What's the deal with Dead Silence?

Dead Silence is a movie by horror maestro James Wan. He's given us the following classics (or at least well known franchises):

And of course, the project I most recently saw, Dead Silence.

If you can't tell, Mr. Wan seems to have issues with dolls. Nowhere is this more obvious than in Dead Silence, where 101 evil ventriloquist dummies are featured.

There are spoilers ahead, so be warned!

Essentially the plot boils down to this: Mary Shaw was a ventriloquist in the olden days obsessed with making the perfect doll. Her attempts included her abducting and murdering a child who heckled her performance. So the townsfolk murdered her and ripped out her tongue. All these years later she's killing the members of the family that the heckler belonged to, including THE UNBORN. She rips out your tongue if you scream, and then you die. Simple. Ish.

What put most people off was the unnecessary and confusing twist at the end: the protagonist's  step-mother had turned his father into a ventriloquist dummy AND WAS HERSELF a perfect doll possessed by Mary Shaw.

A couple of dummies.

Oh, and the ghost murders everyone. The end.

The twist, while well hidden (the second viewing shows the stepmother's hand is ALWAYS behind her husband's back, etc), was just pointless. Originally Stepmommy was a real woman who the husband pushed downstairs to force her to miscarry, and then she became obsessed with/possessed by Mary Shaw. It made a LOT more sense, and I have no idea why it was changed. Maybe James Wan got cold feet. Maybe the studio did. Either way, we still have 90% of a good James Wan film, and I recommend it.

Geek tested. Slappy approved.

Five Personal Paranormal Experiences

I'm no stranger to weird happenings.  These are five of the weirdest. Make of them what you will.

5. Footsteps/Voices, Pixley Funeral Home

My former job was that of a funeral home office manager. One of the two locations I worked was the Pixley Funeral Home. Most days I was by myself for 6 hours. And on these days I would hear an almost-constant murmur of voices from downstairs, and phantom footsteps rushing up and down.

But with sneakers.

I checked downstairs many times, but 90% of the time there was nothing. Occasionally there was a delivery guy, so I know it wasn't just my imagination. I always got the sense that when I was tricked downstairs after hearing a shout something was enjoying a joke.

Whatever. As long as they didn't bother my upstairs, I didn't mind. Now I work at an animal hospital, so farewell voices and thumps of Pixley.

4. Face, Friend's Cabin

A friend of mine (who will recognize himself from this story, IF he reads this rag) has a cabin in the woods.

Try again.

My first time at the cabin I was with several friends, some of who had little kids. We piled out of the cars and vans long after dark, the small cabin the only thing dotting the slight hill. As people unpacked I edged closer, wanting to get some light.

Under a tiny flight of stairs was a face.

But with pupils.

My first thought wasn't 'ghost' it was 'Oh, one of the kids got under the stairs.'

But the kids were still in their car seats. And the face was glowing. And there was NO light.

"H-hello?" I stammered.

The face vanished, and I heard a small pop. I raced over, but there was nothing under the stairs for any light to reflect off, no kid running away, nothing.

The rest of the stay was incident-free.

3. Future dreams (lifelong)

All my life I've had dreams that show the future. Oh, it's never anything like lotto numbers or a Challenger explosion, but little things like places I've never been, or information I'd have no way of knowing. More a bit of trivia than a degree in something.

My earliest memory of this was as a child driving somewhere I'd never been before with my parents and insisting I'd been there. They denied it over and over until I said "Yes I have! See, there's the man with the balloons!"

No, not him.

We then drove by a random guy with balloons. My parents didn't ask me about it again. It wasn't until years later I realized what had actually happened. I still get snippets of conversations, and I've avoided biting my tongue or spraining my ankle more times than I can count. Small, but useful talent!

2. Ghost Animals

At least, I think that's what it was. Many's the time I felt a dog or cat crawl into my waterbed (when I had no such pets, due to them dying), making the bed ripple and rock. If it's not the ghost of Haylee that was getting into my bed, I DON'T want to know what it was...

1. The Bruise

Rather than re-type this story, please enjoy my *cough* cinematic rendition of my weirdest paranormal encounter.

Five dumb Horror Protagonist quotes

Even the best and brightest horror movie heroes and heroines have an off moment. These are some of the dumbest things ever said in horror films.

5. “You’re not even scary!” (Freddy vs. Jason)

Freddy vs. Jason is chock-full of idiot teenagers, and Kia (played by Kelly Rowland) is no exception. She attempts to distract Freddy Krueger from slaughtering her friends with the aforementioned taunt. Taunting a teenager-slaughtering maniac is never a good idea, but this takes the cake.

