The Twisted Ones (Spoiler free)

So, at long last, my hotly awaited review of The Twisted Ones.

*cricket noise*

I reviewed the first FNAF book, The Silver Eyes a while back. It was...fine. At worst, it was a mediocre Goosebumps novel, and at best, it was a better Goosebumps novel.

Not a lot of blood, but it had a few scares (very few), and characters that had more dimensionality than wet carboard. Most importantly, it fleshed out some of the lore of FNAF, which was all I really wanted.

Enter The Twisted ones, the middle of the trilogy (as Scott Cawthon has stated). Charlie, the survivor girl, is dealing with the fallout from book 1, while new murders crop up.

Some perpetrated by this thing!

This book is an improvement on The Silver eyes. There's more deaths, more gruesome imagery, and several new twists that are enjoyable to read.

The book does end on a cliffhanger, though, with nothing really tied up at the end. Cawthon has stated there is a third book in the works, but this book suffers a lot for not tying up anything. I get that a trilogy midpoint is there to set up the third installment, but you've got to tie up SOME things, or it just feels like a 'screw you' to the audience.

No word at this time on when the third book will be published, or even it's title. I'm sure I'll pick it up (this installment was only $5, and worth at least that), but I just wish there were any answers in this one, and not just a lot of set ups.

It is very FNAF to leave us with more questions, though...

And in liue of answers, here's another piece of Twisted Chica fanart. It's scarier than the book.

Minty Horriffic Arts

Minty, aka Mark Bishop, is a reviewer that's done quite a few horror-based reviews and fact compilations.  Here are some of my faves!

10 Amazing Facts About The Blob

10 Things You Didn't Know about Pennywise (unless you read my IT Spot blogs)

10 Amazing Facts About An American Werewolf in London

Most Ridiculous Jaws Moments

10 Scariest Movie Scenes

The IT Spot: Rereading, part 10

Delving into Ritchie's childhood segment is, like Ritchie himself, a bit different from the others.

He, like Mike, has a stable two parent household. Unlike Mike, Ritchie's folks aren't aware on any conscious level of the inherent evil of Derry, but they don't suffer as characters for it (what little time we see Ritchie spend with them).

SPOILERS

Ritchie and Bill go back to Bill's house to look at the possessed picture of Georgie together. They witness a snap of an old-tyme Derry street come to life, replete with old-tyme versions of themselves getting lured by Pennywise. Bill reaches into the picture and cuts himself badly before Ritchie saves him from having his fingers chopped off.

This is foreshadowing for later in the book when Bill nearly loses to IT during the ritual of the CHUD, and Ritchie comes in to save him. It's also telling that they share the first simultaneous experience with IT: until now everyone has seen IT when they were alone. They also come to the conclusion together that IT is not a clown, but a monster.

Ritchie then goes to the movies and the Barrens with Ben and Bev, showing more of his normalcy. The next notable thing is when Bill joins them with a kid that Ritchie instinctively knows is not 'part of them'. Ritchie can feel the Ka-Tet forming.

I'm not sure why Ritchie has such a strong connection to the Turtle. It may be familial: his mother watches the boy have tea before going to the house on Neibolt street to try and find/possibly kill Eddie's leper, and she thinks that she doesn't understand them, and is both afraid of and for them.

It may be due to Ritchie's unique strategy of dealing with IT. When he and Bill arrive at Neibolt street, they get into the house, and are attacked by IT in the guise of The Teenage Werewolf (the horror movie he'd seen with Bev and Ben). Bill shoots it, doing little damage, while Ritchie throws sneezing powered in IT's face. This hurts IT enough for them to escape.

Ritchie recognizes that his gambit somehow hurt IT worse than Bill's: the ritual of the CHUD has to do with riddles, which are tied into humor. Just like how later Ritchie saves Bill, here he does the same. Again, it's a duel encounter with IT, where Bill and Ritchie go through it together. These two share a powerful connection with each other inside the Ka-Tet, and to the Turtle: Bill due to his innate goodness and leadership, Ritchie because of his humor and devotion to Bill.

