Five books to stay away from.

     You want bad mamma-jammas? These babies are atrocious.

5. Communion: A True Story by Whitley Striber

     You may remember the 1989 film adaptation, starring Christopher Walken. Striber probably wishes he didn't. He told Walken that he might be portraying him as a little too crazy. Reportedly Walken replied, "If the shoe fits."
     The book doesn't make much more sense. The SENSATIONAL TRUE STORY of Whitley Striber and his alien abductions. If you're curious, the movie at least has Walken, and is good for a laugh. The book is boring, weird, and near incomprehensible. Just skip it.

4. The Polar Express: Trip to the North by Ellen Weiss

     I refuse to explain why the novelization of a movie already based on a book made this list.

3. Congo by Michael Crichton.

     This, like Communion, was turned into a movie. Like Communion, both the movie and the source material were bad. I'm a fan of Michael Crichton, but the plot was pointless, the characters wooden, and it lacked the usual flair found in Jurassic Park, or even Sphere (also fine movie adaptations).
    Even if you're a fan, skip it.


2.Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austin and Seth Grahame-Smith

     Want to read someone's tedious self-insert fanfic, except the self is zombies? Then this is the book for you. Readable only to the most die-hard Austin/zombie aficionados, which is a bigger market than I anticipated: the book sold quite well.

"Meanwhile, Kustophenia sits on the shelf!"

1. MEG by Steve Alten

     This was the first book I ever read where realized I could/was doing better. I don't mean that in a prose way: I mean basic grammar and description skills. There are exclamation points all over the place. "Then the shark jumped out of the water! Then the T-rex got eaten!" Things like that.
    As for prose, I don't care for it. It gets beyond silly. There's a part when a man in a sinking sub see the Megalodon swimming at him, jaws open, and frantically breathes in the water to try and drown himself before the shark eats him. The level of stupid there is beyond comprehension. The fact that he thinks this is possible, let alone making that poor character try and kill himself by drowning in under ten seconds...urg.

     This may be a movie, someday. It can't be much worse...Right?

Geek Grub: Simple BBQ chicken

Perfect for chicken sandwiches, salads, or just picking at while you maul opponents.

You'll need:
6-12 boneless skinless chicken breasts (or chicken tenders, or whatever).
1 bottle of BBQ sauce.
A crock pot.
A frying pan.
Various spices.
A little olive oil.
Buns.

1. Wash the chicken.
2. Kill is first, if necessary. 
3. Cut up the chicken into small strips.
4. Put the chopped up chicken into the frying pan with a little oil and the spices of your choice (salt, pepper, and poultry seasoning are all good bets). Cook until the pink vanishes.
5. Put the chicken into the Crockpot.
6. COVER it with BBQ sauce. Seriously. You CANNOT use too much. 
7.  That's more like it!
8. Set crockpot to low.
9. Cook for 8 hours, stirring occasionally. You can cook it on high and cut the time significantly, but low tastes better.
10. Slap it on a bun, bowl, or salad and enjoy!

Works well with my Easy Cheesy Potatoes.

Five micro horror stories that creeped me out

Culled from the already short horror fiction known as Creepypasta, these shorties will leave you shivering.

5. Denial

I waved goodbye to my friends as I stepped off the bus and headed to my house. I was super excited to get home and see my parents. They hadn’t talked much at all yesterday. As a matter of fact they just stayed in their bedroom all day. They haven’t been feeling well. I ran up the stairs of the front porch and swung the front door open with a big, cheesy grin on my face; However, when I opened the door there was no one in the den. The television was off and the house seemed to be abnormally quiet. I took a step in and started calling out.

“Mom? Dad?” I called. I knew they were supposed to be here. Dad had the day off and mom didn’t have any plans with her girlfriend’s until next week, right? I placed my backpack on the ground next to the couch and walked into the kitchen to check the calendar. October fifth. I was right. Dad took this day off so him, mom, and I could go see a movie together. “They’ve got to be here somewhere”, I thought myself.  Then it hit me. School let out early today because of a busted water pipe. I looked at the watch on my wrist. “It’s only twelve o’ clock. They may still be sleeping.” I headed back through the den and slowly opened their bedroom door. Surely enough, there they lie. A sigh of relief escaped my mouth and my grin returned. I tiptoed over to my mom’s side of the bed and pulled the covers back.