Frankly, after that faggot remark, I'm not sad to see her go.

4. “It’s just a bunch of Hocus Pocus.” (Hocus Pocus)
When Max title drops, you know shit is about to get serious. And that's saying something, considering how wacky this film looks.

For anyone living under a rock, Max says this line right before lighting the black flame candle and bringing the youth-eating witches back to life. Winnifred (the boss witch) echoes the line mockingly just before they catch the little brat in the finale. Lesson here: never mock the supernatural on Halloween while lighting a candle made from the fat if a hanged man.

3. “This is battery acid. And now you disappear.” (It)

Dear sweet Eddy. He really thought the belief of childhood could carry over to being an adult. Sadly, the same tricks don't work. Eddy was...dead wrong.

"Thar pun wasn't even good enough for me, boys and ghouls!"

2. “It’ll work this time.” (Pet Sematary)

During Pet Sematary, a man loses his daughter's cat to a car, brings it back with an evil Pet Sematary, and then tries it on his son. When that doesn't work and his son kills his wife, he decides one more go is the best option. Against the advice of even a ghost, he just repeats "It'll work this time."

Spoilers: it does not.

1. “It’s only a ___ (toy, dream, story, etc)!”

SO many movies do this. The dismissive quote just before Chucky springs to life, or the demon grabs your girl, or Freddy stabs you. Declaring something is ONLY fiction is the surest ticket to death in ANY horror movie. 

So the next time you say 'It's only a bad dream!' ...don't.

Twenty Terrifying Pieces of Art

Narrowing this down to ten was a problem: I have 50+ pages of horror favorites on Deviant art. So here are twenty of the best scary pieces of art I've seen. Please note, I've avoided fanart for original peices. For scary fan art, see this blog.

20. MAMA - Childhood Horrorby cactuarZrule

19.The Nightmare Carriage by Pyramiddhead

18. I'm real, not you...by Blunt-Katana

17. Lusus Naturae by Erebus88

16. Something is in the Basement by david-sladek

15. Uncreepy Creepy Doodle by aspired2inspire

14. MAMA Entry by jhagen22

13. Lisa the Shrieker by xXHitomiMangaXx

12. The nightmare Dross Rotzank by TheDreamgazer

11. Van Gogh's Starless Night by ensoul

10.aquatic horror of portsmouth by Vaghauk

9. I'm real, not you... by Blunt-Katana

8. Taking back what belongs to her by cinemamind

7. Skulltapus by ShawnCoss

6. Shower Clown by MonsterInk

5. Ghost Dog by lightbulby

4. MAMA Entry by jhagen22

3. ..: smile smILE SMILE :.. by porcuMoose

2. bloodeagle by zilla774

1. Attic Nightmares by CSLUNDY

What's the deal with Candyman?

Candyman is a classic horror movie that doesn’t get a lot of chatter. It involves so many classic elements of horror: love, lust, murder, revenge, and bees. Lots of bees.

There will be spoilers ahead, so watch out!

Candyman follows the story of grad student Helen Lyle investigating the Candyman legend: essentially Bloody Mary if she was a black man with a hook hand who was murdered for loving a white woman. This is treated far more seriously than most ‘let’s raise a ghost’ type premise.

She’s trying to get at the social roots that create such a myth by talking to people who have a 'friend of a friend' who's been attacked by Candyman. It’s a great premise for her paper in her Urban Folklore class (and yes, Urban Folkloreologists are a real thing).

Also, Ted Rami is in it for about five seconds.

Unfortunatly, Candyman is real, and he’s angry. What’s more, he’s convinced she’s the reincarnation of the white woman he fell in love with and died for. And he wants her back. Let’s see Sammy Davis Jr. make a delightful song out of that.

Man is murdered and seeks revenge via the supernatural: Haven’t seen that before! Except in Ghost, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hellraiser, Friday the 13th 2-10, all six Child’s Play movies, Puppetmaster, Killjoy , and 3 of Creepshow’s 5 segments just off the top of my head.  And this movie, like Hellraiser, was penned by Cliver Barker.

Inventor of this.

Helen's study leads her to Cabrini Green, a project building the Candyman supposedly killed a woman in. A woman actually died, so unlike most urban legends, it has a tie to a real tragedy. This discovery sets Helen on her inevitable crash course with Candyman. For bonus points, she says 'Candyman' into her mirror at home five times after drinks with her writing partner who will inevitably end up murdered.