SAFE

Wow, that got heavy. But no worries: next we get more spousal/child abuse with Bev!

The IT Spot: Rereading part 9

Eddie's childhood self has arrived!

This is another section that is significantly different from it's mini-series counterpart. You may remember Pennywise accosting Eddie in the showers.

The scene, while wonderfully showing off Tim Curry has zero resemblance to the book. The only similarity is the 'won't do any good to run' bit. That is cribbed from IT's book counterpart. However there...

SPOILER

 ...IT chases Eddie in the form of leprous a hobo offering  blowjobs.

When Eddie can't find someone (IE Bill or Ritchie) to play with, he often ends up by the train yards. One day he sees a hobo with syphilis, and a rotting nose. Eddie, a budding germaphobe thanks to his overprotective mother, thinks the man is a leper. Said leper/hobo offers to blow Eddie, first for a quarter, then for a dime, then for free, eventually chasing the boy down the street.

That brings us to Eddie's encounter with the house on Neibolt street. You'll remember me freaking out about that house during my last few trailer reviews, as it plays a big part in what the kids do to defeat IT.

It's also why I think this is Eddie.

Some time after the hobo incident, Eddie is drawn under the house, very unwillingly. This speaks back to when Mike was unwillingly drawn to the place he saw the bird: IT exudes some sort of lure. Using fear, or fun masking the stench (much like with Georgie) IT draws children. And when Eddie crawls under the porch, spotting debris from former hobos, he also sees IT peering from the cellar.

Here IT is a half-rotted corpse hobo that causes plant life to die. He introduces himself to Eddie as Bob Gray (you may recall this is also how he introduced himself to Georgie in addition to the Pennywise moniker), and stated he'll blow Eddie as well. Eddie manages to get away, but is of course terrified.

We find this out as Eddie is hanging with Ben, Bill, Stan, and Ritchie. Bill relates the story of the bleeding pictures, which brings out Eddie and Ben's tales. Stan freaks out, insisting he's seen nothing (as usual, Stan has the hardest time believing, and spends more time in denial), and Ritchie seems genuinely baffled by the stories (seems being the key word).

SAFE

 The main difference between the book and the miniseries here is that in the book IT is legitimately trying to get Eddie. In the series IT seems more interesting in warning Eddie and his friends off: almost as though IT can sense the Ka-Tet forming, and is reluctant to touch any of the members, for fear of the power they already hold. There's more evidence of this later (which I'll go into), but it's really weird.

The concept of the Ka-Tet/group power is barely even referenced elsewhere in the miniseries. Why create this dynamic for IT (aside from not wanting to show a rotting leper offering a kid a blowjob)? IT isn't afraid of the kids. Not yet.

Join me next time Ritchie is brought in on the horror.

Watching the Bay

With the Baywatch movie coming out soon, you may be wondering "How can I possibly follow the complex plot-line established over the 11 seasons of the original show, plus the reunion movie and Baywatch Nights?"

Or you may just be wondering how much David Hasselhoff's ego has grown since he's sharing a role with The Rock.

Never fear, the internet is here! Specifically Allison Pregler's series, Baywatching. 

 The first taste is free.

This comedian...dare I say Hero?...is watching and reviewing every episode, providing hilarious commentary and behind the scenes context along the way. For example, did you know that Baywatch was basically kept on the air at one point by A&W Cream Soda and Waverunner TM product placement? Or that one of the characters was played by real lifegaurd/Firefighter Michael Newman, whose real rescues were re-created for the show? Or that The Guinness Book of World Records list the show as the MOST WATCHED SHOW OF ALL TIME?!

If you're like me (or the reviewer), you never gave a thought to Baywatch, aside from swimsuit jokes, and never watched the show. This will make you sad you missed the hilarity the first time around. Did you know there's an episode with an Orangutan? Or Gilligan?  Or aliens? Or SEVERAL with Ghosts?

Or Hasselhoff alligator wrestling?

Baywatching is on season 5 of Baywatch at the time of this writing, and has promised to go all the way through Baywatch Nights, so there's a lot of fun left to be had. I can't speak highly enough of Allison Pregler, and this series is hysterical. Check it out! 

