I babysat and we ate cookies and watched Scooby Doo on Zombie Island. I've offered to watch them whenever needed. That offer will stand. I love those girls. I love that boy. I love that family: her father is officiating my wedding next year.

I called Bahamute and told him what my friend told me "The doctor used words like Oncologist, and Tumor, and Malignant."

He was quiet for a moment. "He's only three."

"I know." I explained that her husband came by to talk to Steve before this happened.

"He's only three." He hasn't heard anything I've said. I understand.

"I know."

"...I have to call Mom." He hung up. I don't blame him. His Mother is his rock (well, her and I). I can't imagine telling my Mother. She loves kids. She's good with them too, doting on her grand nieces. She'll go to pieces over this.

I look at my stack of work. I'll lose myself in it shortly. I won't call my other friends. If they ask me to I will spread the word, but for now it'll rest. Good news will stay and bad will refuse to leave. Jewish wit.

I joke my way out of stress. That's over. I am the shoulder to cry on, the friend to lean on from here on out. I'll joke with them again. Someday. Sometime. When they need it. Please God, let me know when to be funny and when to be serious. Let me know how to handle them, not too gently and not too harsh. Please.

I don't know if I'll post this to facebook. Not yet. Let my nonexistant followers find it first. Let my best friend from high school look it over and tell me what she can: she's been though more loss than me. I can't be the bearer of this news.

I want to go home. To what? Cry on Bahamute's shoulder? Sit and wait for news knowing my friends are in Detroit losing their shit? To try and write my unpublished novels, fanfiction, or a youtube review script? No. I'll stay. There's work. And she will have a job to come back to. I can write more later, off the clock, when the numbness is gone. My sternum hurts.

I wish I was on better terms with God right now. It hasn't been very good since my Father left. But I'm trying.

Why I HATE the Wheel of Time

The Exam 

Please note, I applied this to another author's work, and not my own, so the answers may seem a little...off.

1.      Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages? Nope, nothing that I can recall.

2.      Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage? Yes.

3.      Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it? Yes, on several levels. Hellllo past life!

4.      Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy? Yes.

5.      Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world? No, but most of the sub-plots are.

6.      How about one that will destroy it? Well, things that can help destroy it abound...

7.      Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good? ARE YOU FRIGGAN KIDDING ME???

8.      Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information? Lets see...MIN. She calls herself out on this if I'm not mistaken.

9.      Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise? Do evil gods count?

10.  Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character? Nope, this is averted, at least in THIS life.

11.  Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician? There is a Queen that falls under this trope.

12.  Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel? The brown ajah is this to a tee.

13.  How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"? Perrin.

14.  How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"? MORRAIN I HATE HER FACE.

15.  Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around? There was a bit of this, but not a ton, unless you count hairstyles and nudity.

16.  Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued? Seems like all of them do, thank you Mr. Jordan.

17.  Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals? All of them, at one time or another when they're bitching about not wanting to be in love.

18.  Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters? Minn.

19.  Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters? Bridgette.

20.  Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"? Not by book 5.

21.  How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"? Not by book 5.

22.  Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different? Not by book 5.

23.  Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief? Not by book 5.

24.  Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy? Averted, there are actual warships

25.  Do you not know when the hay baler was invented? Nope.

26.  Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"? SOOO YES

27.  Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then? EVERY ONE

28.  Is this the first book in a planned trilogy? Originally...

29.  How about a quintet or a decalogue? BUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAA

30.  Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book? I want to cry.

31.  Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"? Stuff happens, but it doesn't seem to move the plot ahead.

32.  Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books? HAHAHA!

33.  Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far? Okay, now I'm smiling.

34.  Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group? I don't think so.

35.  Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm? Nope.

36.  Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names? Yes

37.  Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables? Yes

38.  Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"? YES

39.  Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings? Seems to be averted.

40.  How about "orken" or "dwerrows"? Yep.

41.  Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"? Not by book 5.

42.  At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines? Not by book 5.

43.  Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?  No idea

44.  Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG? No idea

45.  Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast? Nope

46.  Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls? Seems like it.

47.  Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't? Seems like it.

48.  Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place? BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAA--

49.  Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot? Seems like it.

50.  Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"? Yep

51.  Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel? Not by book 5.

52.  Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?  Not by book 5.

53.  Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel? Not by book 5.

54.  Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs? No idea.

55.  Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest? Yep.

56.  Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day? This seems to be averted up to book 5.

57.  Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it? Hilariously averted with Perrin's axe. Metaphorical with Mat's Dagger.

58.  Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar? Yep.

59.  Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor? Not sure.

60.  Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? Not sure

61.  Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains? BUAHAHAAHAH

62.  Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns? Humor? Well, there's one stupid joke about X character understanding women that gets repeated EVERY BOOK.

63.  Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger? Rand can't act against women, so yes.

64.  Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man? Yep.

65.  Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal? Seems to be averted.

66.  Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead? Does Perrin's wolf mentor count?

67.  Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"? Seems like it.

68.  Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion? YES

69.  Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild? Honestly can't remember.

70.  Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death? Not by book 5.

71.  Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute? Averted: the bard is the badass and the heroes are useless. Until he dies. But not really.

72.  Is "common" the official language of your world? Yep.

73.  Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before? Not littered, and they do try to take stuff...

74.  Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

75.  Read that question again and answer truthfully. See my previous answers.