After visiting the Cabrini Green and seeing the murder scene, Helen hears the 'academic' position on Candyman from a cartoonishy-snooty professor. Candyman was actually the son of a former slave turned millionaire who was raised in 'polite society'. He was a portirait painter who fell in love with/impregnated a wealthy white woman. The woman's father paid men to mutilate and kill him at *GASP* Cabrini Green! After taking off his hand with a rusty blade, they smeared him with honey from the local apiary (like ya have). He was stung to death, then burned, and his ashes scattered all over the Green.

Also, he has a sweet pimp coat.

She goes back, nearly gets killed by a guy calling himself Candyman, and the thug gets put in jail. Happy ending, except it's 45 minutes in adn we still haven't seen Tony Todd, the actor pictured above.

When he does show up, it's not a shadowed glance in a dark bathroom mirror: it's full daylight in the University parking garage. Very usual for this type of movie, and sorely appreciated. Barker knows what he's doing.

Instead of killing Helen, she is put to sleep. When she wakes, she has been draped in Candyman's coat, transported to Cabrini Green, covered in blood from a butchered dog...and probably a missing baby. She's arrested, covered in blood. Another unusual departure for this type of movie (unless it's a twist at the end where there was no killer, just a split personality all along!).

Candyman then stalks her, chanting 'By my victim.' It echos Freddy Krueger: he needs belief to exist. He tells her if she doesn't die, he'll kill the missing baby in her place. He wants her to become the next part of his story. "Come with me and be immortal." Then, as predicted, her writing partner arrives, is murdered by Candyman, and she is framed.

What follows is a full-blown descent into madness. Is Helen crazy? Is Candyman a figment of her imagination? Are her visions merely a coping mechanism?

Guess you'll need to watch to find out.

Paranormal Home Inspectors

Paranormal Home Inspectors is one of those Netflix finds that is perfect to waste twenty minutes yelling at. It’s got a whopping single star, and no positive reviews to speak of. It’s a failure as a paranormal show, and as a reality show.

A laugh riot

But it is very funny.

It follows three professionals: one licensed home inspector, one spiritual healer, and one medium, as they investigate houses in Canada to determine if the residence is haunted, or just shitty.

The first episode is hysterical: the home inspector, Brian Daley, is able to quickly determine most of the resident’s complaints, including a door that opens by itself, growling noises, and a shattered fishbowl, are all perfectly mundane. The door isn’t hung well, there are raccoons in the attic, and the fishbowl was shitty. He performs his job well and gets the hell out without calling the homeowner nuts to her face.

Then the spiritual healer,  Nadine Mercey, comes in, pronouncing the place filled with evil spirits. Her assistant is struck with a headache so severe she either leaves the house or quits the show entirely. I’m not 100% sure which. A motion sensor alarm goes off while they walk the house in the dark, asking for contact. Woooo.

Meanwhile, the medium, Michelle McKay, is researching the history of the house. She finds nothing of real interest in my humble opinion, but the names of the people who built it are the same/similar to the names Nadine spat out. Big deal.

Finally the medium meets with the homeowner. She tells her ‘Yeah, there’s logical explanations for everything, BUT OMFG, LOOK, NAMES AND SOME BOYS VANISHED IN THE AREA! HOLY SHIT, I THINK THEY WERE MURDERED HERE!’

And the homeowner says ‘Okey-dokey, ghosts it is!’

I’m a believer. I’ve seen a couple apparitions, heard phantom voices and footsteps, and even been GRABBED by something so hard it left a bruise, and I think these people are full of crap. The homeowner doesn’t just want to believe, she needs only the barest confirmation that something spooky is going on.

There’s a difference between an open mind and an empty one. Remember that if these kooks are ever
investigating something strange in your neighborhood.

Four Michigan Horror Stories

Michigan has a lot of creepy legends. From the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald and it’s haunting song to the real-life deaths on our doorstep, here are five of the wildest tales from our own back yard.

4. Belle Isle

Belle Isle is host to a number of legends. I never knew about them until long after I stopped visiting the Isle as a child. I’d feed the deer in the night after seeing Disney on Ice shows. It was amazing. I’m glad I didn’t hear the stories as a child: they would have freaked me out too much to enjoy my time there.
The most well-known story I’ve found is this: ghosts (either dead kids or dead teens, the legend varies) will push your car if you stop on a certain point where there was either a car or train accident. I’ve heard second hand stories of this working and not, but it’s very similar to other legends attributed to other places. I’m calling bunk. Feel free to stop your car all over the island without fear. Unless another car is coming at you. Then MOVE.

The other legend is ‘The Goddess of Belle Isle’. The daughter of Chief Sleeping Bear (sent away to be protected by snakes. Go fig) haunts the island because of…reasons.  There’s little info about this, but plenty of apparitions have been reported, from ladies in white to native American women. Beware next time you go to Belle Isle cracker, or maybe a snake will get you!