-----

UPDATE! This blog has the notice of the creator herself!  

 

Seven Binging Sins

I'm watching another anime. It's about the seven deadly sins.

No, not that one. Not that one either. Wow, that's a fertile well.
(image from here)

It's Netflix's Seven Deadly Sins!

Yes, I know that's not seven. And those aren't all sins. It's complicated.

The Devil is a Part Timer had a similar sense of playfulness, but was even lighter in tone than this. It's nice to watch a fun series about holy wars, perverts, and people getting the crap kicked out of them that can get dark too.

It's not as non-consensual as it looks!

There are  28 episodes so far, and I'm only on episode 12, so I'm trying just as hard to avoid spoilers for you as for me. But the basic idea is that the girl getting groped is a princess trying to find an order of banished Knights known as the Seven Deadly Sins, who are in hiding for murder, treason, etc. The princess is trying to save her family/kingdom from the Holy Knights who are really screwing things up by being general assholes. Pretty standard for anime, or even a basic hero's quest.

There are less loincloths, however.

The draw comes from the characters and the visuals; the animation is bright and cheerful, and the characters are engaging and fun. I've already found a brown-haired firecracker I'd love to cosplay.

Literally a giant badass.

 The ending credits give you a pretty good feel for the 'bounce' the show has (though there are a few minor spoilers for things established in the first three episodes. Be wary!)

It has dark spots too, but even the one episode which was mostly angsty had a lot of  action, and felt organic. It's like Fullmetal Alchemist by way of Dragon Ball Z; great action sequences and lots of fun, but not afraid to get dark if needed.

On a scale from Goku driving cars to the end of Nina, I put this series tone at a firm Dragon Ball Z Abridged Frieza Saga when Killin dies.

Twenty year old spoilers!

I'm super excited to watch more later. This is what binge watching was invented for!

Silver Eyes, or, what's the fuss about?

I just finished reading the tie-in novel for the FNAF series, The Silver Eyes. As mentioned previously, I found the book underwhelming to okay. The additional lore was worth the read, and the main character actually had character. I'm looking forward to wasting my time with the follow up novel set for this summer, The Twisted Ones.

This one is based on the game that takes place in the nightmares of a dying child! Hooray!

The book was published for teens, so I didn't go in expecting greatness. The problem is the action is limited, with almost no scares, and very little bloodshed. Goosebumps is scarier than this.

Most FNAF fans aren't enraged over the lacking story; it's the deviations from the game that madden them. For example, the animatronic eyes are brighter and differently colored.

 

Blasphemy!

Scott Cawthon has stated the INFO in the books is canon, but it also takes place in a separate timeline from the games. That translates roughly to "Just repeat to yourself it's just a franchise, I should really just relax."

See the SOL for greater detail (now on Netflix!).

As much as I like preserving every detail, there have to be allowances for changes in medium. I can allow for an altered story or details, if the changes make sense, I.E. dropping Jud Crandall's wife from the Pet Semetary movie since her impact on the plot was negligible. Changes for change sake are where I need to draw the line.

We don't speak it's name, lest it hear and return.

The TLDR of this is that The Silver Eyes is no great horror novel, but it does flesh-out the lore of FNAF, and it's totally readable. Just don't expect to enjoy it more than watching Markiplier do a lets-play.

Or even this reaction compilation.

That moment when

One of my favorite video game reviewers is a crazy racist.

JonTron, a video game an movie reviewer so funny that I actually watch his video game reviews, tweeted and debated in a video some things about immigration, racism, and other hot-button political issues. Highlights apparently include him claiming "colonialism benefited the people that were colonized, wealthy black Americans commit more crimes than poor whites, the court system doesn’t display bias against people of color, that Irish and Italians were always considered “white” in America, and that Black Lives Matter doesn’t disavow violence."

Well, shit.

The JonTron reddit page has locked down in response to this, but not before some memes got in. Memes make everything better, right?

No, memes don't make everything better.

