Friday, July 18, 2014

Five Funny MST3K moments

Happy Friday!

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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Five Insane Modern Creature Features

The classic creature feature movie has never really gone away. And with CGI becoming cheaper and easier to make, they're only getting more "popular". These are some of the weirdest ones I've seen.


This film is one of the worst produced I've ever seen. And I don't just mean it's badly written (it is) or badly acted (Hooo boy). The basic errors in filming make me wince.

For example, the victims motorboat to a deserted island that's clearly a resort due to well-marked paths, pruned foliage, and a GUY RIDING A BIKE in the background of one scene.
Our observant heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

There are plenty of other tings to bitch about, from the terrible CGI to the terrible practical effects, but I've touched on the worst stuff. If you want to see hot(ish) young(ish) people get slaughtered, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen.
Two out of five heads!


Unlike the other movies, I didn't include the trailer. The above scene includes everything you need to know about the movie. Giant shark, terrible acting, 'exposition' shoved in willy nilly ("I'm getting married in two days!" WHY?! WHY TELL HER THAT?!). The worst things? THIS IS THE FIRST MOVIE IN A SERIES.

THEY DIDN'T EVEN CHANGE THE POSTERS! WHY?! WHY? WHYYYYY?!
Craig T. Nelson, give me strength.



In case ice spiders killing people weren't bad enough, they had to be Olympic Hopefuls with Everything to Live For! Tragic!

I'm quite scared of spiders. It's a hard task to get me to watch a spider-themed movie and not freak out. But this trailer is NOT doing it for me. When a creature feature can't even scare someone who has a phobia of the creature in question, that's sad.

Frankly, I like the looks of this flick better:
Why aren't you real?!


Sharks are basically dinosaurs already. Slapping a T-Rex head onto a shark does not make them scarier. SHARKS LOOK LIKE THEY LOOKED THEN ALREADY!

I'm so pissed. Let's move on.



In case you couldn't tell what the hell was happening there (I couldn't), an alien fire snake comes to earth and starts burning stuff up. For some reason, that makes the government want to kill a guy!

Per usual government policies.

You know why I even found this movie? I thought 'Lava Shark' was a thing, and wanted it to top the list. Apparently it's not. I'm almost disappointed.  At least we can get some diversity points for not having another Shark flick. You go, movie studio!

Go.

Go away.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Five weird island-nation foods

I think living on an island must do something to a culture. England, Japan, and Australia all have some...peculiarities.  This is the tip of the iceburg lettuce.

5. Beans on toast (England)

I like baked beans. I like toast. But the combination baffles me. I'd rather have a slice of regular toast on the side of the beans. It wouldn't be a good sandwich because the beans would go everywhere. What am I missing?


4.  Fairy Bread (Australia)

White bread with butter, and covered in nonpareils (sprinkles).  It's served at kids parties. As someone who used to eat white bread and butter as a kid at my Grandma's house, this actually sounds like a nice snack for kids. Weird, but not bad.


3. Shiokara (Japan)

A fish dish that consists of "mashed-up salted insides of various sea creatures that is left to ferment" that is an "acquired taste". It's been compared to anchovies, with a different texture. Hungry yet? It's also served in bars like a shot, followed by a shot of whiskey. Mm-mm.



2. Laver Bread (Wales/England)

Boiled Laver sewweed minced into gelatin. It can be fried and served with bacon, rolled in oats to form a patty or  used as a side dish for lamb or mutton. It's purportedly very good for you.

Frankly, I think it looks like a melted gremlin.












1. Marmite (England)

Another entry from across the pond, Marmite is a salty semi-beef flavored toast spread. It is polarizing to say the least. Not having tried it, I can't judge, but it doesn't seem popular even in its home country.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Huh

Tomorrow is Saturday (No, you're not time traveling, I write in advance. We've been over this). I will be at my job, helping a family grieve over a wife and mother not quite one year older than me, with several young kids.

I'd dealt with a lot in my life. I lost my father five years ago last Monday, after an unexpected illness. The only thing I can say is that I got twenty two years with him. I wouldn't trade a moment of it, and I'd give a lot to get him back.

Still too young to die, but at least he'd lived quite a few decades.

This is the second time I've worked on a funeral for someone my age. The first was the first funeral I ever worked, a young man who took his life. We would have gone to high school and graduated together if I hadn't changed school systems. We may have gone to sixth grade together, but his name didn't ring any bells. I wasn't really phased: he'd been sick, and into a lot of drugs.

I don't want to be at work tomorrow.

Aside from the personal tragedy, the crying children, the relatives...No.

No aside. No complaining about how tired I am from this hellish week. No bitching about work.

I'm not always happy about what I do. But 90% of the time, it's an older person with a long life and kids, grandkids, etc. It feels better.

This feels rotten.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Five comics with bad movie adaptations

There are comic book movies at all levels of quality. That's understandable, translation from a static medium to a fluid one isn't easy. There are plenty of fine movies with crappy parts, and a few vice versas. It happens.

But these are unforgivably bad.