3. The Dogman

The Dogman is Michigan's answer to Bigfoot. Reported a hundred years before I was born in  Wexford County, Michigan, the creature came back to promience when a novelty song was recorded about it a hundred years later. There's been a few films and such since, but nothing compares to the classic song.

2. Shoe Tree/Oakland County Child Killer

This is a story I heard many times growing up. It was a cautionary tale from my mother. Back in the seventies, the Oakland County Child Killer would abduct and kill kids, then throw their shoes into a tree as a gristly monument. My sister was the right age at the time, and our mother never got over the fact that she ‘almost got abducted.’ From what I can tell (and what my sister has said) nothing happened. I assumed it was a story, nothing more. Until I saw this Wikipedia page. The killer and the killings were sadly real. Though the shoe tree seems to be legendary. I’ve seen similar details in scary stories from all over. The killer was never identified, but the killings attributed to him/her did stop. So there’s that.

1. Edmund Fitzgerald ghost ship

The sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald, for any out-of-state readers or any Michiganders below the age of thirty, was a  huge tragedy on Lake Superior. For a longer summary, please listen to the following ballad. I’ll wait.

The sinking of the ship is horror enough. However, there are several legends associated with it. Tales of a ghost ship seeking port are chief among them. It was sighted at least once, ten years after its tragic loss. Does this ship still seek port? Why did it sink?

Many unanswered questions, so many years later. This horror is a little too real. I'll go back to the ghoulies and goblins tomorrow.

Evil Dead: The Musical

Since I’m in Evil Dead: The Musical (premiering Friday October 24th at The Starlight Theater in Michigan) I thought I’d take some time and spoil everything about it, from the music to the plot to the intricate details and nuances.

Then I realized that was a TERRIBLE idea. I want you guys to come see the show, not listen to me critique it. In that spirit, here’s five things you’ll experience if you come to Evil Dead the Musical (running October 24th, 25th, 30th,31st and November 1st)

5. Blood

This show is RIDDLED with practical effects. If you sit in the first few rows, you WILL get wet. Wear a white tee-shirt and bring home a souvenir! Or get a poncho and protect yourself. Whatever floats your boat.
4. Chainsaws

No Evil Dead associated property is complete without the chainsaw. Even the less-than-stellar reboot/sequel got that part right. And our show is no exception. There is a chainsaw, among other weapons of Deadite destruction. Never fear, S-Mart shoppers!
3. Humor

This is FUNNY. Not only are classic lines from the movies featured, but we poke fun at the whole genera of horror, musicals, and everything in between. You’ll be laughing your head off. I know I will be. :D
2. A well-deserved R rating.

DO NOT BRING SMALL CHILDREN TO THIS SHOW. There is blood, gore, swearing, and implied sex. No nudity, but that’s about it. If your seventeen year old has already seen the movies, they’re probably fine. Just leave little Bobby and Suzie at home, or explain to them wha that tree just did to the nice lady.
1. Great music

This show has a lot of fun numbers celebrating everything from stupid protagonists, to love, to demonic evil about to slaughter the living. It’s got classic romantic ballads, pop, country, even a tango! What’s not to like?!

Be there. Or we’ll swallow your soul!

TEN Scary Fan Drawings

Spooky Friday!

10. Boogieman by Lunoki

This art was inspired by the TOS episode Phantasms. I won't spoil it, but this image marries perfectly with Halloween.

9. Muppet Hell by LordWormm

Meep indeed...

8. Sam's New Pet by kezeff

Remember how the drawing in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark were the only scary thing? Somebody took one of the most horrifying and made a sculpture out of it! Enjoy!

7. ET by THATGUYWHODRAWS

Finally, someone else sees the little monster how I do.

6. Pennywise...by RayDillon

Tim Curry's got nothin' on this guy.

5. Elmo's Nightmare Revisited by xXxMudzxXx

There are a lot of puns about 'A Nightmare on Elmo Street'. This drawing is the most horrifying of the bunch. Elmo's dead eyes are just chilling.

4. Mrs. Lovett - Puppetmaster by KittyMira

The art itself is fine, but the implications are what really makes this piece work. Mrs. Lovette, not an obsessed, lovesick psychopath, but a plain psychopath willingly jerking Sweeney Todd to her whims. Brr.

3. POST IT POLTERGEIST by QuinteroART

HOLY CRAP, NO.

2. The Further by davidcombs76

Go watch Insidious. And Insidious 2. Now.

1. Deception and Blood Lust by  Silver-HeartCrosser

I love Wreck-It Ralph. The original character art was already terrifying, but damned if this doesn't take it to the next level. BRAVO!