Damnit, I just got to work, saw there was an article about JonTron in google news, and now I've got a damned moral dilemma. I wasn't even sure I had any subject matter for a blog. I wish I didn't.

This isn't like when rape allegations are brought against a celebrity, and I can get rid of their books and unsubscribe from their channel without looking back. This is America, and Jon can hold any political beliefs that he chooses. They can be dumb, ignorant, or even alternative facts, and you'll still go far, as Mr. Trump has proven.

But a bunch of the things he said were just incorrect on their face. Black Lives Matter DOES advocate for non-violence. Irish and Italians weren't always considered white in America. There IS racial bias in our courts.

The question now is, can I separate JonTron the entertainer from Jon Jafari the person I deeply disagree with.

This isn't without precedent. Mel Gibson is a fine actor, even if he is a shitty human (although, I've not watched any of his directorial work or old movies since the incidents). I've often said you either need to be a good person or a good actor (my chosen hobby) for me to work with you. I can count on one hand the number of people I personally know who have failed on both counts.

Sometimes the charge is too great, and one thing cannot trump the other: I've rid my home of Bill Cosby and Orson Scott Card's material. Rape, Homophobia, and Antisemitism are my hottest hot-button issues. You fail those marks, I don't care how talented you are. We're done.

So, one of my favorite entertainers is at best, misguided and misinformed, and at worst an active racist and isolationist.

I guess if we can have one running the country, I can watch one make funny videos.

Semi-Reboots; Ghostbusters, Star Trek, and Beyond

SPOILERS. SO MANY FREAKIN' SPOILERS.

...Ugh...

Chances are you've seen my wild elation over the new Ghostbusters. If not, know that I love it; it falls higher in my esteem than the Extreme Ghostbusters, the IDW comics, and the second half of The Real Ghostbusters.

Phelous is the only other person who shares my level of hate.

But a lot of people are complaining about how this is too similar to the original. It does hit some of the same beats, but this is easily explained in two words: alternate universe.

Like the new Star Trek, this Ghostbuster's film seems to take place in an alternate universe. Unlike that film, the timeline-altering event is now shown in film, but with careful observation it's clear.

This universe is the result of Egon dying young.

We see an unnamed copper bust in-film of Harold Ramis' Egon. Assuming this is a memorial, everything else falls into place; Peter Venkman (in this universe named Martin Heiss) and Ray Stantz (no idea what his new name is) began their work on the paranormal with Egon, when working with their dangerous equipment killed him. Peter couldn't cope with the loss and delved into debunking everything that he percieved killed his friend.

Ray kept up with the work for a while, but the University eventually fired him. Without Peter to drive him into 'the private sector' he turned to being a cabby to pay the bills. But his academic work was studied and built on by Erin and Abby. Thus the "It's only a calls 5 full torso apparition."

Winston simply fell into another line of work. One where he still works with the dead, though.

So, what does my theory mean for the franchise? Much like in Star Trek (especially Star Trek Into Darkness) we may still see the same beats playing out differently due to the new universes new circumstances. And I'm fine with that. I'd love to see a brand new story, but I'm not adverse to seeing what these girls would do faced with Terror Dogs and Gozer.

Either way, I get more Ghostbusters. That's a win in my book.

Paranormal Home Inspectors

Paranormal Home Inspectors is one of those Netflix finds that is perfect to waste twenty minutes yelling at. It’s got a whopping single star, and no positive reviews to speak of. It’s a failure as a paranormal show, and as a reality show.

A laugh riot

But it is very funny.

It follows three professionals: one licensed home inspector, one spiritual healer, and one medium, as they investigate houses in Canada to determine if the residence is haunted, or just shitty.

The first episode is hysterical: the home inspector, Brian Daley, is able to quickly determine most of the resident’s complaints, including a door that opens by itself, growling noises, and a shattered fishbowl, are all perfectly mundane. The door isn’t hung well, there are raccoons in the attic, and the fishbowl was shitty. He performs his job well and gets the hell out without calling the homeowner nuts to her face.