I was greeted with the same sight as the day before. She lay there motionless, eyes glazed over, mouth agate. Her skin was a pale white and her hair was beginning to thin. The soup I gave her yesterday sat on the bedside table. It was stale now and she hadn’t even touched it. I’m beginning to think they don’t want to feel better. I placed the cover back over her head, grabbed the old soup and left the room slowly closing the door behind me. I decided not to wake either of them considering they must need their sleep. I’m sure they will be up for it tomorrow. Until then, I have a ton of Psychology homework to be done. We’re doing this paper on people who have some type of disorder causing them to live in denial of even some of the most obvious things. I couldn’t imagine living like that.

4. A trip to the cemetery

On an early dim morning an elderly woman rested her hand atop a gravestone.

“Henry Blackwood-1938-2004.”

She rested flowers on it and wept, something she didn’t usually do. She always made sure to bring something of Henry’s when she made her annual visit to his grave. Her memory wasn’t what it used to be and her brain needed help to get it jogged. She brought something he hated: his hearing aids. She remembered wistfully how he never used them, always insisting he had excellent hearing despite keeping the television’s volume up so high.

Now all she wanted was his return to her loving embrace. “Oh Henry,” she fell to her knees and looked to the sky, “How I wish you’d come back to me.”

Up in the sky and through her blurred teary vision she saw a red star. It was faint but she heard a malignant chuckle and the star flashed to match it. Then it disappeared with the raising sun.

She wiped away her tears. Strange. Was it a product of her imagination? She stood up and surveyed the area but saw nothing. It seemed like the moment was merely nothing but old, senile, womanly mood swings. As she smiled at her silly old self, a question came to her that felt like part of a dark realization. Could the battery in the hearing aid still work? She attached it to her best ear and turned it on. She could hear the rustling of crow feathers in a nearby tree. It probably still worked due to her husband’s lack of commitment to use it. Then, swallowing hard, she rested her ear on the ground above his grave. Her mouth dropped in horror as she heard scratching, shuffling, and a familiar voice bellowing a horrified scream.

3. 4:03

It was 4:03 in the morning and I woke up screaming. It was my dream. In my dream, I watched everyone I ever knew or loved be killed by the creature. It had a short fat body, and long slender arms, which ended with claws that looked more like swords than claws. Its eyes were slits that glowed red in the darkness, and its teeth were long like horns, and sharp like steak knives. It looked at me before it killed them, and laughed each time before it ripped apart my loved ones with its sharp claws. How had it found us? It tricked me into letting it into my home, by mimicking the voice of my father; it couldn’t come in without permission it told me after it ripped out my Mother’s heart. The dream ended with the creature laughing its evil cackle and slowly walking towards me, dragging its claws on the floor, I screamed, and sat up. I was in my room, in my bed, safe again. 4:03, I hear a knock at the door, I froze up instantly.

“Tommy, I heard you screaming, are you alright?” I heard my mother say. What a relief, Mom’s here.
“I’m fine Mom, just a bad dream” I replied, the relief washing over me
“Okay honey, I got you a glass of water, do you want it? Mom said back to me
“Sure, come in” I said. And as those words left my mouth, I remembered that it was September, and I had moved back into my college dorm 3 weeks ago.

2.  Evening Routine

You know how that always goes. They look up at the mirror and it’s right there behind them. Just stare down and turn the sink handle. Reach over for the towel. No, whatever you just felt isn’t there, bring your hand back, you don’t need to dry them anyway, you’re going to bed. Keep your head down, keep your hair over your face like a visor, look at your feet when you turn around. Now pull open the door, don’t look ahead down the hall, of course it’ll be standing right there watching you, just keep looking down, act like you’re half awake, maybe you can fool it. Turn left and go straight ahead, don’t look down the left or right halls as you reach your door, don’t even indulge your peripheral vision, just get there. Go to your computer and turn off the screen, you know exactly where the switch is, don’t look at what’s flashing on the screen, you know that whatever is on there isn’t what you left it on. Just kneel and hold the power button, should only take five seconds or so. Come on. Now turn and walk to your dresser just like before. No, don’t look its feet, look at yours, keep looking down and walking. Don’t walk too slow, don’t walk too fast. Pull off your shirt. Don’t take forever getting the thing off, do it quickly, same with your pants. Careful, don’t trip yourself. Open the drawer, and just put them both in, who cares if it’s just the one for shirts, don’t look at what else is in there, just close it. Some of the shirt got caught at the top, open it again, shove it in, close it. Ok, now turn again, look down. Don’t stand too close to the bottom of the bed, don’t let it grab your ankles, just get on the bed. Now, move the pillows and lie on your side with your back to the wall, keep your eyes closed, ignore the freezing wall. Grip the covers from the inside tightly, in case it tries to pull them off. Keep your eyes shut.