5. Dragonball Evolution

     Oh, this was a heartbreaker. The epic saga of the monkey prince of China was already filled with space aliens, androids, and magic slug people. How much more off base could the plot get?
On a scale of Super Mario Bros. to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

     They got things intentionally wrong. A major plot point is Goku going to high school. 90% of the first jokes about Goku in the manga are predicated on the fact that he hasn't been to school and doesn't know what basic things like coffee are. And that's just the tip of the iceburg
The shitty green iceburg.

     NO Goku is not Piccolo's (that green guy) slave. NO Yamcha is not comic relief. NO Goku doesn't have any sort of crush on his future wife!

     Okay, out of context, that last one doesn't sound so hot. But these points are ESSENTIAL to the plot, and they messed up even more. This is a shoddy slapdash excuse to hold onto the rights of something they had no real interest in making. For shame, Hollywood.

This video is 22 minutes long. They're usually about 8. Take from that what you will.


4. Catwoman
     Halle Berry in a cut-up Catsuit. This had to be a success, at least from the male demograph--wait, what's that? A huge financial flop since people can see free porn on the internet? Huh.
THIS image could not save the movie. 

     The writers went out of their way to make sure this movie wasn't related to the Batman franchise. It has as much to do with Catwoman as this movie does:

Unlike Cat-Women of the moon, there isn't a Rifftrax for the Halle Berry mess to soften the pain. Awful, awful movie.

3. X-Men: The Last Stand

This one is a hard one to add to the list. On one hand, I applaud Kelsey Grammer's casting as Beast, the arc of Magneto's character, and the death of Cyclops, because screw Cyclops.
I hate you.

The problem is all the other stuff. I'm a big fan of the X-Men comics, and I've read the entirety of the original Phoenix saga this was SUPPOSED to cover. Not only did they change the origin from awesome outer-space force to Jean having a split personality, they changed...well, everything else. Jean was literally a dead-eyed lackey. The Phoenix re-shapes the universe to her mighty will, sometimes good, usually evil. This...THIS...
I also hate you.

And as much as I hate Cyclops, his death was rushed, unnecessary, and unsatisfying. At least let him die fighting, guys. ONSCREEN.

Thankfully, a lot of these issues have been rendered moot. 
Awww yissss.

2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

For the uninitiated, this movie was from a time when we didn't have no fancy motion-capture CGI. Just incredibly simple CGI.
In my day owls were made of David Bowie and we liked it!

Sadly, the non-Muppet studio made Turtles costumes were the least of this movie's issues. Instead of fighting any one of the Turtles other villains besides Shredder, they're sent back in time to ancient Japan. Where Casey Jones' incredibly white identical ancestor just happens to be.
At least we still have the same April.

It goes downhill from there.

1. Fantastic Four

This one doesn't even have a good comic to smear. Frankly, I feel worst for Michael Chiklis. He does GREAT as The Thing. Far better than this poor movie deserved.

And its getting rebooted. Yaaay.


Friday, July 11, 2014

Five Great Ideas

Happy Friday!

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Thursday, July 10, 2014

Five pop-culture summaries made via cultural osmosis

These are shows I haven't seen, movies I haven't watched, and books I haven't read. Let's see how accurate I can be just by living in America and being part of the culture.

5. The Sound of Music

     Julie Andrews is a nun who the other nuns have some kind of problem with. She gets sent to be a teacher of some rich guy's kids in Germany and they sing and dance and run over the living hills. Until Nazi's show up. One of the kids goes bad and tries to turn his family in for trying to leave Germany, so they ditch him and climb over the hills to Switzerland. Yaaay!
Spinning the whole way.

4. True Blood

     Rogue is still sucking your life away, but this time its via blood and not mutant powers! Vampires are out, loud, and proud and drink a blood replacement drink. So they're essentially people with hypohemia and sunlight sensitivity. Naturally, the south is offended by this, and wants them all dead.
C'mon baby make it hurt so good

      And at some point Elliot Stabler shows up, but not for long. Booooo.

3. The Fault in Our Stars

     Classic boy meets girl with cancer. Girl dies. They're both white and heterosexual. Somehow this is extremely controversial.
Apparently, not okay

2. Once Upon a Time

     Disney decides to market its own Alternate Universe fanfic as a show. Classic characters are turned human and brought to modern day society with no memories. So half the show is interesting flashbacks, and half is boring humans trying to remember the interesting flashbacks.

Looks like Dark Shadows to me.

     Also, they've started using real people like Pocahontas and Mulan. Not okay.

1. Dr. Who

     Magic doctor who holds no degree travels through time and bodies  putting right what once went wrong. Evil robots, aliens, magic phone booth, people who either get killed off or abandoned called companions, and a supreme evil called 'The Master'. Also magic screwdrivers.
This happened, but apparently it is never spoken of.

     That about cover it?

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Attack on Titan, Episode 1: To You, in 2000 Years -The Fall of Shiganshina, Part 1

Minor spoilers!