Then the spiritual healer,  Nadine Mercey, comes in, pronouncing the place filled with evil spirits. Her assistant is struck with a headache so severe she either leaves the house or quits the show entirely. I’m not 100% sure which. A motion sensor alarm goes off while they walk the house in the dark, asking for contact. Woooo.

Meanwhile, the medium, Michelle McKay, is researching the history of the house. She finds nothing of real interest in my humble opinion, but the names of the people who built it are the same/similar to the names Nadine spat out. Big deal.

Finally the medium meets with the homeowner. She tells her ‘Yeah, there’s logical explanations for everything, BUT OMFG, LOOK, NAMES AND SOME BOYS VANISHED IN THE AREA! HOLY SHIT, I THINK THEY WERE MURDERED HERE!’

And the homeowner says ‘Okey-dokey, ghosts it is!’

I’m a believer. I’ve seen a couple apparitions, heard phantom voices and footsteps, and even been GRABBED by something so hard it left a bruise, and I think these people are full of crap. The homeowner doesn’t just want to believe, she needs only the barest confirmation that something spooky is going on.

There’s a difference between an open mind and an empty one. Remember that if these kooks are ever
investigating something strange in your neighborhood.

Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared (of the internet)

Some of you may not be familiar with the puppetry phenomenon taking the internet by storm. If not, check out these two videos. Warning, they are CREEPY and a bit gory. Probably not safe for work, depending on if your boss is around or not.

Go ahead, watch 'em. I'll wait, and they're less than 8 minutes put together.

 The two videos are very interesting, and personal favorites of mine. Childlike whimsy mixed with puppets and creepiness: sign me up!

Of course, with popularity, comes fandom. And with fandom, comes people  who will recreate your characters in their own image. Just have a look at some of the art the two DHMIS's has inspired.


(From this artist)

Yep, that's the notepad and the clock. One artist on Tumblr drew humanized versions of the characters, and now the fandom has exploded with art.

And cue the ridiculous hate storm.

On Tumblr (the source of most of the art) people are complaining about the drawings. 'Why is it a herto couple?' 'Why do they 'look white'?' 'Why is their only one set design?'

These are drawings created by a fan that other people recreated of INHUMAN (but not inanimate) objects.  And other fans are offended by this. Instead of creating their own designs, they're just bitching and complaining. Kind of a microcosm of actual societal problems.

By the way, the puppets are voiced by a woman and man, respectively, which is why they are drawn that way.

For my part, I'm just boggled by the depth and creativity of some of these things. And for the record, there needs to be more art of the Red Guy (nicknamed Harry by the fans for obvious reasons). He's become an unofficial mascot of being done with weird stuff.

 



(the artist)

(this artist)

(original post)






So, you can understand why I might identify with Red.

A Storm of Swords and other weather (Spoilers PAST the Red Wedding)

I finished 'A Storm of Swords' this morning. 

Fuck. Me.

The more I read this series, the more I love it. And despite all the complaints, my three favorite characters are still up and kicking. Arya, Bran, and Tyrion are all alive, if not safe and unscathed.

Cat coming back from the dead? HOLY CRAP. Tyrion going to the Free Cities? He better freaking meet Daenerys (whom I also love). Arya getting Needle back? WOOTNESS!

So yeah, I'm loving it. I LOVE an author who's unafraid to murder his darlings, no matter how pissed the fanbase gets.

Mind you, if Tyrion dies, I'll hold a wake. Seriously. I love that guy. But that's nothing different from everybody else. 

The Star Trek Into Darkness Midnight Express

Since I was as the midnight release last night, I understand that virtually NOBODY will have seen the movie yet. As such, I 'll post a mini-review of the midnight experience for now, and a more spoileriffic one later.

After grabbing a quick bite and some snacks from the local Kroger, Bahamute and our friend Millie headed to the MJR Theater. We were there by 10:50 for the 12:05 showing. So, we picked our seats (middle of the last row), and waited. And waited. And nattered. And waited. And it was fun, as it always it.

Hooray meatspace interaction!