Don’t listen to it.

1.  The Bad Dream

“Daddy, I had a bad dream.” You blink your eyes and pull up on your elbows. Your clock glows red in the darkness—it’s 3:23.

“Do you want to climb into bed and tell me about it?”

“No, Daddy.”

The oddness of the situation wakes you up more fully. You can barely make out your daughter’s pale form in the darkness of your room.

“Why not sweetie?”

“Because in my dream, when I told you about the dream, the thing wearing Mommy’s skin sat up.” For a moment, you feel paralyzed; you can’t take your eyes off of your daughter. The covers behind you begin to shift.

Questions geeks care about

• Do they have classes in Vulcan, like they do for Klingon?
• How did Fred and George Weasley know Krum would get the snitch, but still lose the cup? Did they divine the secret magically, or was it just a strong hunch? If a hunch, why bet all their money?  
• Why did Gollum teach his Grandmother to suck eggs?

Especially when this little guy exists.

• Was Watson shot in the leg or the shoulder?
• How did Thor get back to earth?
• Why didn't Yoda find other Jedis and make a kick-ass resistance group?
• Was Jareth a pedophile?

• Do you care if Jareth was a pedophile?
• Because seriously, it was fantasy olden times. Like Game of Thrones. So it's okay.

• Really.
• Seriously.

• I've lost my train of thought.

Five reasons you should adopt a pet from a foster home.

     I own one cat, adopted several years ago from a foster home I found on Petfinder. I recommend the site, or others like it to find their new companions. So, animal lovers, why adopt from a home/shelter instead of buy your furry friends?


5. It's cheaper.

     No small concern in these times, money spent on pets can be extravagant. So, why pay top dollar for a pooch when you can adopt for a fraction of the cost? Sometimes, it can even be free!

Quick example: a Dalmatian puppy costs at least $300 up to $1500.  Here's Shae, who will only cost you shelter fees (usually less than $100). Who needs a breeder? That girl is gorgeous!

4. You know what you're getting.

     When I wanted a cat, we still had a dog in the house. After a little research, I determined an adult short-haired cat would suit my needs, wants, and lifestyle best. So, I plugged those terms into Petfinder, and voila:

Harley. Named for a psychopath, and the sweetest, bitchiest, lick-y-ist, most talkative, wonderful cat ever. You can put in a number of parameters, such as age, housetrained, declawed, kids, other pets, breed, etc. Why take a chance on your new dog hating your kids, or your new cat wetting the rug?


3. You'll be getting a healthy pet.

     There are extremely graphic descriptions of the inhumane conditions at puppy mills. Backyard breeders are (usually) just in it to make a quick buck. Purebred animals have a lot of health issues, due to their backgrounds. So why not get a perfectly healthy pet from a shelter? They're usually spayed or neutered, and get free or discounted checkups from vets. Not to mention keeping any pets/family you already have healthy!

2. Skip to your favorite part.

     Kittens and puppies are great: if you have the time to spend with them. With adoption you can get an older animal that's ready to go. No house training, no need to spay or neuter, nada. If you want a younger animal, by all means, adopt one. But for those of us on the go, an adult is the way to go.

Not what I pictured when I typed in 'adult animal.'

1. It'll save a life.

     3-4 million pets are put down each year because they can't find a home. Most of these are from shelters, not breeders or pet stores. I'm not gonna play 'In the arms of the angels' for you. I'm just telling you the truth.

Remember that.

Five College Humor Videos You Need to See

     College Humor, for those not in the know, is a satirical website aimed at 20-somethings (and anyone with a sense of humor). Below are five of my favorite videos, in no particular order. Enjoy!

5. Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends

     Perfect for anyone who believes people should be treated with basic human dignity and rights, this video explores the consequences of denying homosexual unions. Granted, it's a few years old now, but the message is timeless.

4. The Adventures of Kim Jong Un

     True Korea's honorable leader writes this magnificent cartoon himself. With the Robot Minister at his side, Kim Jong Un defends True Korea, the most prosperous and well-fed nation, from the decadent West. Enjoy! It's mandatory.

3. The Problem with Jeggings

     Chicken Soup for the adult's soul (or anyone who doesn't dress like they need help), this series of videos explores youth fashion trends, as seen by old fogies. Side note: the red-haired guy is my favorite College Humor actor. He's hysterical.

2. If Google was a Guy

     College humor and Google coming together in glorious parody. Ever asked an online question that was far too embarrassing to ask a doctor or librarian? Well, you can live-out the hypothetical awkwardness here. Part two is great as well.

1. How to Tie a Tie (a Beginner's Guide).

     Being a woman, I have no need of ties. But the man-child in your life will appreciate this step by step guide explaining how society is disappointed with him. Perfect for first timers and people who never get invited anywhere.

Five Things I love about Sailor Moon

     With the Sailor Moon manga being re-released and re-translated, and the new anime coming out soon, my interest in Sailor Moon has perked. I remember watching some episodes of the anime back in the 90's, but that was it for a long time. Now, I own/have read the entire library of manga. So, here's five of my favorite things about everyone's favorite pretty guardian.

Sailor Moon omgby lucidsky

5. The costumes.

     I am not a girly girl. I don't give a rats ass about fashion, as my friends will attest. But...SHE'S SO PRETTY!

Super Sailor Moon.by Sailor-Serenity

     All of the Senshi have such cool outfits and wants and tiaras and boots and frilly things and GOOD GOD, LOOK AT THIS!

Do you have wings? No? Then shut up.

4. Girl Power

     In the manga more than the anime, Sailor Moon and the other Senshi save themselves: Tuxedo Mask helps, but usually the girls do fine by themselves. And that was a big deal to pre-teen me, when girl characters were boring, damsels, or at best Dot Warner.

 "I think this uniform needs something; something that says "I'm here to destroy you", but with a sense of fun."

   
Not that Dot wasn't amazing as well.  But that's another story.

3. Toon Maker's Sailor Moon

     You may have seen the infamous almost-was american remake clip of Sailor Moon. If not, check this out.

     Including space-sailboards, a sailor scout in a wheelchair, and the leftover fashion from Blossom, this never saw the light of day. But thankfully, some wag posted it on the internet, and we get a glimpse into a terrible alternative universe.

2. The massive cast of characters

     My personal fav is Sailor Jupiter, a big-boobed but kicker in green, with boots and a pony tail.

Eternal Sailor Jupiterby GreatMik

She's also a great cook.

     Don't like her? There's literally a sailor Senshi for every star in the sky, as well as a bunch of moons. And it's nit just chicks! Like a man's man? Tuxedo Mask. Like a gay man's man? Zoisite.  Nobody fit? Hell, make your own! Everyone else on the internet has done it...

Her name is Sailor Sinann, and she's from Ireland. She has a team.

1. The fact that a normal screwup kid is given the time and scope to blossom into a leader and have a character arc.

     Sailor Moon undergoes very complex persoanl growth thru the series. So do many of the other characters, but none as much as Usagi. It's wonderful to read along as she becomes what is essentially the guardian of the whole galaxy. Bravo, Naoko Takeuchi. Bravo.

Not to mention one of the few romances I actually give a crap about.

Five things that shouldn't have been musicals

5. 'Tarzan' based on the Disney movie 'Tarzan'.

     With musical adaptations of Disney's 'The Lion King' and 'Beauty and the Beast' raking in dough, it's no wonder the mouse has tried others. 'Aladdin' is on Broadway right now, with 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' hot on it's heels. But who thought this was a good idea?