     So Bahamute and I just watched the first episode of that anime I've been hearing so much about, Attack on Titan. The basic premise is 2000 years from now humanity lives behind 150ft walls to keep giant humanoid monsters (aka Titans) out. There are soldiers and scouts who go out to try and fight, but literally get decimated every time.

Oh, and the Titans look like this:

They are between 50 and 160 feet tall, by the by. 

     So far I've only seen the first episode, so I don't know much about the plot. Eren, the young boy hero, wants to join the scouts since he thinks living in the walls is living like cattle. His father the town Doctor understands human curiosity. His mother flips her lid. His friends Mikasa and Armin are for and against leaving, respectively.

      Then a Titan breaks down a wall and things deteriorate rapidly.

     It's a very interesting concept, and I'm eager to see more. Just not in one day. This is a thing I've gotta take slow: and for someone who routinely marathons Law and Order SVU, Stephen King, AND American Horror Story, that's saying something.


     I don't mind it being subtitled, but it is a very quick-moving plot. There's a lot I didn't mention above so MORE IMPORTANT SPOILERS: the city has been at peace for 100 years and people have grown complacent. Eren gets into fights with other people about it on a semi-regular basis. Right before the Titan attacks he helps Armin to not get his ass kicked.

     The hardest part to watch is Eren going back to the ruins of his home and finding his mother alive, but unable to run. He sees her get torn in half and eaten while being unwillingly rescued by a drunkard/soldier he'd had words with earlier. Wow.

END MORE IMPORTANT SPOILERS

By the by, there's a lot of fanart, but this set is what really drove home the horror for me, and got me to watch the first episode. Have fun!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Five of my ideas that never got off the ground

A list of my failed hopes and dreams for your enjoyment. Or just crap I thought up when I was bored.

5. Live-Action Dragon Ball Z Abridged
   
     Pretty straight forward. I wanted to film a live-action version of TeamFourStar's HILARIOUS treatment of Dragon Ball Z.

Seems simple enough.
   
     Furthermore I wanted to play Vegeta since he's tiny and it would be a running gag that the Saiyin Prince was actually a chick.

Me: And I am the prince of all sayins!
Grizz: (as Piccolo) ...What?
Me: I said I am Vegeta, Pr--
Grizz: The Prince.
Me: Yes.
Grizz: Not princess.
Me: No. I am here to destory--
Grizz: You are clearly a woman.
Me: I am not!
Grizz: Those are obviously breasts.
Me: (breaking character) We didn't have anyone else the right size! Just drop it!
Grizz: Ah.

Yeah. Probably for the best that didn't work out.

4. Landshark the Manshark

     Another simple one here: I wanted to make a short film about a scientist going mad, combining himself with a shark, and killing teens on the beach. I had a fairly solid plot outline by SyFy standards. There was a sassy woman shark scientist and a drunk ex-cop private detective and everything.

It was less stupid than this. And this EXISTS.

     Long story short, it just never came together. But it still could, if I gave a damn. Free movie idea over here, SyFy!

3. Learning to draw

      I bought a book. I bought a ton of books before that book. I practiced most of my school years. But I still draw like a five year old with palsy.

This is not a talent I posses or can develop. And I'm okay with that. Mostly.

2. Scripting 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' into a stage show.

This is actually being done now. But at age 16 I related the idea of turning the movie into a show and was promptly dismissed.

"Yeah...that would be impossible. It's a bad idea. Don't do it."

My heart shattered into a million pieces. I stopped what I was doing, convinced she was right, and I was stupid to have tried.

Don't let people tell you to not even try.

1. Being a Teacher

     This was my plan in most of high school and part of college. But with the job market the way it is, the stress of being a teacher, and Michigan's stringent requirements, I stopped after getting my B.A. I'm happy being an administrative assistant. I like helping people.

Also, none of this B.S.

     Ultimately, I'm happier this didn't happen. Not all missed ideas are soul crushing!


Monday, July 7, 2014

Sailor Moon Crystal

     I, like many of my internet brethren, just watched the first episode of Sailor Moon Crystal. And boy, was I...

Um

Well.

     Don't get me wrong, the animation was great. I loved the heavenly choir style of music, and the voices are a big improvement over the dubbed American version from the 90s. But I'm not crying with happiness like many of the other commentators seem to be.
*weeping* WHY CAN'T I HAVE LEGS THAT GOOD?! WAAAAH

     It was good. But anime like Fullmetal Alchemist has spoiled me. I expect a faithful, beautiful representation of the manga. And after buying and reading ALL of Sailor Moon over the last year, I'm pretty well versed in the mythos and madness.
Like this crucial scene

     So overall, happy but not out of my mind hysterical with joy. That's fine. Plain happiness is wonderful. Watching an anime shouldn't move me to tears except once in a while.
Go to hell, Shou Tucker. BURN.

     As a fan of the manga, I'd sure as hell recommend this version over the former one. No shoved-in morals, and Sailor Moon is stronger in this first episode than she was in most of the old series entire run.  The characterizations are better, the animation is cleaner looking, and the music is fab. Good introduction to the series if you're not familiar with it. 


So what are you waiting for? Take a peek!