To my disappointment, the theater didn't have many patrons. Maybe it was because a 3D showing was playing at 12:01. Maybe it was because the release had moved to Wednesday night for unknown reasons. But there were only about 20 people, making it a strangely intimate experience.

Another small annoyance was the trailers: there were only three, and only one was new. Granted the new one was a Hangover Expy starring Robert Di Niro, Kevin Kline, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Douglas. Totally awesome!

So, how was this in comparison with the Iron Man 3 midnight showing? QUIETER. But no less epic. In fact, I liked STID more than Iron Man 3. Ahh, that felt good.

Now I'm off to sleepwalk my way through my shift. Totally worth it. Wish me luck.

Why I HATE the Wheel of Time

The Exam 

Please note, I applied this to another author's work, and not my own, so the answers may seem a little...off.

1.      Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages? Nope, nothing that I can recall.

2.      Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage? Yes.

3.      Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it? Yes, on several levels. Hellllo past life!

4.      Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy? Yes.

5.      Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world? No, but most of the sub-plots are.

6.      How about one that will destroy it? Well, things that can help destroy it abound...

7.      Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good? ARE YOU FRIGGAN KIDDING ME???

8.      Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information? Lets see...MIN. She calls herself out on this if I'm not mistaken.

9.      Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise? Do evil gods count?

10.  Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character? Nope, this is averted, at least in THIS life.

11.  Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician? There is a Queen that falls under this trope.

12.  Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel? The brown ajah is this to a tee.

13.  How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"? Perrin.

14.  How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"? MORRAIN I HATE HER FACE.

15.  Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around? There was a bit of this, but not a ton, unless you count hairstyles and nudity.

16.  Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued? Seems like all of them do, thank you Mr. Jordan.

17.  Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals? All of them, at one time or another when they're bitching about not wanting to be in love.

18.  Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters? Minn.

19.  Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters? Bridgette.

20.  Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"? Not by book 5.

21.  How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"? Not by book 5.

22.  Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different? Not by book 5.

23.  Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief? Not by book 5.

24.  Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy? Averted, there are actual warships

25.  Do you not know when the hay baler was invented? Nope.

26.  Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"? SOOO YES

27.  Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then? EVERY ONE

28.  Is this the first book in a planned trilogy? Originally...

29.  How about a quintet or a decalogue? BUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAA

30.  Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book? I want to cry.

31.  Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"? Stuff happens, but it doesn't seem to move the plot ahead.

32.  Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books? HAHAHA!

33.  Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far? Okay, now I'm smiling.

34.  Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group? I don't think so.

35.  Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm? Nope.

36.  Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names? Yes

37.  Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables? Yes

38.  Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"? YES

39.  Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings? Seems to be averted.

40.  How about "orken" or "dwerrows"? Yep.

41.  Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"? Not by book 5.

42.  At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines? Not by book 5.

43.  Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?  No idea

44.  Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG? No idea

45.  Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast? Nope

46.  Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls? Seems like it.

47.  Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't? Seems like it.

48.  Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place? BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAA--

49.  Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot? Seems like it.

50.  Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"? Yep

51.  Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel? Not by book 5.

52.  Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?  Not by book 5.

53.  Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel? Not by book 5.

54.  Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs? No idea.

55.  Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest? Yep.

56.  Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day? This seems to be averted up to book 5.

57.  Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it? Hilariously averted with Perrin's axe. Metaphorical with Mat's Dagger.

58.  Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar? Yep.

59.  Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor? Not sure.

60.  Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? Not sure

61.  Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains? BUAHAHAAHAH

62.  Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns? Humor? Well, there's one stupid joke about X character understanding women that gets repeated EVERY BOOK.

63.  Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger? Rand can't act against women, so yes.

64.  Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man? Yep.

65.  Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal? Seems to be averted.

66.  Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead? Does Perrin's wolf mentor count?

67.  Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"? Seems like it.

68.  Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion? YES

69.  Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild? Honestly can't remember.

70.  Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death? Not by book 5.

71.  Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute? Averted: the bard is the badass and the heroes are useless. Until he dies. But not really.

72.  Is "common" the official language of your world? Yep.

73.  Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before? Not littered, and they do try to take stuff...

74.  Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

75.  Read that question again and answer truthfully. See my previous answers.