          Mixing traditional Broadway structure with Cirque du Soleil style high-flying effects was a recipe for disaster. The original movie wasn't even a box-office smash, and the play's regional US tour was canceled. A major issue was the lyrics were derided by critics as weak and bland. One example: "My heart is beating faster, I must know more about her. ... She makes me feel so alive." Well, Tarzan only just learned English. Give him some time, maybe it'll perk up.

4. 'Spiderman: Turn off the Dark' based on the comic book 'Spiderman.'

     This is a pretty famous example. Combine the crazy high-flying effects of Tarzan with a terrifying amount of accidents, and you get a train wreck people pay through the nose to see. It's one of those 'You have to see this, it's so bad' experiences.  I know several people who have returned just to see the accidents.

Basically this for the music lover.

     

     The reviews have been mixed, but most critics weren't impressed with Bono's score. Yes, that Bono. One reviewer said "...if I knew a less-than-precocious child of 10 or so, and had several hundred dollars to throw away, I would consider taking him or her to...Spider-Man." Yikes. Glad that hero won't be saving us anytime soon.

Yes, I like Nickleback. Do your worst, internet.

3. 'Carrie', based on Stephen King's novel 'Carrie.'

      Often regarded as one of the worst musicals of all time, this show was so bad it had a book written about it. I'm a big fan of Stephen King, but whatever possessed him to let them do this is beyond me.

Damnit Pennywise, wasn't killing and eating children evil enough?!

     It does have one good song. That is literally the only positive thing I've ever heard about this show. The writing is bad, the other music is bad, and the actors cannot save it. Even King fans have shunned it, yours truly included. Horror and musicals don't mix very well.

Except this time.

2. 'High Spirits', based on the straight show 'Blithe Spirit.'

     Blithe Spirit is one of my all-time favorite straight (or non-musical) plays. A man's dead wife comes back to him after a seance and wreaks havoc with his life, including his new wife. It's a stitch, and has become a classic comedy show.

     High Spirits takes that joy and rams it where the sun doesn't shine. 

     

     I did this show at the behest of a friend of mine when one actress had to drop out. I didn't sing, thank God. The show, unlike EVERY OTHER MUSICAL ADAPTATION EVER, does not turn dialogue into songs that moves the plot, or replaces scenes. It takes the straight show and crams in bad songs that don't move the show forward, and takes out none of the dialogue. It makes the show an HOUR LONGER and less funny. By A LOT. There's two songs devoted to objects (a bike and an ouija board respectively). Both sung by one character. Both utterly pointless.

I cannot express my dislike of this show strongly enough. But it doesn't hold a candle to my number one spot.

1. 'Lil' Abner', based on the comic strip 'Lil' Abner.'

     This is known as 'The Show that Must Not be Named' among my few friends that did it with me. Again, I was only in this production at the behest of the director. And I sang. Dear God, did I sing.

     Lil Abner was a comic strip back in 1909, and is still re-run occasionally today. But in the early 2000's, nobody knew what it was, or why anyone would do a musical based on it that premiered in 1956. But do it we did. And boy, did it suck.

     The 'plot' is that Abner is big and strong. And that's about it. There's some stuff about the town he lives in being a nuclear test site as it's useless, an arranged marriage, and some guys losing interest in sex due to fruit from a tree. There's also an assassin named "Appassionata Von Climax" and the main character is ordered to commit suicide. 

     I wish I was kidding. If you ever hear about this play, STAY AWAY. You have been warned. This isn't even so bad it's good. It's just bad.

Five Jokes You Need to See

5. Dr. Suess as a Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

4. Eating Right
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

3. Lucky Driver
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

2. Mountain  Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

1. Big Family
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''
The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''

Shorty: Is 'reverse hipster' a thing?

     I like things that are popular, but from a while ago. For example, I just finished watching all of Star Trek The Next Generation, and its movies. I'm in the middle of reading Fullmetal Alchemist, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Dragon Ball Z. Breaking Bad is on my watch list, along with Dexter. Basically, if enough people like it, I'll eventually give it a try.

     I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering if I can claim the term 'Reverse Hipster'. Not that I really want to be associated with Hipsters, but it fits.

     I just wonder if anyone else does this. Am I just late to the party, or do a lot of people put off watching things until they're established, or even over? I'm sick of having my heart broken by amazing, and sadly one season/movie/book products. T_T

     This may be the whitest white person thing I've ever posted. -_-;